Reprogramming…. it is hard. Once you have a program that has been established by your choice, experience, or a repetitive program. It is hard to reprogram. It is not impossible. This is not to say it cannot happen…. it just is hard.
I am desperately fighting to reprogram. Ten people reprogrammed me to think and feel a certain way…. in a pattern I would never have chosen. Ten. Ten people to establish a mindset. Could it take one to break that? Could one person be the one to look at those ten and stand up for truth. No that one is not a sexy man of God, nor is that one my most bosom friend on the planet, or the most inspirational person on the planet. I dare to believe that I can be that one. I can be the one to shift the reprogramming. To look those ten experiences in the face and to believe this is different. To believe that I can change the world, turn the tide…. I have been mad at myself. There are some deep wounds that I have been walking through---- well, I was running from them. Well, I tried to walk through them but that resulted in a super hecka incredible counseling session…. then I met with a lady my sister knows and she was a breath of fresh air to my wounds. Her personality was like mine and she experiences God in a real, free way. She navigated me through the how of how to start this deep wounded healing conversation with God--- and I walked through it…. now I know this fight to reprogram is the enemy being a jerk face…. but I'm not running anymore. I'm facing it. I'm choosing to stand in the tension---- when everything in me wants to run.
I admit that I am weak. I admit that I want to not feel what I feel. I admit that I need him…. but I also admit that I can be the world changer--- I can shift the tide--- and with His strength in me, I can reprogram. True. Story.
So….. I had this interview this week. This interview was for my internship that I start in January. I was quite excited about it. Internship signals the nearness of graduation, which excites me beyond words. However, the internship I was assigned to was drastically different than I originally wanted. I am choosing to fight to enjoy and embrace this challenge. So….. I walk into an office desperately needing a paint job and decorations with florescent lights sucking my soul… *smile*… I DO NOT LIKE florescent lighting---- I love atmospheric lighting!!! Anyways…I digress…. so, the office is completely opposite than anything I imagined…. and the lady begins to crush my dreams--- It was like being told you think you are going to change the world and someone looking you in the eyes and saying--- well, good luck with that. She obviously did not say that, but that is what I felt throughout the hour and a half-ish I was there.
But you know what, I still believe, that Jesus and me can change the world for Kingdom. I still believe that I can shift eternity with God's plans being lived out. I believe that I am an overcomer. I believe in a love that makes you giddy to your soul and risks. I believe in quality, deep friendships that refresh your soul. I believe in a God who loves me so deeply and intimately that He uses the whole world to make me smile and take my breathe away. I believe that the blind will see. I believe healing is not a concept, but a reality. I believe nations can be changed if I allow God to flow through me as a conduit. I believe that I will be an incredible wife and mother one day--- in His timing.. I believe and I shall not let anyone try to convince me deeper. I see reality. Life is hard. This is the beginning of the end--- I believe we are in the birth pangs of the end. I also am a dreamer who chooses to believe the best and to see the possibility of what a majestic, wonderful, awesome, powerful God can do within me.
I am radical. I am not afraid to go against the grain. Even when it is most difficult. *smile*
Sometime I should blog about alllll I learned from dressing up as Katniss Everdeen from Hunger Games!!! Oh goodness the amazingness…..
I've decided my thirties really are going to be amazing…. year thirty is incredible so far!!!!!
