a Nashvillian Christmas **

I have roots. For the first time in yearssssss, I have roots. I have an amazing job. A job where I am operating in my sweet spot doing work I love, with co-workers I adore, and serving patients whom I truly care about. I end up falling in love with each of them. I feel like I have twenty children. And yet, they each leave… that's the world of rehab social work. Each with a different story, but I walk with them throughout a short time and then they go to their next destination. I have dreamed about what it would feel like to have roots. I must say my current reality is the exact opposite of what I imagined. I have a solid job where I feel needed, I have a place and I enjoy it… and yet, I don't "feel rooted." Interestingly, I wonder if I will ever "feel rooted." Maybe I'm not meant to feel rooted. God spoke to me once this past year (2016) to "hold the definition of home loosely." Some people would be frustrated with that reality. Some need routine, consistency, method… but for me, I'm wired differently. I like the unknown, I find adventure in the everyday even if I could never have imagined that is how the day would look like. I like the messy, I like the unpredictable… there is something in the unknown that fuels my soul and lights my heart on fire.

Having no clue who my future husband is, I wonder if he has that adventurer, on mission, go anywhere do anything, dream the impossible and take a risk, drive within him. I knowwww he is an analytical analyzer… because oh how I need that in him, and God knows I need that… because I am naturally wired as an act and then think about it kind of girl…. but oh how I need a husband who thinks and then acts. Right now, God has surrounded and protected me with my best friends who are think and then act kind of people which is phenomenal and much needed. *smile* But lets say whomever he is, wherever on the planet he is, he has that on mission, dreamer within him and if I needed roots, it could be a rough adventure…. but lets say, I take the lack of "feeling rooted" I feel right now, and embrace it…that I allow that lack to fuel me. Like for real, intentionally acting on going after my secret dream to be a Spanish-English translator… or the thousands of dreams flowing within my veins… that I allow my lack of "feeling rooted" to be a strength instead of a weakness. I see that in so many avenues. Being the only not married with kids person at the table in our lead meetings at work, everyoneeeee wants to set me up and get me married. When within me is screaming, oh yes, I want to be married and have lots and lots of babies… but this I know..he is worth every ounce of waiting, and our story in God's timing is so worth the wait. My life is full and when he comes…oh its going to be spectacular… but until then I'm amazing. I'm beautiful (and yes, Antioch, I know I'm beautiful, you do not need to honk at me when I'm running to remind me, thank you very much), and I'm a treasure, and one day, in the Kairos timing, one man will pursue and fight for me. Single is not a weakness…unless it's being used as a comfort zone rut.

One of my favorite people to follow on social media is this girl who does photography, blogs, and creates real life Bible Studies… soul scripts --- once her husband and her were talking about life and where they felt God moving them onto and she in a burst of emotions said- "I just want a normal life!" Her fiancé then spoke powerful truth to her and this has been my anthem lately    >>>------>

"…No you don't. You don't want that. You know, It's okay to be poor. It's okay not to know His plan or see the whole path. Just the next step. We weren't made for ordinary."    

Her thoughts from that encouragement were stirred as she shared this::: "I don't want a normal life. I want an abundant life. And I'd bet that's what you want too. I'm slowly learning that an abundant life in Christ sometimes means growing pains, big moves, hard sacrifice, discomfort, nervous sweats, long drives, late nights, sometimes messy cries, and crazy adventures..Don't settle for normal. Take that big risk, give it all you got. Because we only get one shot and we might as well make it count."

i really like this. My soul leaps within me at the thoughts at what this could me for in how I invest my life. I don't want normal. Deep deep within me, I don't want roots… at least until God creates them for me. I want to embrace the everyday, He moves, I move. He stays, I stay. That's God and me and how we've always moved and live life and I refuse to allow fear to silence that desire to keep dancing with my God..following His nudges…. i trust Him. With my whole heart, being….

I had to recently wrestle with my trust of my God. Last fall (2015), I felt God asking me to do something… and if I am being vulnerably honest, it may have been the scariest thing I have ever done in my whole life. I'm so glad the setting was a hike in the crisp, warm, fall air… there is something the outdoors does to my heart and soul… and yet, it was the scariest… and I had no idea why God asked me to do it, but I decided a long time ago that I would always act on His words first…even if I had no idea the why. I did it…. but it hurt… really hurt… I feel like my heart is finally fully recovered and that 2016 has been a year of therapy… I feel healed, redeemed, but I have had to remind myself that He is good…that I don't need to know to trust…
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"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done" ---"Thy Will" by Hilary Scott
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Truth. He is enough. He is worth it. He is a good good God and I told Him He could have it all--- no questions asked… He is my Lord… and no sacrifice is too great.

So, I shall embrace the messy of not feeling rooted… with intentionality to where I need to invest right here…. in the present.

Merry Christmas ***

loyalty ** legs of races ** and a new job...

I'm loyal. Its my strength. Maybe it was engrained within my Amy ness from birth, or maybe it was sharpened throughout the year of losing Cleveland Browns football, or even a choice within me in response to seeing a lack of loyalty. Wherever and however, it came within me. My first restaurant job I worked in for 7 years on and off (leaving when I went off to an internship). I try deeply to stay connected to my friends I have had throughout the years. My first two crushes that I clearly remember, I liked each of them for 3 years. Its me. I'm loyal. Strengths each have their weaknesses. In the last few months, I have been learning from Holy Spirit about my weakness in my loyalty. I hang on too long. Loyalty needs boundaries… and I have been learning about what that looks like.

So, a few Saturdays ago, I met one of my friends, Erica from J. Alexanders ( my now old work ) at Centennial Park… we walked, played volleyball, and just had a lovely morning. She asked me about how I loved our co-workers and walked about my faith at work. I shared what I learned and how I did it… how I failed a lot, what I learned through, and how I loved them. It was interesting and pretty amazing processing it out loud. I saw at the same moment: moments of success and moments of failure. So interesting. Driving home, Holy Spirit began to show me that as I was sharing with Erica it was as if we were in a relay, and it was her leg of the race and sharing my thoughts and such was passing along the baton to her. God then began to show me my loyalty and how I hang on to people… and while that is good. Sometimes you have to just let go. June of 2014 two of my most dearest friends just disappeared from my life. A guy who I used to work with cultivated a pretty great friendship just disappeared. The other was a girl from Kairos I was growing a quality friendship with just stopped everything and disappeared too. It felt like an assault against my heart.. because I hold the people in my life so closely to my heart. It was not one of the seasons shifting…which I have felt and walked through in the natural course of life and friendships. These both felt really dramatic to my heart and soul. God reminded me of them and began to show me that a lot of relationships and friendships we have in our lives come and go… Some you fight for and are lifetime friends… yet there are many who come into your life for a season, and you run a leg of the race together and sometimes you run it really well and then the season ends. …. This moment with God was a sweet reminder to my heart that loyalty is at the core of who I am, but to bring balance to knowing there are people who are for but a leg of the race, and that's good. As I was sharing with Erica, it was as if I was passing the baton to her saying I've ran my part and though it was messy and I was oh so human, I did my best and gave my 100%. Beautiful. Freeing. Liberating. It was a sweet ending to my season at J. Alexanders and a challenge to fully engage in my next season with my whole heart at my new job.

My New Job. For 10 months and one day after graduation, I dreamed what it would feel like deep within my soul as I spoke those words and they were truth. New Job. Because I just knew I didn't want to leave the serving industry for any other job except a social work position. I was offered multiple positions throughout the time of waiting, and I just knew. Something deep within me, knew even without seeing any other possibilities. I knew it wasn't where I was supposed to be. One lovely and beautiful Tuesday, I was on a run and got a phone call. After contemplating whether or not to answer the phone, as I did it was Kristin from Adams Place calling to offer me a social work position on their staff. I wasn't holding my breath for the position. It felt like it had been so long since I had the interview. Kristin's tone was even and I was prepared for the kind phone call to let me know the position had been filled. She then spoke those lovely words… we would like to offer you the position. The excitement in me exploded and it took everything within me to stay professional.  I immediately accepted…there was something within me that just knew this was where I was supposed to be.

There are moments in life and I wonder. This is where I wanted to be all along, and I didn't chart it out, figure it out… it just came from following my Jesus' lead in this crazy dance of life. I have a job that financially is empowering to my debt free journey, a social work job with Mon-Fri 8-5 boundaries (something quite rare in social work), in the medical field (which I always wanted to work in), an organization that does things with excellence (the modeled our standards through a leadership seminar they did at the Ritz Carlton), I get to hear love stories almost daily (I'm a romantic… but one of the assessments I have to do asks about marital history), and I'm working on a team (thank you soccer and volleyball for solidifying the love of team within me). Amazing. Amazing. Exceedingly, abundantly, above all you can ask or think….**

a lesson learned the hard way...

Some lessons are refreshing - relaxing - inspirational… and then some are learned painfully… where the refining literally is burning up your insides. I just experienced one of those. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but oh my. Oh my.

Saturday evening was a busy night at J. Alexander's. I was serving in the neighboring section to my friend Lara. All of my tables were taken care of, so, I walked past her tables to see if I could help her in anyway in the busy. One table had a dirty empty plate, so, I went to grab that plate without disturbing her table. They then asked me to box up some of their food. So, I grabbed the very heavy plates and started a bee-line towards our boxing station. Lara motioned for me to talk to her, but I was on a mission heading towards the boxing station, as one of the plates was straining my arm muscle. As I arrived there and set the plates down, I turn and see Lara storming towards me. She proceeds to yell at me. I was so startled that not only did she take the time to come to yell at me when she could have been working on the rest of her busy tables but that she was yelling at me for helping her. I didn't say anything (personal win… working on not reacting, but to intentionally respond) but I was hurt by her words and that she was mad at me for helping her and her tables. I was confused too because I didn't ask to box up her tables food, they asked me. The rest of the evening, I just let her do her thing, and helping only if she asked me. Yesterday (Wednesday) was our first time working together since that moment. So, I pulled her aside, where it was just the two of us (encourage in public**correct/confront in private) and shared that I was confused about what had happened on Saturday and was wondering if she could bring clarity because I was not sure why she was so angry. She shared there was an issue with the table that the coaches and her were working through and then when I grabbed the plates, she wanted to tell me, but that I ignored and walked past her, making her feel disrespected. I shared my perspective and she got worked up again to where she was literally coming at me in her frustration even in reflecting on the situation. We went back and forth… I was praying for clarity… it was becoming clear that was not the reality. I said to her, "It seems like we are just not going to see the same way on this"… and walked away because we both had to get back to work.

The remainder of the night, she ignored me as much as possible, would ask for help from anyone, but me… there was a very obvious tension. Very, Very obvious… I hated it. Because I know that "we fight not against flesh and blood.." (ephesians 6.12) and yet… how do you fight that… how do you come into a situation like this where one person sees one side and another sees the other… Lara is not coming to my side… and I'm for sure not coming to her side. A situation that left un-confronted will weave in toxicity. Throughout the evening on and off I was processing, where do we go from here…. I always think about Anne of Green Gables in tension like this after Anne helps Diana get drunk and Diana's mom is livid: "…my beloved friend. Henceforth, we must be strangers living side by side but my heart will be ever faithful to thee." Over and over it went in my head. Not sure of what humility would look like, because I don't see it that way. Yes, I should have said something in that moment when she was trying to talk to me, but really, is that worthy of the hurtful words she erupted all over me. I began to think…is this it… is this one why of people getting divorced. Moments like that pile up until all the relationship is a bundle of toxicity and unsafe. I felt really really guarded around her, every time I saw her… maybe self protectively. It made me think… where do I go from here. I'm still J. Alexander's… at least for now… Holy Spirit and I talked so much about it… and then I landed on this. The lesson… People are different.. different perspectives… different ways that hurt for some than for others… These moments will happen. In friendships- romantic relationships- marriage- family… they will happen. Reality. But how we handle.. or don't is the dividing feature.

Lara was the South. I was the North. Not wanting a Civil War, where do you go? I realized the answer is to go through. To go through the moment. To not allow the moment to be a divisive wall. To not allow the moment to be a source of toxicity. To apologize for the feelings that the other person felt. I honestly do not feel I disrespected her. Doesn't matter.. that is how she felt as a result of my actions towards her. So, to ask for forgiveness for how the other person felt as a result of my words and actions… and to move through.

To fight for Lara. To fight for our friendship as co-workers. To fight for the joy of doing life at J. Alexander's with her. So, I told her, I choose her. I choose to fight for her as a friend. To fight to love her to the enormousness that my God loves me.

Maybe we don't fight for each other enough. Maybe we don't fight for the beauty of friendship… the power of our love for each other. It's important… because she could choose to not fight for our friendship and we won't go further, deeper… it stops.. because it takes both people wanting to fight for each other. And yet… people are worth fighting for. This. This lesson is going to soar throughout my life… its not easy, but its worth it.

"…love is choosing…"

The 4D unseen spiritual realm

If you have ever wondered about the reality of the spiritual realm, process this....

On a run today, I felt led to pray for heart level encounters with God over the islamic center near me... that as they cross the threshold, they would have radical encounters with God-- experiencing the joy of the Lord like a druggie induced state... Which led me to laughing about the men, women and children encountering God at a heart level their mind struggles to process...

Then as I come around the corner a little less than a block away, a SUV swerves towards me on a road he had plenty of room ( 2 lanes )to drive on.. And I have to leap into the grass... Yep. That just happened... Continually encouraging me that I really need to strengthen my fortress and being prepared with my armor!!! And yet, I shall run and not grow weary (isaiah 40:31) ... I shall continue walking fiercely, passionately, wholeheartedly filled with love and His peace ***

learnings as a seed…. in transition… waiting to break through….

I'm a seed. I'm a seed in the ground. I can't see them but I feel my roots growing and expanding. Yet everything in my life is below the surface. There is zero evidence to back this up, but I strongly believe the season is about to change and for real, I will be ready when the game changes. I heard a TED talk from a friend of a friend about how "when one dream is on hold, go live another dream." Amazing. Or for me, when twenty some dreams are on hold, go live another one. So, I'm dreaming still…. and acting out on some dreams. I'm still holding those dreams deep within my heart in the secret places…. a social work job, my future husband, a family, missional kingdom dreams… anyways, I'm learning a lot in this in between, transition season.

Learnings like::::: * you make time for what and who is most important to you * failure is inevitable, sometimes multiple times daily, but in those moments you dust the dirt off and get up again * sometimes the not knowing is fun * just because one dream isn't coming into light doesn't mean it won't ever come and sometimes letting go is the best thing * people are important and should be deeply cherished * the enemy is afraid of me and what I am doing and will continue doing to his kingdom and i love that * sometimes one season isn't as much about the current season as much as it is about developing things that you need for the next season * when you cling onto a dream/vision/gift/season of life it can suck the life out of it and/or open the door for the disgustingness of selfishness to seep in (insert vomit here for a few months post graduation) * falling into God is actually the sweet place * and my favorite learning::: there is great power in the ability to be content regardless of circumstances and fully present to each moment.

My heart is breaking. Dallas - Nice, France - Minnesota - Baghdad  to name a few. My heart is breaking. The fact that we truly live in a love story set in the midst of war is truth. To ignore it is not okay. What can be done…. what does it look like to live love and to be a Christ follower in the midst of these tragedies. What does it look like to see the horrid acts that are being done in our country. It even seems like things are amping up more and more. Business as usual doesn't cut it anymore. It doesn't. We can't change everything, but to do nothing is not an option. I downloaded this album that I've been randomly using for running music. Its by Corey Russell and he is prophesying and speaking to such a powerful moment. One song is entitled Joel's Trumpets. He referenced a scripture I have really never fully drank in::

" 'Even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.' Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love and He relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing- grain offerings and drink offerings for the Lord your God." - Joel 2.12-14 -

Seriously…. that last part about that our God is a God that is slow to anger and abounding in love and …"Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing." I love my God deeply, extravagantly… I want to continually grow in love for him, to know Him more, to encounter Him deeper in those secret places when its just me and him. I want more. I don't want to encounter Him at a level of scarcity, but of abundance… imagine the people of God, those He loves and who love Him interceding for our nation, our world that is so broken..brimming over with hatred, violence, that at the point where His judgment, that we rightfully deserve as the last days near, is about to be unleashed, that His Beloved Ones capture His heart and and who knows…that at the last moment, He doesn't yell ABORT! ABORT! And instead rain down His mercy, His grace, His love…. Who knows…. This world needs Him desperately…. and I don't know what His plan in fully and why what is happening is happening, but this I know… I'm in. I'm all in.

I watched with a great dedication, Beauty and The Beast: The TV show. There are three seasons on Netflix. It's amazing…. and its so interesting… the love story in the story between Catherine and Vincent, they continually talk about wanting to be normal…to live normal lives…. to be together…. and yet these story lines continually interrupt their desire for normalness in a bigger story… Watching one of these conversations, it got me thinking about like one of my favoriteeeeee marriage books: "You and Me Forever" by: Francis and Lisa Chan --- the concept that a marriage is stronger and even sweeter when it is outside of the small story of just the two people onto a bigger story line. Catherine Chandler finally grasps that concept with this line:::

"…we can overcome anything if we do it together…we're here for a reason. We're together for a reason, but its not just to love each other."

Oh how that stirs and awakens my heart to the bigger story I could share one day with my future husband. And yet, I'm not waiting to live my life on a bigger story line until our stories intersect. I'm doing in now. Small ways. Little ways of being love with skin on. Prayer (praying daily, intentionally for people, countries and such is something I have allowed to not be a priority in my life but I'm changing that). And as God opens bigger and bigger doors, I'll walk through…. but for now, the little doors are where he has me now and I choose to be faithful.

**you're fighting the wrong enemy** ||seeds||

Last weekend I went to see Captain America: Civil War with my Mindy Lorene best friend. The movie was phenomenal and it was incredible watching it with Mindy.. Mindy really really really likes Iron Man and I really really really like Captain America. There is a scene in the movie towards the end where Captain America and Iron Man are fighting.. I do not want to give anything away, but it was a very strong realization as they fight that they are fighting the wrong enemy. They are fighting each other instead of their real enemy. This scene frustrated me so deeply that I was almost screaming at the characters as I watched it played out.

I was reminded of that scene and that moment tonight at work. I had an emotionally exhausting and draining night. It started off to be a great day despite some quite strange, mean, rude, and hurtful tables, but the cycle continued all throughout the night. To the point that at one point in the day, I walked up to my table to greet them and they were immediately mean, harsh, and very disrespectful from the first second. Throughout the entire night, I had at least one table that was hurtful to me. I know in my mind, that it wasn't me. I didn't do anything to provoke these interactions that I know of…but I was the easiest target. As I was thinking back as my night was ending, it broke my heart that sometimes we forget. We forget that the person helping us is also a human with hopes, desires, pains, and dreams. We forget that our words have power and can encourage, uplift, inspire, or they can wound. We forget how deeply important it is to remember that each one we encounter is a human being and how much of an honor it is to connect, if only for a short period of time. It was also a reminder that each choice, each day is shaping who we will be tomorrow. I am planting seeds now that I will reap of as the years pass. Will I sow complaining, bitterness, anger, and unforgiveness. Or will I make the intentional choice each day, in each circumstance to sow seeds of unconditional love, peace, forgiveness, and letting the small and large hurts of life to not bring a toxicity within the soil of my heart.

adventures in this season

life is a collection adventures. i believe it. this season of life has been oh so interesting and the adventures abound….

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a snapshot of my adventures…

---- visited a church with a friend that ended up being a cult, but it was followed up with a revelation of why I was there.

---- served a friend who walked away from our friendship. God blinded me to who she was until she was leaving, but it triggered an interesting line of thoughts of the value of friendships and instigated a thankfulness for the quality people I do have in my life.

---- dreaming again. Through a series of events, I realized last year I stopped dreaming. God asked me to give him a few of my dreams… dreams I held dearly, which I did because He is irresistible to me and I want him more than any dream, but within the past couple of weeks, He revealed to me that I stopped dreaming… and He has awakened me… and I'm dreaming again… and acting on my dreams. *smile*

---- at work, one evening, I was surrounded by five or six of my co-workers challenging me about my views on the physical boundaries of relationships… and though I spoke minimally, they challenged me that sex is how you connect with someone. It was quite a challenging adventure to put words to this value. Following this an hour and a half later, a couple at another table encouraged me in the wait for my future husband… oh how sweetly Jesus loves me.

---- a lovely afternoon walk with a co-worker friend where I was given the opportunity to speak my faith out right in response to a question she asked me. It was an honor and also a challenge to seek the theology behind my faith. I know my God..I've tasted, I've seen, I've experienced… He is my everything, but I also want to increase my study to be able to support the truth of my God. a learning adventure indeed.

 

|| warrior vs. victim ||

Today, I ran. Oh how it was quite lovely! Refreshing, crisp weather, and an open schedule to run as long as I wanted to. Between mile 2 and 3, I was running on a sidewalk and fell. Not a cute, graceful fall… it was a plummet to the ground, roll kind of a fall. To add to this moment, I was near a stop light where a few cars had a front row seat to my fall. I was determined to run and not about to let a fall stop me from running despite my soreness and new cuts, so I walked for a bit and then continued on my run.  As I felt the scrapes on my knee rubbing on my leggings and the random burst of my hand sore rubbing on my jacket, I began to think about falls, falling, and what that is in life.

We all fall. We all wipe out. We make mistakes. We fail. We make horrid choices. It is a part of being human. So, as a result, we all have scars and wounds. Some are deeper than others… some are fresher than others… but we all as human experience this. I was thinking about then what is the difference between a warrior and victim. They both have been wounded. And yet… the perspective to their wounds and scars is drastically different.  A warrior has taken their wounds and scars…the falls and used it to empower them onwards and taken the power back and redefined what each means to them…. and has made the intentional choice to rise up.. to fight and to stand once again. A victim has allowed those falls, scars, and wounds to define them…. submitting to the power of the pain… and succumbed. All warriors have been victims and yet, and yet every victim is not a warrior… maybe a dormant warrior. It's all about perspective. Interesting, eh?

My friend Kayla and I were talking at the to go boxing station that we have about how we all experience pain, hurts, and wounds and how important it is to process through them. It's healthy to process through them…. whether that looks like a blog, painting, writing, talking it out… I think it even connects to the separation between a victim and a warrior… you cannot become a warrior without processing through your wounds and hurts.

I am determined to be a warrior. Thinking through last year, there are severalllll moments that could have taken me out… moments that could have let me stay in a victim mindset, but, much like my fall this morning, I decided to roll out of the fall, to get back up and keep going. Resilience. Having the strength to choose to fall, to fall hard and to get back up again…. and to allow the falls, the wounds to fuel us onwards. On a fun side note, I went on to run a little over 8 miles. *smile*

i am a warrior… hear me roar *smile*

a different kind of week ||

"When you're aware of your smallness through sickness, when you become aware of your dependence and your neediness, you actually come to life! There is something liberating about waking up each day knowing you're not nearly as strong as you think you are." ---Pastor Tullian---

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Sickness. It really does remind humans of our smallness. It's been four years since I've been sick…. and I cannot remember how long it has been since I have felt this out of it. Currently, I am on the other side of the mountain, coming out of it… but its Saturday evening and I have been sick since Tuesday late night. I went outside for the first time since Tuesday evening this evening. After having been inside for that long…I cannot even begin to express how wonderful it felt to be outside, to breathe fresh air, I went to the gas station for Gatorade and there were humans there!!! I felt small again doing everything. Driving Emma, walking into the gas station… it was like I was doing everything for the first time again. Such a strange feeling. After the gas station, I came home and went on a walk around my apartment complex. So funny, one would think I experienced more intense of a sickness than merely a high fever, but as I walked, it was as if the world was brand new to me. Leaves moving to wind gust, the crashing of water from the fountain, birds playing and tweeting their songs… all these one simple pieces of the world that I see, but it was as I had fresh eyes and ears tonight. Even driving Emma felt like the first time all over again. It was a sweet reminder to not just look at the world, but to engage and to see. I am excited to rejoin the healthy humans of the world, and yet, may I never forget the smallness of who I am and the greatness of my God and all He has created.

Completely random thought about commercials, showing up, and embracing your ness!

Random thought***The best commercials… *ahem* Apple, Folgers…. are those in which they celebrate their product, where they lure you into the wondering of how your life will continue without their product. I have realized, in my opinion, its not the ones comparing their product to other companies and how much better they are… those are not the amazing and memorable ones… minus the Mac vs. PC … that was epic. But other than that, its the one where they are confident, bold, filled with courage in their own right. I feel like this with relationships. I work in a restaurant, so, I hear conversations about how there is competition for a certain guy…. when I'm thinking- "Girl, you are awesome! Rock that and if he doesn't pursue, that's not your battle." I have never been the jealous type…. I did have it happen one time…. but the girl and I are now friends and we laugh about it--- it took a couple years for me to tell her… but oh the laughter… but in all honesty, what do I need to be jealous about. I believe that I am amazing, beautiful in my Amy-ness. One day a man will love all of my Amy-ness and I'll love all of his ness. Just my thoughts…. so, you whoever you might be that might be reading these random-ness words…. Rock your ness. Be brave with who you are… not comparatively, but confident in who you are! Truth.

BEST commercials….EVERRRRRR:::

vs.

**hilarious, oh yes, but not as awesome as the amazingness of Folgers and its coffee love presented in the first, eh? *smile*

what a year can do to the heart ||

Almost one year ago, there was quite the ice storm. It resulted in being snowed in for a few days because Nashville is not equipped to handle the snowy and icy goodness. One afternoon, the roommates were being introverted in their rooms, so, I grabbed my Bible and journal… and began with, well, God, we have all the time in the world to talk today. I began seeking Him and enjoy the time with Him until He spoke very clearly and asked me to give him my heart for missions and all of the dreams connected to that dream. It took two and half hours for me to resolve myself to obey even though I did not understand and could not wrap my heart and mind around why. A year later, I see why. I see the way it was a strong idol in my life. I see how it was stealing my affections from my God. I see how I was using it as a safe wall in romantic relationships. I see how it was incredibly unhealthy. As my one year approaches of this monumental moment, He has not reawakened that dream. He has not encouraged it onwards. He has not given me permission to dream again in that realm, but I can now honestly say, that is okay. I trust Him. I am so thankful for the patience of my God as I peeled off my fingers clinging to that dream. I really had attached pieces of my identity to that dream. It took me two to three months ish to even talk to God about that realm. I felt mad at Him, and yet now I see. Not only did it break down an idol within me that was ridiculously unhealthy, but it has also added the foundation of the history I have with my God and the way He works even if I don't always understand it.

Since then, He asked me to lay down other areas, and although I only see glimpses of the why and do not know see in the fog and dark places what He is doing. I trust Him. I trust His heart for me….. I'm asking boldly for what I want it to look like --- kingdom, missional, adventurous, bold…. letting go of the timeline, and leaning into Him…. and it feels pretty great.

The builders of this building do not know it, but this is my building. This is the building I referenced in a previous blog about how a building doesn't go up overnight…. this is along the first part of my running route that splits out after this point depending on what way I want to go. I saw the clearing of the land, the months upon months of preparing and creating the foundation. The walls did literally go up within a week, but the foundation was formed in hiddenness… in time when driving by, it did not seem like a whole lot of work was going on to the outside eye…. but this I know… that was not true. The foundation for this building took time. It took a lot of effort. It took hard work. However…. 

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"if you get the foundation right…"

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Something pretty powerful in me that happened in 2015 was falling in love. I fell in love with a man. I have never loved a man to the depth that I did with this one. It was one-sided and I have had to process that as I have walked forward. It is okay. He doesn't feel for me the way I feel for him, and that's okay. I have had to realize that does not speak to my worth or who I am. It is okay. One day he will feel for a girl deeply and realize that is why he never felt for me that I have for him. I also believe strongly, there is a man who will come into my life one day who will fight for me, cherish, want to walk through life hand in hand with me, and who will love me deeply. On a run yesterday, Holy Spirit was showing me how through loving this man one sidedly, I have gotten a taste of what God feels for us as the men and women He loves. He loves us deeply, passionately, and wants to share life and the adventures together, but some do not feel the same way. It doesn't change the way He feels for us. It doesn't change the love He exceedingly pours out on us. Just like this man not feeling for me did not change my feelings for him. I have since had to let go and go with the waves of missing him, and my love for Him, but they are dissipating. I am thankful God's love for us doesn't dissipate. I feel so much closer to the situation of those far from God and His love as a result of love this man one sidely… interesting how the adventures of life teach us in ways we could never have anticipated. Beautiful. 

home. ***

nashville, tennessee
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Right now, I consider this to my home. The place where when I travel, I always come back to. I am originally from Cincinnati, Ohio// Northern Kentucky, and yet, when I go home, it makes me smile, and the people make it feel homey….but it doesn't evoke what I feel when I come home to Nashville. This surprises me so. I moved to this beautiful city almost four years ago following the voice of my God who said to "Go. Trust Me." I accepted Ericka's invitation to move and live together, and like they say, the rest is history. When did it become home I am not quite sure. Was it when I gained community through KSA volleyball and had a group of people I cared deeply for. Or was it when I realized about a week before classes started that I really really really wanted to graduate from Middle Tennessee State University. Or was it when God united me with an incredible extraordinary friend to walk through the social work program with. Or was it when I fell in love… one sided, yes, but still oh the power of love on the human heart. Or was it when I've been applying for jobs and although I have applied from Seattle, California, Canada, Colorado, Maine… realizing it would be a magnificent adventure to stay here in my Nashville home. I don't know the moment it happened, but it did. So thankful for this Tennessee beautiful city…. curious where the next step may lead, but I'm following His voice. It's a blank canvas for Him to splash colors all over… *smile*

Ski adventures in the in between***

I went skiing. With Chad, Megan, and Brian! It was a great trip- refreshing-relaxing-revitalizing… there were indeed moments of awkward… sometimes you just have to go with it….oh goodness. There were some extraordinary moments throughout the journey. We went to West Virginia to Snowshoe Mountain. I have gone skiing ALOT! I enjoy it… but it has been about 4 years since I had gone… and I had never skied a mountain. Perfect North was my ski spot for years on end. You arrive at the parking lot/lodge and then you take the ski lift to the various slopes ranging in difficulty. So, imagine my surprise and we arrive, park, and we are at the top of a mountain. I could not remember to ski, and now I have to ski down a mountain. I knew my muscle memory would kick in because I did it a lot…. but here I am having to remember as I ski down a mountain. Oh the mental game I had to fight. So, the other three are like, let's go… as I'm trying to get my ski boots into my ski's.. Hilarious. I was half laughing because I was so uncertain if I was going to get through the day alive. So, I begin to ski with some amazing and incredible encouragement from Chad. He kept saying that they would help me and encourage me. So kind. So kind. So thankful for his friendship, and this trip made me so excited for Megan and him too!! I digress…. so, I start trying to ski hoping my muscle memory will kick in sooner than later as I speed down the mountain. Skiing/Snowboarding is such a mental sport. You allow an ounce of fear to come in and you're tumbling down the slope… or you get distracted and are not focused on where your ski's are, what the slope looks like, those around you… tumble onwards…. I remembered this, so, the night before I was mentally preparing. Preparing to not be held back by fear, to not allow the cliffs and drop off's around me to keep me from skiing fully. The theme mentally quickly became::  "It's just you and me Jesus"…. Such a sweet adventure to share with Him! *smile* … yes I tumbled, quite a few times. My friend Brian tumbled near me on the steep side of a slope and was a God sent because I do not know without him if I would have had the courage and strength to get back after losing me ski poles and detaching from my ski… luckily the ski stayed with me! I tumbled, yes… and some of my bones reminded me how restricted I am when trying to get back up…. but you know what, we tried a precision section with ramps and rails the second half of the day. Brian goes down, Megan encouraged me and then went down to show me how it wasn't as hard core as it looked… When I asked Chad if I could go a different way and meet them down there, he encouraged and challenged me to step up to the challenge and that he would make sure nothing would happen to me. He directed me on where to go if I didn't want to do the ramps, and he's right, I did it… and went around the jumps for the first bit of the hill, and then I thought why not…. why play it safe and went for one of the big jumps where I was in the air for a bit and not only did I fly, but I landed it! The girl who was uncertain about skiing the mountain at first, took the challenge and went aerial!!!! It was exhilarating and amazing… if I lived around slopes, I would probably be a ski chick! Heck yes. Amazing. It was awesome.

Salted Caramel!!! *yum*

Salted Caramel. *yum*…. oh the deliciousness. If I were a food, I would be a salted caramel. As much as I enjoy the taste of this delicious food, I hardly ever eat it. The reason I would be salted caramel is the contrasting of flavors- sweet and salty. That's me. I'm incredibly girly, a hopeless romantic, I love making my home my haven, giggling, painting my nails, wearing heels, and the fun little things that make it quite fun to be a girl**--the sweet side. But I also have a salty side where I love to help people move, I am a strong girl who does not give up, I'm steadfast, loyal to my core, relentlessly passionate about things, I love action movies, getting muddy, going camping, and I'm built tough. Tough as in diamond tough--- that has been through the fire, walked through horrid seasons, forgiven, processed, let go, and has come out stronger and a little more shiny. I am salted caramel… and I love it.

The perfect wave **

I just watched a movie titled "The Perfect Wave." I didn't intend on watching it… I had another movie on in the background as I have been searching for social work jobs. After that movie ended, this movie was the suggestion, so I thought, yes, I keep thinking about wanting to surf. So, I watched it. Wow. It was amazing in a million ways. The climax and the ending surprised me, and yet it awakened me… it awakened and reminded me. In this next season and chapter, I could choose what it could look like. I could. I could choose safe and comfortable, I could choose that. And yet, something else lies at stake. Kingdom. This life is for a greater purpose than what I can see. It is beyond. Far, far beyond. This life is a mere blip on the plane of eternity. Having graduated college, everything that was concrete in my life is now open. Everything and everyone in my life is on the table. Every dream, every longing, every want….. If I am on mission, then I need to be engaged on that mission. It is beyond what I can see, it is beyond what I may want for my life. He is my Lord. I choose His plan. Whether that happens in Nashville or somewhere else. I want to pour my life out for Him - for Kingdom. Even if the graveyard of my dreams continually expands. He is worth it all. Love of my life, King of my heart, King above all other kings. Oh the excitement building for what is to come. I'm not playing it safe, for sure. Surf's up! *smile*