Love sometimes means letting go...

I am learning that love sometimes means letting go. It's a needed, but hard lesson.

Car Accident….

The Monday before graduation, I was in a car accident. I had picked up my car from the Honda dealer after they gave Emma Grace (my car) her Christmas present from me, a new battery. I was driving in a lane that was soon to become an exit only lane (one lane) in Murfreesboro … I was about a half mile ish from the exit. In front of me was a red truck. To preface this story, I am a very aware driver, a defensive driver… the last time I had a car accident was 9 years ago when I was about to move out of my parents house into my own apartment. So, I am behind a red truck in the area of 3/4 to a 1/2 mile from the exit I need to get off of. In the 70 mile per hour speed limit, the truck was going 60. However, I was relaxed despite the financial surprise of a new battery for Emma, and I was heading to a store to meet my best friend Shannon to look for graduation dresses. So, I decide to stay behind the truck and enjoy the slowness. Then my mind started thinking. When I lived in Northern Kentucky, there was a fellow I met on one of the youth mission trips I took to New Orleans. He was one of the guy leaders and I was the girl leader supporting the youth pastor. Throughout the trip we started to get to know each other better, and there was something there. I didn't really analyze it, I just enjoyed getting to know him. He had these killer piercing blue eyes… after the trip, I prayed about whether God would have me serve in that youth group. Long story short, I was a complete yes on every level. So, for a season I served in that youth group alongside that fellow. We got to know each other well, laugh, we even worked in the same job outside of the youth group for sometime. He started to pursue me, and there was definitely something there. But somewhere along the way, something changed on his end… it took me a little longer, but I eventually went on the process to let me feelings go for him. But all this to say, he drove a red truck. So, red trucks used to CONSTANTLY remind me of him. However, driving behind this red truck, it made me think of him, but it had been YEARSSS since I've really thought about him. The thought process in that 3/4 to 1/2 mile went something like this- "oh goodness this red truck is slow. red trucks. interesting.. i have not thought about ____ in quite a while. that is so interesting. looking back, i am so glad that God shut that door with us. he now has a wife and a little boy. so good. i could not imagine being married to him. sometimes God shuts doors and you do not know the why, but eventually you can look back and see glimpses of the why. and there is a man who will be glad that door was shut too. God, i trust your doors- closed and open. i may not see the why, but i choose to trust you and your heart for me and our story." So, I'm having this thought process. Amazinggggg moment. Thank you slow red truck. And then, we get off the exit and its a one lane where the exit lane merges into the ongoing traffic. So, still behind this red truck in Murfreesboro rush hour, I see the red truck merge and know that it is my turn, I turn and look and see a HUGEEE opening, which never happens in Murfreesboro rush hour. I then start to accelerate a little to merge and hit a vehicle. My head crashes forward towards my steering wheel like a typical car accident… hoping that I do not have whiplash and extremely confused as to how I hit the red truck, I look up to see a white car in front of me that I had hit. I have no idea how it happened. I would like to ask God to see the playback from that sometime on the other side of eternity, because I still have no idea. we pull our cars out of the way onto a shoulder and look at our cars, see nothing, exchange information and go our separate ways. She is quite double minded and called me fifteen-ish minutes later saying she was heading to get a police report. I call her back and we talk and she could not make up her mind what she wanted to do. I reassured her that Emma and me were fine and it was her decision. She now will not return my phone calls or my insurance agent's phone calls and it remains in progress. The claim has not been filed because she won't make up her mind…. Dr. Hall adjusted me, so, I am feeling great. I just think its interesting the timing of everything. This happened the Monday before the Saturday of graduation. It was a great reminder of trusting the doors of God and His lead. Oh how I forget. Oh how I like a door and am not looking at things, circumstances, and story lines from the view of God and the larger Kingdom story. Trusting His ways, His timing, His workings is not for the faint of heart. It can be hard, intense, challenging, and all the while, I need to remember that His heart is for me. That I chose His story. I chose Him as my Lord. That means my life is going to look different. I chose to submit the pen of the story. I chose to not do things my way. To surrender. To submit. Life will look different because I am not living my story, I am choosing to fight against the tension of my flesh, and to see that He sees the big picture when I may only be staring at one single puzzle piece I want to be in the middle of my story. I let go. I choose to trust his doors. I choose to gaze on His face and allow His nudges to guide me. May I not jump ahead when You tell me to wait, or to hold back when you call me into action. May I stay in step with you and in your arms. Even when I stare at a graveyard of dreams I have laid to rest, I choose to trust you.

wind changing……. new seasons ahead

All I want to do is sleep… and yet I cannot. So, here I sit. I currently possess, as of this weekend, a Bachelors of Social Work from Middle Tennessee State University. This degree was something I fought for, sacrificed for, and worked hard for. And now, it is mine. As I stand in the aftermath, I feel weak. It was a time for extremely high emotions and touching on a variety of emotions. It definitely also was a week with my love tank being filled. Texts, hugs, celebrations, messages, cards, presents… lots of celebration. My head feels like it is spinning in all of graduation weekend.

Since August, I have had this structure. Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 8:00AM to 5:00PM I went to my internship at The Legal Aid Society. Monday night was an evening for laundry, homework, studying, grocery shopping, and a little relaxing. Tuesday's and Thursday's I had class. Tuesday night, Kairos. Wednesday night, volleyball. Thursday night, GIRLS Ranch. Friday night was my open evening to prepare for the weekend of working. Then, Saturday's and Sunday's at J. Alexander's. I had structure, places where I was needed. Places where I might have had to learn the how, but I felt at home. Apparently I thrive within structure. Maybe it was because I felt needed. Maybe it's because of my favorite John McLeary quote- "When you know the why, you can endure any how."

And now, nothing. So strange how in a moment everything changes, and now I am left to figure out what the next season will look like after this wind has changed.

…. Or I need to say, to see what this season will look like as God leads. A season in which I currently have little direction.

Brian is right. I probably need to just let go and relax for a bit. I want to just launch into a new job. That is not healthy, probably, or is it reality. I think I want that to distract me from everything else I feel. Instead of facing it, which is what I ultimately need to do.

In conversation, my best friend, Cazi LaRee decided that I have a feeling superpower. I thought everyone did the same I did. Apparently not. She assures me there is strength in this superpower. I currently only feel and see the weaknesses. 

My college graduation party was an overload of feelings. Each person brings a feeling for me. In one room, I could look around at the group of people who have made me smile, have brought me to the place where I am, and feel an emotion from each of them. Hope. Laughter. And yet there were so many times I felt out of place, and in a crowd of people my heart feels so deeply for, to feel isolated. What… how can that be… This. I do not know. Other than what John Eldredge and Craig McConnell call in the Ransomed Heart podcast the fragility of life. I chose to keep re-engaging. I laughed, chose to stand in the tension, giggled, told stories, relaxed, learned more about the people in my life, and chose to engage despite my feelings.  And I choose to be wholehearted.     

Friday……..

Tonight, I underestimated the attacks of Satan and this very real war we are in the middle of…. whether we acknowledge it or not. There is a God who loves us deeply, intimately, passionately… a God who is pursuing after His Bride… and there is an enemy- Satan who will stop at nothing to divert the attention of His Bride… to cause us to chase after other lovers… to distract… to attack us… tonight, the demonic attacked me. Within the course of ONE hour. Satan openly attacked with his demonic forces. I felt the attack. And within that very hour, my God pursued me. He sought after me. He chased me. I may have underestimated the attacks of Satan.. but tonight, he underestimated me. The warrior in me arose. Her strength is not to the level I desire… but my spirit rose up and I took action. And you want to know what else, I looked amazing doing it. It's kind of a really fun and beautiful combination of feeling the warrior rise up, even in small ways, and feeling beautiful at the same time. Oh… Oh my future husband missed out. I was alone…. besides my Jesus, and the sweet apartment worker man, I was alone. And yet…. and yet I wasn't…. my beautiful Mindy Lorene best friend was texting with me, my bestest guy friend, Chad, was centralized in his thinking giving me advice over the phone and then following up to make sure I was alright…. I got a package from my Meagan Louise best friend and my Kentucky momma, Chris…. and ALL of this literally in an hour. Whew….. John and Stasi Eldredge were not kidding…. and that play from my church when I was a little girl- "The Bride"…. I'm not reading this or watching this… I'm living it. This is real life. I'm not learning anymore… I'm walking it out… failing-succeeding-failing-failing-failing-conquering. This. Is. Real. Life. This life is oh so short and I want to know that I went after Kingdom. With my whole heart, my whole life. I want to pass out at the finish line of eternity, knowing that I gave it all I had. When I'm exhausted, instead of checking out, I want to dig deep, breathe deeply, set my face on HIS, gaze into His eyes and keep going. In a little over than three weeks, I graduate. I. Graduate. Oh how the reality of that has not set in yet. And yet, it has… and in so many ways, it hasn't. I had been working at this, enduring, persevering, making the difficult choices, saying no to so many somethings to go after this goal. And it is drawing nearer and nearer…..

I'm excited and yet so curious what the next chapter will look like. I don't know. I have peace. But, I don't know. I don't. And if I am completely honest, I want to punch every person who asks me what the next step and who, after I say that I don't know proceeds to give me ideas or input into what they think I should or could do. Yes, Yes I know they care…. blah-blah-blah…. I just want to punch them. Truly. And I'm not a violent person. It's not me. It's not my personality, and every time this happens, I want to punch them. To this point, I have not really punched anyone. We'll see what happens in the next three-ish weeks. This week was oh so emotional- EVERY.DAY. I wrote a list and there were HIGH emotional moments in EVERY. DAY. That's emotional enough and add to it the emotional culmination of my forth coming college graduation. Oh. My. I just want to curl up in my Jesus' arms and have Him take care of it all. I'm spent emotionally. and yet…… ** "….my strength in life is that I am yours…."

On a really fun, and yet again, high emotional moment, I saw that my grade for my LAST college paper was graded, and this professor grades hard…she's amazing, but she's an intense grader….. I look at my grade- 100%. I got a 100% on my LAST COLLEGE PAPER!!!! *giggle*…. That's one way to exit my MTSU undergraduate career! *smile*…. I celebrated after this emotional evening with cooking a grilled cheese and sauerkraut sandwich *smile*… I'm simple. It was delicious. If I would have chosen, it would have been with people…. but you know, that's okay. It's okay. All or most of all of my people are coming to either my graduation and/or my graduation party… and that's pretty amazing!!! *smile*…. #honored #loved

AND I get to graduate with this dear sweet Shannon Renee best friend of mine…..

(and yes, I have more than one best friend…I only have a few, but they each bring a different side of me and challenge me…. this one, I am oh so thankful for!!!)

BRAVEtheDARK15mileteamRELAY

Saturday night I ran the Brave the Dark 15 mile team relay to benefit G*I*R*L*S* Ranch. I ran with Mindy, Ashlly, Marshall, and Ericka. Within the race, there were 2: 3 mile loops, 2: 2 mile loops, and 1- 5 mile loop. We named ourselves "Beauties and the Beast." So, we ran. In the frigidness, and pitch black, we ran. Mindy began, followed by Ashlly, then my loop, Marshall's loop, and Ericka finished our race! I have never done a competitive running relay. The concept was so interesting to me, and the execution was even moreso. I have done a lot of races, but this was my first with the team element added. Within my loop, it was frigid, dark, and so to distract myself, I started conversation with Jesus. We started talking about the team elements of this race and how it is like life. There are people that God links us up with to do life and how we need each other in this journey. I started thinking about my future husband and whomever he is and wherever he is and Jesus started challenging me about my future spouse being someone with whom I will link up with. Reminding me that I want a man who will challenge me and call me to deeper places in God, I long for him to not only keep pace with me on the spiritual level, but calling me deeper, challenging each other onwards.... that together we would go diving in the depths with God... twas a beautiful wake-up call and reminder. A wake up call to keep pressing in and pursuing, to be a strength to my team, and a reminder of what my heart deeply desires.

worship || and the songs therein… *

" i can't see - what's in front of me - still i will trust you - still i will trust you…
.. though I can't see - what's in front of me - still i will trust you - still i will trust you "

I can't put to words how much I have loved this song. Since its release, I have listened to these words countless times… it speaks of a depth, a reality … of speaking who God is and trusting His ways. And yet, when I decided to listen once again to these poignant words, the worship came from a deeper place. It's like those thousands and thousands times prepared me for this time. It was as if tonight, I bore the fruit of what I called forth and planted in those worship services. For all of those times that I sang the words from the depths of my being, fighting even though it may not have been where I was… but I am there now. I need this. I am living this. Daily. Hourly. Minute by minute. If I am being completely honest, I need His lead more and more…. in every increasing depth. I do not need to know what is in front of me. I just have to- have to- have to- have to- have to- have to know that He is with me. That His fingers are interlaced in mine, that his hand is on my back leading what I cannot see, that His voice is whispering in my ear, even if it is not about what the next step might look like, and I need His love to wrap round about me. I trust His lead. I trust that He is a God who dreams extravagant dreams, I trust His timing. And tonight, I needed these words. So thankful for the worship I fought through to reap this moment.

" you are faithful - you will lead me - you are faithful - you will keep me - you are faithful - you will lead me on"

" ….together we will run "

Ah-ha moment….

On the way home from my internship today, I listened to this video.. it was in my podcast list. Amazing. This moment is one I shall not forget soon. This is the kind of marriage I want… to live. Missionally. I am so thankful I am not married, because I would have so easily slid into the ordinary ness of how people have defined marriage. Which is what I do not want. I choose kingdom. I love love love the Amazing Race analogy.

The mission… the beauty… the focus….

I will stay single if I live continually missionally. Some girls I have seen settle and loosen their standards as they get older. I want to tighten what it is I want in the man I adventure and missionaly walk through this life with. I want to be radical… to live Kingdom.

Challenge: Assume Action. I love that quote, but moreso how that could translate into my everyday life!

I love the missional-ness on Francis and Lisa Chan combined with their focus on Jesus coupled with their love for just being together in the mundane, everyday moments, that they enjoy just being together! Inspiring….. Hope.

"This I Believe..." essay....

This is an essay I wrote for my Field 2 class...............

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“This I Believe”

My name is Amy and I believe in a God who knows me most, loves me best, and walks through life with me. Because of Him, I believe my life is the smaller story piece in a larger story canvas. I see the weaknesses and strengths intermingling in me and I believe in myself. I believe in my dreams, a future beyond what I could imagine and a life lived in love for people. I genuinely love people and choose to believe the best in the world. I have been hurt deeply and heartbroken and yet I believe in the beauty and greatness of people.

I believe in excellence in each moment. I believe in adventure. I believe that brussel sprouts and cookie butter with celery is equally delicious as sea salt caramel gelato. I see the brokenness in our world and I also see and believe the world is full of awe, wonder, and gloriousness and that it can inspire too.

I believe in true love and a whimsical feeling that takes you beyond yourself soaring across the sky. And I also believe that love has to be fought for and it is worth fighting for.

I am a realistic girl and a dreamer. I believe you can be both. Celebrating a sunny, crisp fall day as the autumn leaves dance in the wind as you engage in the messy lives of pain, trauma, and despair of so many. I believe in hope – in truth – in joy. 

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.......dancing through life.....

this weekend, i experienced my first vulnerability hangover. i remember hearing that phrase from dr. brene brown wondering what that might feel like. let's just say, i am no longer wondering. i took a risk, a leap, a jump. i rejected safe, fearful hiddenness and chose to risk. i woke up not in regret. i am so so so glad i took the leap, but moreso of "did i do that...say that... wow." it was an adrenaline rush in the moment to this already wholehearted one, but it definitely stepped it up to another level. there's this amazing, wonderful, incredible song called "i hope you dance" by lee ann womack. some of the lyrics include:

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 "...livin' might be takin' chances, but their worth takin' - love might be a mistake, but its worth makin'.... when you have the choice to sit it out or dance, dance"
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.... oh how that song does something to my heart. amazing. incredible. i may now know what it feels like to have a vulnerability hangover, and it may be one of the scariest best things i have ever done.... but i'm so glad i did. no matter what the story may become... it was beautiful, amazing, incredible... i will always choose to live my life from the heart level. and that is what i chose to do when i chose to dance in conversation and take a risk. *smile*

....the best dream ever!

Last night, I had one of the best dreams ever. I have had some amazing and incredible dreams. But this one for me is definitely towards some of the best dreams I have dreamed.

I dreamed that I had a six pack abs! That dream is close to reality, but it felt so cool to have that in this dream AND I had just found out that I was a month pregnant!!! *giggle* ... I was married because I had wedding/engagement rings on my finger... I never did meet this husband of mine... but I must say I woke up with a quite big smile on my face *smile*... HOPE... It was like an injection of hope into my heart. I can still remember what it felt like to feel pregnant. I have no idea if that it how it actually feels to be pregnant, but oh it was quite enjoyable... *smile*

Life………. *peace*

The entirety of my life… right now… I don't know…and yet I have peace… I fix my eyes on Him, my God, Lover of my Soul, my Lord, my Daddy, my Best Friend… *smile*

happy monday thoughts!

"Forgiveness is accepting the burden somebody has given you while no longer holding anything against them. We relinquish control over the person who has hurt us." - Storyline Conference module
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Two weekends ago I was hurt quite badly and aggresively by one of my managers at my job. It all began with a question. I sat down with him and only asked if I could have an expanded section. I really enjoy serving parties and so I just asked what I could do to work towards that. He, in turn, used that question to demean my personality, tell me how he thought I was just a good enough and not a great server, as well as several other hurtful statements. I left that conversation with not only my question unanswered, but feeling diminished. It was the beginning of a Saturday shift and on the brink of tears, I knew I had to do something. I felt fresh from battle with open, gaping wounds. So, I grabbed one of our restaurant papers we use to write our tables information on and proceeded to write.

" ******* (manager's name) does not define me. His perspective of who I am does not speak to who I am."

I then continued restating it with someone else's name. A person with whom I cherish deeply who has unknowingly hurt me, but has hurt me deeper because I value them. It is easy to dismiss my manager's opinion of me because, aside from respecting him solely because he is my manager his opinion has very little weight. The other person has great depth. And yet, both do not define me. Yes, his words hurt me, and yes, although I knew what he said was not truth, it pierced me. Especially with words and the lack thereof being my love language, the hurt went deeper. As I continued to write, I released the control of those words defining me and reminding myself that my God is who defines me. He speaks to who I am and my world.

I was able to share this experience at GIRLS Ranch last Thursday and my girls connected with this story and we had an unbelievably incredible experience talking about the ways that people in our lives have tried to define us. The evening culminated in a destroying of the names, labels, and titles people have thrust onto us. So beautiful and so redemptive for the hurt I did experience. And yet, when I thought that moment with my GIRLS Ranch girls was the redemptive moment for the hurt from my manager, I was at work yesterday and this conversation between my manager and I got out... oh how the restaurant world gossip train goes... My co-workers were appalled. They were livid that I was treated like that and proceeded to speak life and truth and affirmed to me continuously they each believed I was one of the best servers we had and that they were wondering why I was not given sections with party tables in them. There was about five or six standing in the area, I walked up and they all commented about how amazing of a neighbor I am (sections next to each other) and how they love my personality. It was oh so encouraging and sweet. When they asked me my opinion of the whole situation, I shared my revelation about people trying to define us and how it was a reminder to not accept what others define me as. As I spoke, it was a surreal moment, because five or six of my co-workers are just listening to me, and then each confirmed about how people in their lives have tried to define them and how powerful that really is to be aware of. Amazing. Amazing.

And just when I think it was all redeemed. In every shift at work following that conversation, I was given small, normal sections, but I chose to accept and give my 100%. Literally, the Sunday after, I was in a smaller section with four top max tables, and yet 80% of my tables all day were over $100. Amazing. Oh the way God works... AND THEN.... again, I was a small, normal section for lunch this past Sunday.... however, for dinner, they bumped me up to a larger section... it was one of two four table section we have in our sections at our restaurant. Amazed. Oh, how He loves us. If I never get put in a bigger section, it is okay. I am learning to relinquish control of everythingggggg.

Before July, I would have neverrrr classified myself as being a controlling person. I feel relaxed and go with the flow, and yet, with a crazy, and quite frustrating situation with losing my wallet in Denver, Colorado the first day of my vacation, God quite clearly revealed how I can be controlling in the area of my finances. No-one, not even I would have known this... but a future husband I have hope for announcing his arrival in my life someday would have known. So, I am oh so thankful for God revealing this to me.

A Dave Ramsey girl to my core, as I think about how control has seeped into my financial life, I first think about when I relinquish being debt free when I first started college in 2009. And yet, I never want my wisdom in finances to cause stinginess and deplete my generosity. Had this gone unchecked, I do not like to think of it, but this could have suffocated my heart of generosity. However, with the wallet losing episode of the summer of 2015, and not having my wallet for about threeishhhhh weeks, it was revealed. So, I am now learning to let go. I only work right now (for money) two days a week, so, it is easy to get so focused on knowing the bills I need to make and figuring out how to make sure they get paid and I have money for gas and groceries too and maybe a little fun. And yet, I cannot make it happen. My favorite quote in this learning process has been:

"I can't ** He can ** He can through me." - Andy Stanley

So, I'm learning to let go and trust my Daddy God. To trust that He can provide the impossible. To trust that as I put action steps forward, he can accelerate the impossible and make it possible in ways I could never have dreamed of.

Like with what life will look like December 13th. To stand in the tension that I do not know. I do not know what everything will look like, but to trust that He is faithful to lead and guide in every step.

To trust that as I let go, He can do and shine and explode in ways I never could have dreamed about. To remember that Kingdom does not operate the way our culture does. To remember that His ways are not mine and even when I do not see or understand, that He loves me and does want the best for me.

I read a blog about controlling people revealing that the reason they control people is that they have a hard time controlling themselves..... That. That is a powerful statement that hurts oh so good.

So, here's to enjoying the journey, letting go of control, embracing the risk, sitting in the tension and being okay without resolution, and believing that the adventure is going to be even more amazing than I could have ever comprehended.

*smile* ... Happy Monday!

…'twas the day of the best…. and of the worst…

Today, I was the best and worst version of myself. Reflecting on today, I see moments where I was strong in His strength, where I loved without question, where I chose to deny myself… moments where I was the best Amy with confidence, beauty, and freedom. Today, I said no A.L.O.T.  A friend from school and I hung out. When I asked her what she wanted to do, she said shopping. As a girl on a budget with a mission, I knew this was going to be adventurous. I'm not a huge shopper… and I would not say I have a problem in the shopping arena of life, but when you go shopping with a friend peer pressure is definitely a factor, and it is hard to say no when you find something…. but as a Dave Ramsey girl, it is easier to say no when you know it is definitely outside of your budget. And in this season of only working for money two days a week, my budget is so condensed I do not have much room and especially this month and next because my friend Kelly and I are going to play sand volleyball. It is funny to add something else to my schedule. I thought the only thing I could add would be a significant other… because there's always room in my life for love *giggle*…. and yet, I think this is the best decision Kelly and I have made and oh how I am excited to add that…. but paying for the season took a bit out of my budget…. oh but how it will be worth it! Indeed! Anyways, I digress. All that to say, the afternoon conversationally was amazing… despite saying no over and over and over left me a bit tired… it really is like a muscle… so, tonight, I saw the not so pretty side of myself. I fell into temptation… oy. It is like the I do what it is I do not want to do and what it is I want to do, I don't. I have to forgive myself… shower grace, and shake it off and move on. I think the enemy is still mad about Saturday night, so, he saw an opportunity and took it. Well, I may have lost this one and as much as I chose the temptation and fell. However, I'm not going out…. I'm waking up and its game over. I refuse to react… I'm all in.

Internship thoughts and observations.... and ramblings..

At my internship today, there have been so many clients calling in with divorce and child custody problems... as HGTV plays in the background with couples fighting to give up what they want in "love it, or list it" housing for their families. My heart is breaking... this can't be what God dreamed of when he instituted the man and woman in the covenant of marriage. It is encouraging me as a single girl onward to continue to allow God to break down the high places and the fleshly parts of me in favor of the character of who He is, so that in his timing, I can be a great wife. Not because of me, but because I'm allowing His fires to refine the brokenness within me and letting Holy Spirit teaching me how to love my husband well. I listened to a podcast even this morning where the pastor was talking about that the statistics for divorce are 1 in 2. 1 in 2. What a sobering thought. 1 in 2. Interestingly so, he went on to state that the research has found (and backed it up with saying that Dr. Phil had quoted this statistic) that for couples who pray together, 1 in 15,000 divorce. Wow. Wow.

Anyways.... I had a realization that had me giggling today. The desk where I sit and the set-up is quite similar to Pam from the Office. She's my favorite character on the Office.... so it was quite fun.... now if only I could find Jim! *laugh*

I must say... I like the eb and flow of life. Last week was quite crazy school and internship...and everything. This week... I just looked over everything.. and it is going to be a slower paced week even in the midst of what I do have. Excited for the eb. *smile* ... maybe I shall have more time for running this week *giggle*

Unconditionally****** Larger Story versus the Smaller Story of life…...

Friday night on my run, the song "Unconditionally" by Katy Perry came across my playlist and as I was listening to it, something hit me brand new. Instead of a challenge to love the people in my life unconditionally, I saw it in a new light. Today, I was reminded of my God's unconditional love that floods all around me. Steady. True. Constant. And how I can love Him back in varying degrees. That I do not love Him unconditionally. I want to. What does that look like??

For me, that looks like choosing to love and set my focus when I don't understand. When I question. When I am surrounded by Why's. When I don't understand his ways, but resting in his love. Not being stress-y in His love, but resting, and leaning into His love despite the lack of answer's to my why's.

Oh how runs are so good and powerful for my physical body and also my heart, my spirit, and my view on the world. Friday night's run awakened this revelation about living life in the larger story versus the smaller stories… and throughout the weekend, I was thinking about that and how powerful the realization is of this.

Okay, so, we live our lives that includes friendships, relationships of all sorts, jobs, dreams, daily to-do stuff and although, these are important, this is what defines the "smaller story" … the story increases when your life meets another--- such as a friend, a significant other, or a family member…. but the larger story…. the larger story is the community you are living in, the macro part of life (social work terminology)…. the world at large, continents, countries…. So, the thought is that one of the ways the enemy distracts and paralyzes is when we focus on the smaller stories. Even a friendship, relationship, or someone in our family…. maybe a dream that has died, a career path, a desire unmet, even an adventure undiscovered. When you are so focused on that "small" story, you are unable to see the larger story… the bigger picture. You have a sort of blinders on.

Now, this is pure theory. This, I believe can be one piece of the puzzle that ushers in addictions, even divorce. For instance, in marriage (this is coming from a never been married girl, who hopes one day to encounter that joy) if our world is just you and me…. it can be kind of suffocating. We were made for the larger story. We were made to live our lives outside of us. And if it is just you and me and our little life, there is no adventure to take on, no battle to fight in, no story that takes us outside of us. I want to join up with my future husband and take on the world together… to fight for something larger.. to live on that larger story scale.

So, a few days ago, Holy Spirit was showing me my life presently and the elements of my life and challenging me to live on that larger story scale instead of staring at one piece or another with wondering. But to be fully present- to follow my feet and be intentional with each step. Here. In this season.

Today is Labor Day. I am off of everything--- work, internship, school, volunteer…. So thankful for a day to rest and not labor *smile*…. it is so good for my heart. And this evening, I get to be and relax with the quality people.

"There is a season for every activity under heaven…" …. this season is definitely teaching me the beauty of pockets of rest. But oh how I love it. Under 100 days!!!! *giggle*

This is from a month ago, but this amazing group of people had a game night this past Wednesday… lets just say amazingness was had!!!

Forgiveness ranting…..

Sometimes forgiveness sucks. A lot. It is so good for my heart. I know this. But the process- the journey can be super rocky, messy…. I choose to forgive despite the messy…. I want to believe the best in people. When I meet someone, I give them a jar full of marbles of trust… because I want to trust  and believe in people. What they choose to do with that jar reveals itself in the relationship. I have a friend. A friend I am choosing to be friends with despite the messy. A friend who has hurt me deeply. This friends birthday just past. I bought a birthday gift. Because I love putting thought into birthday gifts and calling out something in them through that gift. I got a gift. Why? Not because I wanted to. It was because I didn't want to… I don't want bitterness or hurt to pollute my heart. So, I got a gift because I choose to protect my heart from the enemy. So, I choose to forgive… even when I don't feel it or don't know it… Just a thought.

Some days are just unforgettable….

Today, August 24, 2015 is a memorable day. Today was my last first day of my undergraduate college ness. Today was the beginning of the end. Today, I started my internship. Best first day ever. Truly. Everyone was meeting me and telling me how they were genuinely excited for me being apart of the organization. I got the tour, assigned a few tasks throughout the day, a few amazing conversations with my new co-workers… they are all sweet and amazing. One lady, a grandmother type named Mary said she saw "it" in me. She kept encouraging me about her belief that wherever in social work I pursue, that I'll be great. So encouraging. She randomly told me a story about a sweet friend of hers who is beautiful and 38 years old. She married a 38 year old man and they wanted to start a family and after sometime, they are now pregnant and how this is their first marriage. She didn't even know it, but it was  an injection of hope. Hope to believe that God is creating a love story for my future husband and me even when I may not see it. Love. Later in the day, Mary asked me when I graduate. After telling her my graduation date in December, she said "Oh, I know people" with a wink. I feel like the story of my life is a puzzle and I keep getting these puzzle pieces from God that serve as sweet reminders-- "I'm faithful." "I'm good." "I know you like surprises." "If only you knew how amazing it will all be" "Trust me." "I love you extravagantly."   I love it. I feel like a little puzzle piece in this large puzzle. I like living life on a large scale- a big scale- a beyond what I can see ness. After my internship, I went grocery shopping for the week on my budget and then an evening run.

On my run, I was thinking that even though I don't know what December will look like… that's okay because you do. It is okay to not know and be okay with the not knowing. I was reminded of two Tuesday's ago at Kairos, a guy came up to me and felt you wanting to encourage me with Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Oh so good. I fix my eyes on my God and He takes care of the steps. So so good.

Another day I will not forget is Friday, August 14, 2015. The day I hiked Pike's Peak with Kate, Seth, and Pat. 12.79 miles to the 14, 110 altitude. It was a challenge. Each step, breathe…. and I learned intentionality in each step. Not needing to analyze what I would feel at mile 7 when I need to focus on my steps and breathing in mile 3. It was a magnificent feeling ascending that peak. It was a bucket list moment to remember. I feel like I am still processing it…. I had a hugeeeee amazingly incredible processing moment filled with laughter and full out crying on the plane home from Colorado to Tennessee…. I'm sure the couple sitting next to me thought I was a little emotionally unstable…. but that moment of processing is one that Jesus and me will not soon forget. Colorado was an amazing and incredible trip for multiple reasons and I feel like each person I came in contact, I was fully present with and able to invest which created some pretty incredible moments!

relational thoughts….. worldly vs. Kingdom

So, yesterday after work, I planned to come home and tackle a list of things I wanted to get done… I wrote an extensive list of what I wanted to focus on. However, after I got home, flu like symptoms I was experiencing earlier in the day cascaded into a full on flu like state. I was curled up on our couch trying to rest it out. Ericka got home and put on the Bachelorette…. she did sweetly ask me, because she knows how much I despise the show, but she enjoys it… it was the finale. It frustrated me continuously…. It is all about feelings, lust, and selfishness. Sean Lowe's season as the Bachelor was different because he has a relationship with God and that affected his journey. However, this one was very much founded from a worldly basis of thinking about relationships. It got me thinking and that if I wasn't a Christian, I don't know if I could handle the world's view of relationships. It's so 1 dimensional.

Whereas with God, relationships are 4 dimensional… It's a piece of a bigger picture… it's not based solely on feelings or emotions…

This. This is beautiful ness in relationships…. This video is a taste of the depth that God creates within the context of marriage…. Kingdom….
Love.

hope***

Singleness is not a disease. In our couples culture, it is easy to forget this. It's true. It can be a really really good thing. I can say that as a thirty-one year old who has been single the majority of my life. It's not a bad thing. I had a friend break it off with a long-term boyfriend and as she was telling about she shared that she knew she had to do it a long time but that she didn't want to go back to dating and being single as she said single with an "yuck" sound effect. Two months ago I may not have understand what she was feeling, but I feel the emotion. I get it, I understand why people settle. It's hard… to be vulnerable, to put your heart out there and risk. It's hard to keep believing and hoping when that hope is getting beaten around. It's worth it. But oh my, it's hard. 

Husband, I'm not giving up on you. I have hope. For us, for our story… for our story that is a nuclear explosion of Kingdom and love the way our God dreamed. ****

We cannot lose hope, single ones, we can't give up. I'm in the stage of life where some of my dearest friends are getting engaged, married, babies upon babies upon babies, buying houses… and I get to see and share their beautiful pictures and stories…. and you know what, I am genuinely happy for them-- deeply. I love going to weddings and sharing their love. I love seeing and holding their babies. I love hearing the love stories…. the stories about their kids and what goofiness they are up to or the newest adventure in raising kids. I rejoice and I don't get discouraged in those moments… if anything, it stirs up hope for that season…. because you know what, even if the human being sexy man of God love of my life finds me and pursues me when I'm in my 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's or 100's…. he'll still be worth the wait. There is a part of me that hopes that it is in my 30's…. but I'm not giving up. *smile*

And ladies and gentlemen, that hope is linked to far more than a relationship… it goes into dreams, passions, and the adventures of life…….

There is this conversation on Grey's Anatomy where Cristina and Meredith are talking about their lives and Cristina shares that Meredith's life looks different because "its filled with houses and husbands and kids." And then she continues with "… and mine looks the same, but I am not. I've changed." There is something so beautiful about that. Because I am not the same girl I was last year, I saw a picture of me in January and barely recognized that girl. I have changed… A LOT… despite my relationship status, college, job, and city consistencies…. and yet, I have grown… and I'm going to keep growing… and letting God use the process of life, His revelation, my heart and the feelings that sometimes surprise me that he shows me within my heart… I think in singleness, this is easy to forget, but even when we don't have anyone to witness our lives on a day in, day out basis…. there are sometimes with my schedule I don't see my roommates for days…. but He's there. Even on my run today, as I was turning around to cross the road, this all culminated as a train (like the one on the incredible movie "Unstoppable") came charging towards me on the tracks…. I was on a trail away from the tracks (FYI)… but it was so close and it was a sweet, "Amy girl, I'm with you" from my Jesus … or the way he knows how much I absolutely love sunsets and in the middle of a crazy Saturday, I walk up to my section and look out the door and the gorgeous majestic-ness of the sunset leaves me breathless. These as Shannon Nicole says, kisses from Jesus are amazing, incredible and remind me that I am loved.

On a completely random note, on my run, I remember an amazing, incredible, beautiful lady whom I love and adore telling me when I lived in Kentucky that it might take a man in my life, my future husband to tell me that I am beautiful for me to believe it. I honestly think that if I don't believe I am beautiful now, I don't think I would believe it if my husband told me. Obviously, this is pure theory, but just a thought. 

This weekend, a man opened fire in a theater in Louisiana. It really has me thinking about the brokenness of our world…. and yet, this I know, when I hear about that or the man who opened fire on two military bases with more in mind than what occurred…. or ISIS…. or at my international social work summer class where, on Thursday, I learned about female genitilia mutiliation circumcision…. The light is the only thing that can cast off the darkness.. The only thing. There is no Plan B…. I want to be so full of God….. his truth, love, grace, kindness….. that I am merely an echo…. as I follow his voice, that I can be a megaphone of His truth. Oh that I will have the courage and bravery to speak what needs to be spoken. To a world who sees and knows a lot of brokenness but has not encouraged the one their soul craves… the one who can fill the broken empty places and inject hope. Hope.

this is my fight song……...

i do not know if there is a word or even a grouping of words invented that could possibly capture how much this song means to me.

there is something that happens within me when i listen to it. i think this, for me, may be one of those songs that becomes an anthem within me to such a degree that i can listen to it over and over and over. one of the themes it touches is this craving that she feels something deeper, stronger, powerful, great in her and even if no one else sees it, she does and she's giving her 100% regardless.

"…a lot of fight left in me…"

i feel that. i have been underestimated so much by leaders. i get the "sweet card" but there is so much more to me and the woman God is refining me into and to be put in the sweet box is frustrating. church, professionally, in my various work places, this has been the story and i want to be me. i like me. i'm a broken human with brokenness being constantly revealed…and yet, i like me…. i like the "sweet" but i'm like sea salt carmel…. there may be the sweetness, but there is a salty side to me…. true. story. that salty can look like loyalty--- faithful steadfast stubbornness--- even warrior like… i see my spiritual side like Eowyn from LOTR and this song excites me.

simplicity. spiritual warfare. six pack abs.

these are my three 2015 goals…. and all three have been a process where I have seen change---significantly since this year began….. but that's my warrior princess side awakening…strengthening… for spiritual warfare. i was scrapbooking a few weeks ago (my nerdy processing fun creative side) and I was reading an old journal where my best friend, Cazi LaRee, was sharing about a conversation with her dad had and how he felt the enemy challenging him in a rough season of life--- " if you let up, i will let up." this i know…. this amy is not letting up. it does not matter what the picture looks like. i want great. and not great in the sense of millions of dollars, famous, or big house. i want to be great in my God's eyes. that is the ultimate. for real. simply. my challenge these days is to create space--capacity-- room for God to do that. the past three weeks have been rough… and in the middle of that rough, with much thankfulness to my Jess Jessica friend, I have been reading "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. it hurts so good and this last weekend at camp, i was asking Jesus why i felt so low and broken…. like the carpet was swept out from under my feet. He so simply and sweetly spoke that in order to build up in my life, He has to break down … to remove…. to refine…... it hurts so good.

An offer of forgiveness…….

Interesting. A little over a month ago, I was hurt by a friend who I thought I could trust. There was no offer of forgiveness, but I made a choice to forgive and to live out "Love is kind." I did not feel it, but I made the decision that love in its very raw definition will be the mark of my life. Wrestling with the hurt I felt, I chose that my life would be defined by love and not anger and/or bitterness. So, I forgave. In the month that followed, I ended up making the choice to forgive continually whenever that hurt resurfaced. Today, this person asked for my forgiveness. In that month of choosing forgiveness, I thought the process would have been made substantially easier if I had received an offer of asking for forgiveness. And yet, because I have chosen forgiveness, it did not make a difference. Interesting. My heart was already living in such a place of forgiveness and choosing to love in such a way that even when the person who hurt me was sitting across from me asking for forgiveness, it did not change anything. It was great to see this person realize how they had hurt me... and yet…. I think its interesting how we think that if the person who had wronged us would ask for forgiveness than we could move on. It may be a process but I have learned that forgiveness and the freedom to move on … that power.. is in our hands-- to make that choice. Interesting.

Stagnancy vs. Consistency………. **TRIGGER**

Today I ran. I ran. My pace was slow. My distance was short. I ran.

This I learned from today's run.

Somedays, you just have to show up. I was journaling this morning and Holy Spirit and I grappled with the difference between being stagnant and consistency. It is a fine line swinging from each side. The stay at home Mom who is physically there, but not engaged with her children and does not invest in her children…or even the Mom who is so there, its become an idol and her lifeline can create a stagnancy. Consistently, the Mom who chooses to love her children intentionally and love them individually…who laughs, corrects, teaches, creates, and shows up wholeheartedly everyday. Or the athlete who shows up every day but has lost the passion and thus gives a half hearted effort versus the athlete who consistently trains day in and day out with passion… even though they are there every day, the dividing factor swinging the pendulum towards stagnancy or consistency is wholehearted engagement, intentionality, passion, and choosing to show up with what 100% you have that day and to go beyond.

From this run, I learned something else. I ate breakfast before this run. I thought I waited long enough for digestion. I didn't. My lungs were great, my stomach, on the other hand, was miserable and nauseous. As I thought about it, in the running aspect, it triggered me to remember that once again, I love waking up and going on a run and then coming back and eating breakfast. I forgot about this until I suffered the consequences of eating before my run. To me, remember that horrid stomach feeling will for future reference remind that I in fact like to run and then eat. What if our sin acted like a trigger for our response? Yes, asking for forgiveness from God and recommitting to run after Him and His righteousness, but instead of allowing the enemy to suffocate us in guilt and shame, what if we took as a trigger to remember why we choose to go against our flesh, why we are choosing to walk a different path, why we have made the commitment to say no to that thing. Just a Holy Spirit and Amy thought… *smile*

A video filled with sweet truth……..

No Plan B. *smile*

I just celebrated my birthday. I just love birthdays. My friend Brian Thomas and I celebrated our June birthdays together by going to a Nashville Sounds game. It rained. It forecasted rain resulting in quite a few people to not even come to the game. There was a fun group that did come. Standing outside debating whether to brave the game and the possible forthcoming rain or to change the plan, one of my dear friends, Jess Jessica asks me what my back up is. I laugh and look at her and ask, "Do I look like a girl who would have a back-up plan?" She laughs. We go to the game and it rains on and off--- Shannon, Brian, and I endured until the torrential downpour in the top of the sixth inning causing a rain delay and the end of the game. It was quite fun though… and it was my first time at The First Tennessee ballpark!

So, I remember this conversation with Jess today on my road trip back home to Nashville from visiting my family in Ohio. This memory triggers the truth that I am not a girl with a back-up plan. It's not my personality and how God and I operate. I would say there are detours that I did not expect, but no plan B's or C's…. I felt so deeply and strongly God encouraged me to move to Kansas City. I left the swimming pool, went up to my apartment, and took everything I owned and placed it in the middle of my room and began to sort everything into piles- "Going to Kansas City", storing at Dad and Mom's,  and throwing away items. Even when I encountered resistance moving and how I was going to get all of my stuff there, where I would live, where I would work… in my Amy mind, there was no Plan B… it was a solidarity and confidence knowing it would work out. This is where my free spirit can be a strength connected with my relationship with God. He speaks, I move, and have the confidence that all of the details will just get figured out. It was just interesting to realize. For instance, I know I'm going to get married, God spoke it to me. I know that He will never leave me or forsake me, God spoke it. I know that He loves me deeply and furiously, God spoke it. I like it…. it's just fun! *smile*

Running 100%, 200%, and 300% revelation as I reflect on thirty before thirty turns to thirty-one…..

Almost two weeks ago, I received a letter. In that letter, a person in my life revealed some very honest truths. I am glad because there was mention about not telling me for six months to a year down the road. After reading that letter and a follow up conversation, I was sent into a tornado of pain. A tornado where I felt betrayed by someone I considered to be a friend….all for completely selfish reasons. The aftermath lasted about twenty-four hours and then was zapped away. The days that followed were filled with prayer, processing, a lot of journalling and talking to God I found that there were a variety of emotions I needed to walk through to heal and move on. Forgiveness that had to be chosen-- over and over and over. It seems from my end this person does not think they did anything wrong. I have though chosen to forgive and to be kind and loving as a friend. I have chosen to go against what some might have chosen in my position. I have chosen not to abandon this person.  "Love is kind." I have lived out that reality and made that choice when the hurt I have been processing through made me not want to. On my run today, I felt Holy Spirit encourage me that He trusted me enough to put me in the middle of this situation. He trusted that my foundation on Him could endure the storm. I was nearly brought to tears in the midst of this conversation with Holy Spirit. The God of heaven and earth… my Creator… my Lord… my Savior… the Lover of my Soul… my Best Friend… trusted me and our relationship that he could use me in this person's life. He knew what would happen. And yet, the unexpected effect is that this whole situation created a make shift clinic for me to realize where my heart is. To realize the emotions and feelings I had been seeking… Had I not walked through the aforementioned situation, God could not have used it to reveal my hearts feelings. *smile*…. I do not know what the future will hold with that… it is out of my control, but can I just say how amazing and incredible our God is who can take these ashes and the rubble of this tornado and bring such a beauty that is unfathomable. Wow. I am amazed.

Running revelation----- Holy Spirit was teaching me about strengths and weaknesses. I had an as always fun, hilarious, and deep conversation with my Dad before I went to work. He is being a Dad and he cares so, he and many other people keep asking me about what my life will look like after graduation. Which if I could put a news bulletin out to the world to stop asking me, I would! I don't know.. I don't. I have ideas, dreams, thoughts, wonderings… but I don't know. I didn't know I would be in this spot right now. I thought I'd be graduating with a nursing degree from NKU marrying my first boyfriend. I in fact am graduating with a social work degree from MTSU and the love part is out and about. *smile*… I trust the leadings of God, but I don't know..yet. So, Dad mentions that when he was graduating college, you could be a professor as a grad student and work alongside a professor and teach as you get your masters. To which I responded that that is something I do not know if I would want to do. Because teaching is not my strength. At. All. I have been engaging in this weakness through teaching at GIRLS Ranch, but it is still far from my strength. And so, on my run today, Holy Spirit begins to teach me about being in your strength element and how you don't need necessarily the God factor….whereas, if you are operating within your weakness, the need increases! Dare I say it becomes a sense of "God, if you don't intervene, I may not make it"… a sort of beautiful desperation. He then taught me this as I had already run seven miles in ninety-some degree weather and was tired and quite sparkly sweaty. He dared me to run and told me the point to start. I then, ran and the first time, he instructed me to give it my 100% past the point I could physically feel ..sharing that this was practice on a physical running area for what he has ahead --- And so, I pushed past what I was feeling into where I was relying on His strength and what He could do in and through me … He then told me the point I could stop. We did this for 200% and then 300%…. He began to share with me that there is a point where the possible and the impossible meet and if we allow ourselves to embrace and settle into the weakness where He is literally the only way we can meet a goal, do something, or see something come into reality, that, that is where He is glorified and we can bring the impossible to reality.

In 2 days, I will be thirty-one. I am excited! I love love love love birthday's! I am excited about mine! It leads me though to think about this past year of life. I must say, my year thirty has definitely been one of my favorites. And yet, I am excited for 31 and all this year holds. Graduation being exciting… and I can only begin to imagine the other surprises God has within this upcoming year….

Reflecting on 30…..

the best thirtieth birthday celebration! summer of thirty!

                                                                     
                                                                          fall of thirty!

                                                                   winter of thirty!

spring of thirty!

summer of thirty…. pre thirty-one….

(top: almost thirty-one)  (bottom: newly thirty)

There was Grenada, SSR, The Grand Ole Opry, Deans List at MTSU, finding a teaching groove at GIRLS Ranch, love, betrayal, new job, JEF, losing friends, gaining friends, my first adult cavity, laughter, tears, deepening quality friendships, feeling comfortable in my own skin, depth in my intimacy and relationship with God… 

That was then… thirty-one is on the horizon… with a year ahead that needs to be written with love, adventure, depth… it's going to be great!

||| a storm without warning |||

It came. I knew it would. Realist, not skeptic. It was all too Superman and little Clark Kent. The storm came. I am thankful that it came… 

I'm left to deal with the ramifications of someone else's selfish decision. I feel betrayal, hurt, some anger, and oh so many questions swirling within me. I trusted a friend…. I am so incredibly thankful for honesty, which I can just feel Holy Spirit within the honesty. I could never in a trillion years have guessed I would be where I am, but here I am. I knew there was a risk. I even said to a friend, it could be messy, but I will and will always choose to risk. People are worth the risk. I do believe in redemption and that somehow, someway, there will be beauty that comes from these seeming ashes. It is quite interesting the truth that has been revealed in the past few days within my own heart I did not know was there. In a "it makes me smile despite the crazy strangeness of this." I am so thankful for my friends and family's support, prayers, and love. And for a God who loves me and sees a bigger story than I do. It is interesting how this exploded and within twenty-four hours, I went back to feeling like me. Even in the chaos. The last time my heart was involved, that was not the case.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." --- Lamentations 3:22-24----

Thursday, the day after the storm, I was listening to my "Glee Cast Channel" on Pandora and this song came on--- "Never Giving Up" by Melinda Dolittle…. these are the beautiful words that connected oh so powerful with my heart.

**************************######################+++++++++++++++++++++++++^^^^^

I knew that I would have a great love story

That was when I wasn't scared to dream

I won't let a fear like that destroy me

I'm gonna believe

I'll turn the page to write my own love stories

Take my pen and write a brand new dream

I'm beautiful no matter what they tell me

I'm gonna believe

Even if it means my heart keeps breaking

Even if I lose my love's not changing

I'm never, I'm never giving up

Even if the phone leaves me broken

Even if you tell me its hopeless

I'm never, I'm never giving up

I'm never giving up, up

I will find the one who leaves me breathless

I will find the one who lets me dream

Finding love will be a risk worth taking

I'm gonna believe

I'm Stronger -- Stronger than you see

I'm Fighting -- Cuz I believe

I'm Never -- I'm never giving up

My Whole Life

My Whole Life in front of me

I Wont' Stop -- Until I see

I'm Never -- I'm never giving up

I'm never giving up, up

====================!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%((((((((((((((((

depth….

There is an online community called::: She Reads Truth that I am a part of. It is a group of women of all ages who, around our country and the nations have chosen to be intentional about the Word of God. Women who seek to dig into the Word and grow on a daily basis. We connect through a daily devotion and social media. I have discovered many of my friends are She Reads Truth-ers. Love this community. I actually found them through my roommate in Kansas City who suggested it to me in the middle of the depression I was sinking deeper and deeper into. The SRT community quickly became a type of oxygen cannula to my mind, soul, and spirit. 

A couple of days ago, one of the devotionals was about Lot's wife and the writer of the devotional spoke to the fact that sometimes in our lives-----

 "….we're asked to obey without having all the information."

 Deep. Truth. One I have been living out since our 2015 Nashville Ice Storm when God asked me to lay down a man I had feelings for and a dream in my heart within a two week time span. Little did I know what He had up his sleeve.

I began the healing and continual surrender process that week. It was like a detox. As the days pass since then, I have begun to see the why… and how God has protected me from a dream that was not in a healthy place… whether He gives it back to me or not is the point… the point is in surrender, I chose Him over that dream. 

The enemy is a jerk face. It drives me up a wall his tactics and his disgusting ness and the manipulative ways he uses to get to me. he always knows what will get to me. my sister posting a picture of me when I was not in a healthy place of life, physically… why…. why does he have to be such a jerk. It only fuels me fire to stand up and fight as a warrior to destroy his kingdom and all he is. It fuels my anger to come at him with a vengeance. I won't let up. I won't let him win. I will not fight on the defensive---- I will fight on the offensive… ready or not…whatever he throws at me, I am coming after him- in the name of Jesus. 

Because I am loved. Because I am a daughter of the King. Because the materialism and consumerism of this world will not, can not, shall not have a hold on me. I'm coming for blood. In His face… to be a beacon of God's hope, truth, love, and victory. I will fail and my humanness will get me…. but I am a warrior, I will get back up and fight.

running thoughts……….

2 in 1 conditioner and shampoo**headphones with removable over the ear clasps that attach to earbuds** bra's with removable straps that can be converted into strapless

I've decided products with multiple jobs are not good. These products may be versatile, however, they don't do any of the two great…. it is like having two mediocre products in one. I was thinking about this concept on my run when I realized with technology, social media, and all of the distractions in our society today create this effect. Are we ever fully engaged and wholehearted where we are-- in the moment?? I'm reading an article on my phone and watching my favorite TV show…. or at home, I'm texting while talking to my roommates…. I'm not fully engaged. What if I let go of the mindset of multi tasking and fully engaged in each task. I'm sure not only would I still get what I need to get accomplished done, but also, I'm sure there would be added level of excellence. Fully engaged in the step you are taking….. I feel this is INCREDIBLY important where I am now in my senior year in college. I am continuously getting the question of what I am going to do after graduation…. grad school…. moving…. traveling…. And yet for me when I look past December 12, 2015, I wonder if I experience what the earliest explorers in our history encountered as they went exploring the theory of flatness of the earth. At the farthest part, they could die, discover something brand new, or launch into an amazing new adventure. And yet, I don't need to know what happens after graduation. I don't. I want to know, and yet, when I pictured my college graduation when I first started college I imagined I would be marrying my first love with a nursing degree from Northern Kentucky University. God, on the other hand, had other plans and you know, I like His plan. So, instead of trusting him while trying to figure everything out like a bad 2 in 1 product, I'm just going to fully engage in my senior year of college and lean into Him with every step. True. Story.

Running revolutionary thought…..
Yesterday evening on my run, I unintentionally took the paths with all of the hills, so I would consider yesterday a hill day. I didn't intend to do that, but that is what happened. With allllllllll of the hills I ran, I was thinking about the hill and how running is incredibly applicable to our lives. Mike Glenn says that you are either in the middle of a storm of life, coming out of it, or about to enter a storm. The "storms" of life can be equated to the hills on my run. I was thinking about the downhills and how in those "coming out of the storm" times of life, we coast, chill, because the storm will come again…. that's life. However, I was thinking, what if during that section of time, we instead, dug deep to restore our oxygen, we engaged in a preparation like ness to give up the oxygen, muscle power, and energy to endure the next "hill." I had this thought and even afterwards on the downhills I realized I had to fight that longing to just coast because I had endured the hill. Instead of being intentional about deep breathing and mentally preparing for the next hill. Intentionally. It does not just happen, it happens with intentionality. Interestingggggggg….. #truth

in my face lyrics from my music------

"I get frustrated when there is no why"-building429&Blanca

Grand Ole Opry tonight with Shannon Renee and Brett Eldredge---- oh so excited!!! *smile*

A Yes= A No…...

Each yes decision results in a no decision to something else. When I say yes to my relationship with God, it means that I say no to religion and rules. When I say yes to being intentional with my friendships, I say no to isolation. I will one day say yes to a man to become my husband which will result in my saying no to every other man. I hope to one day say yes to investing in my children and no to taking an easy route. I always want to say yes to being missional for Kingdom and no to selfishness and what I want for life. When I say yes to giving my 100% to school, I say no to giving just enough. Every decision sets us up for greatness….for purpose…. for our journey. Each. Decision. I do not want to do life half in. I want to be wholehearted. I want to make that decision as I proclaim yes.

On my run today, I was thinking about bitterness and how it can so easily creep into the heart. I do not believe it happens "all of a sudden." I think that it is a day by day, decision by decision virus that infects the heart and soul. On my runs I have a chance and decision to fight against bitterness. To choose to not to be bitter at the car that had an entire road with several lanes to drive in and yet gets so close to me running. Or when I'm at work serving and the table that treats me rudely and meanly because I am an easy target. Or the co-worker who degrades me with their words because they are hurting but I'm an easy target right there. Life is messy and it seems as if it sets us up to become bitter, angry, hurt and to let that guide…. but I've decided and I make this decision every day to fight against bitterness. To choose love. To allow the driver who won't move over a bit to embrace the opportunity to test my reflexes and run in the ditch. To allow the rude table to push me to pray for them and what the underlying issue is and to smile and respect them-regardless. To love the co-worker and serve because they are fighting bigger battles than I can probably see. I want to make those decisions… and I don't as much as I would like to, but I'm fighting onwards. Because I've seen the wife who used to embrace and celebrate her husbands quirks, but now they are frustrating and she's bitter. I've worked with the nurse who has dreamed of being a nurse her entire life, but now gets easily angered, frustrated and becomes bitter at her patients. The Dad who dreamed of having a family, but now his kids just being kids frustrates him. I do believe we can call our heart back to joy and to give the middle finger to bitterness with one decision. One. Decision. Saying Yes to Joy and the beauty of life within the messy and love… and saying No to bitterness and anger.

I was running and noticed the honeysuckle trees that have blossomed as spring is awakening. It made me think and wonder…. if maybe their honeysuckle flowers are that beautiful and sweet because they have endured the bitter winter…. maybe the fighting against the bitter cold and everything of winter creates a sweetness and a beauty that cannot come forth in any other way. *smile*

End of the semester assignments…...

So….. I have a ten page paper due soon…within the next couple of weeks. I had a topic and a passion for my topic. I was going to destroy a huge chunk of said paper today. Then, I reread the handout given to us about this paper and it had a pivotal line that somehow allllllll semester I missed- that this paper has to do something with our field experience. I lightly encountered my topic at my field internship. However, it is not primarily based on my field experience. So…. a paper I thought all I would have to do is take all of my research, mental outline, and just write…. may have to be completely redone. Crazy. So, I emailed my professor and I do not know how to continue. I feel like I am in a holding pattern.

Oh holding patterns of my life… it is my current life theme in everythinggggggg. To be honest, I am not stressed. I do not have any other ideas for paper topics in which I could cannonball into. So, I wait. If I have to shift my entire paper, I have to shift my entire paper. I do not know that now, so I wait. I feel like in these seeming waiting story lines of my life I am learning more than I could have ever comprehended if the pattern would have just continued onwards. I surrendered my heart for missions=holding pattern, pending complete termination….. I graduate in December= holding pattern in school as the semester concludes for the spring semester….. And yet, I feel strength being built. PNEUMAGO*** "Spirit led" …. I don't have to know every detail. I give my 100%, I ask, I lean into my Beloved, and I trust His timing and process.

I was talking to my best friend who lives in Michigan and I was sharing with her about these trees I saw on my run….

This first tree (top) has a strong root structure, the bottom part of the trunk is anchored still, and yet it will become firewood because the main part of the trunk isn't anchored…. however, the second tree (bottom) root structure and despite being pulled out a bit by the storm, its main trunk and root structure are still in place. I shared this with Meagan and how I felt Holy Spirit challenging me to not only build a deep root structure, but to allow this season of hiddenness and training to build strength in me (as the tree *smile*) in my whole structure. Meagan then shared with me that when a tree is a sapling, it moves with every movement of the wind and it is tossed to and fro…. however, with the winds and the storms, the biological chemistry of the trunk of the tree is strengthened which fortifies trees and makes them able to withstand the storms. As she was sharing with me, she had a revolutionary ah-ha moment---- the more we allow ourselves to stand in the storm, and not to run from the storm, the more strength will be built. WOW. I love the way God teaches and builds.
                                                                                             I love His training!!!