Cliff*jumping

One week ago tomorrow God gave me a huge connector puzzle piece for my life. I have had all of these pieces that I loved and yet, it was as if they didn't connect somehow. It seemed they were all met to come together somehow, and yet something was missing. Something wasn't allowing the picture, the dream, the vision to come to life. One week ago tomorrow, God downloaded that into my heart and mind in an instant. Last Sunday evening I processed everything, and with that one whisper and igniting within my heart and soul, everything came together. Everything connected. The pieces that I knewwwww were interconnected, united…in one instant…with one word from my God.

A beautiful sweet moment…right… absolutely…and yet, how did I process it. It was a lot. A lot. One of those big, huge, crazy, this is so big it has to be God and yet where do I go… how I do I process…how do I walk forward… what's my next move…

I said the whole story out loud to one of my best friends from Ohio. I said it and it sounded even crazier coming out of my mouth. Voicing the words that were exploding within me…

It feels like cliff jumping.

There is this man I spent a majority of my twenties with- Danny Wayne. Not romantically- in a crazy, God-orchestrated friendship. I call him my brother… and he calls me his sister. It really was/is. Danny loves adventures… to date his wife and him enjoy those adventures together..and I love it.. because I prayed years upon years for her… and to see her enter his life and start their life together was explosively exciting to my heart… but before Ashley, whenever Danny wanted an adventure to go on, he'd grab me… long, random, crazy road trip adventures; belly caving; the season of ultimate frisbee, frisbee golf, wallyball; hiking of all sorts; oh the stories we have of the adventures we lived… cliff jumping. We went a few times… my most memorable was when I learned how I cliff jump- I climb up the cliff- the 50 foot, the highest, was my favorite… I would hike up and without waiting, allowing myself to analyze… I already knew it was safe because Danny had scoped it all out, I would hike up and jump. Just jump. That's how I've lived my life. God speaks, I jump… and yet, in this season of life, I'm learning to allow process to create the beauty that can only come from process.

So, here I stand. I've climbed up the cliff. God's united these pieces within my soul and I have a picture… well, I have most of this picture… I have believed for yearsssss that my future husband, whomever, that man shall be has the other half to the pieces… and yet, I'm not a half of a picture…I just feel like he is going to expand the picture I have….. anyways… so, here I stand on this cliff.. wanting to just jump… while learning the beauty in process… the beauty in seasons… the beauty in allowing it ripen and the power of God orchestrated Kairos timing.

So, how have I handled standing on said cliff longing to just jump… even if it hurts when I hit that water and I feel in over my head… I have done anything to distract myself- I've allowed my flesh to win over my spirit so many times it makes my heart hurt and my head dizzy… I've analyzed, trying to figure how all of this is going to look and work the plan, while reminding myself to keep on letting go… I've failed. I've not leaned into my God… I have not allowed the silence and the waiting to cultivate something beautiful…. I've persistently pursued the conversation… while knowing in the back of my head… the beauty of process… and that He's leading. A couple days ago after work, listening to The Dave Ramsey Show in traffic I was awakened from these terribly horrible coping mechanisms as I stand on the cliff waiting for my time to jump… he was talking about how everyone says they are going to change their financial habits tomorrow.. they are going to shake off the failure… and how do they start and he began to speak this phrase over and over…. "Get Ready- Get Set- Go." Each time he said it was as if the lies that the enemy had been bathing all over me as I stand on the cliff face waiting and yet fully trusting the orchestrations and timing of God that Holy Spirit was revitalizing and injecting hope… grace… peace…. trust… and His unending, fierce, wonderful love within my spirit and shaking off the dust.

So, here I stand… on the cliff face… ready to jump.. but fully, wholeheartedly, trusting the lead of my God.

my soul feels alive… and it feels incredible!

Within the past two to three weeks, my heart and soul have never felt more alive.

I went through a 2-3 month spread where despite being in the middle of a dream come to life through this amazing and incredible job, I felt not fully like me. I was enjoying my job to a great level, but not the me on the outside of my job. If anyone had asked, I would have said I was not okay. Four people did… I was not okay.

Now on the other side, I'm grasping what I learned:   >>>--------->

Sometimes it's okay to not be okay.

God is a God of process and He works in and through process.

Sometimes it just takes making changes, stepping out, and choosing action.

Sometimes, it is about standing in the tension and allowing the tension to cultivate in you more than you could ever know.


Last week was pretty amazing. My new church I have been jumping into is in a fast. This past Sunday, we were challenged to share with someone around us a celebration and a struggle we came across. I share the celebration which was the incredible amount of dreaming I did--- night after night--- Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night… Deep. Prophetic. Inspirational. Hope filled. Really deep. So much so, on Thursday night I woke up at 1:30AM and went back to sleep until I woke up again at 3:30AM… I didn't want to dream again just yet… so I got up and went to the gym and enjoyed a longer morning before getting ready to go to work.

One of my favorite began with me flying as a pilot weaving in and out of other planes and then arriving at a "vacation destination" where, after walking into this majestically gorgeous home filled with a large group of people, I knew, I was in The Christmas Carol but with the men I have loved.  Hilarious and yet so deep.

I played volleyball tonight and it was awesome. I just love and owe so so much to the sport of volleyball. Since I started playing in high school, I have played many, many, many years… and I'm not so great at it… part of me wishes I was moreso… and I am trying to improve… but, I realized that was my parent's thing to do together- sand volleyball… I remember going to games as a little kid. I began thinking back on the sport of volleyball and I have met 90% of my closest, most dearest people in my life through the sport of volleyball throughout the years… indoor and sand… I think I'll be playing volleyball in heaven!!!!

Concept that I see everywhere--- songs, movies, conversations, work, with friends---- PROCESS ** and the beauty of process.