Home was lovely....refreshing.... so much love and lots of hugs. It was incredible being with my family, but now, I just feel so out and about and the real me was left in Cincinnati. Why is it that it's so hard to be me here.... weird.
Well maybe if there is less of me...than there is more of Him.... i just feel so alone all over again... from my first moments out of the airport, my first contact was being looked over as someone else was noticed. I don't need to be the center of attention, but I miss community. Quality community.
"to everything there is a season and a purpose for every activity under heaven." - ecclesiastes
I believe it... it doesn't make it easy though. I have hope for 2012. Somehow lately through a few conversations, I am holding onto my dreams for life and this next year. Despite how I feel.. despite emotions...real as they may feel or i may think they may be...i'm holding onto Jesus, with every part of who I am!!!!!!
Hello 2012... *smile*
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
*smile*
oh dear husband, I long for you...to spend life with you...but i will keep on waiting... because seriously, you are worth the wait!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Toooo-Ues- DAY.... *smile*
one of those days when I feel like me...and i love being me. so so refreshing!!!
**"You never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave.. and you never promised that this life wasn't hard, but You promised that You'd take care of me."****
**"and i'll trust You God with where I am and believe that You're going to have your way."**
So many questions, so many uncertainties...and yet I trust. I don't know and yet I trust Him with all of my heart. In this season, I've had Jesus. That's it... it's been a season of friendships withheld and yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thursday, i'll have been in Kansas City for four months and I can't think of four months (not in an internship) where I have been more stretched, challenged, and feel like a different person after. I feel like a different girl...yes, I still am a human who is fighting for her relationship with Jesus, I crave my future husband to run after and seek me out and pursue me, and I struggle to fight for not wasting my time, and i fall short in so many areas of my life where I want to thrive, but I'm doing it with Jesus... my relationship with Him has matured... and His love is sweet to my taste...His love satisfies more than I can express. And that, it makes the crazy Missouri season of life, these insane drivers, lack of country-ness, human loneliness, no hugs season all worth it. (i did get a side hug on Saturday...love those!! *smile* )
i really do like my job and the people I work with...they really are an amazing group of people and my heart is so for them... amazing dreams within their hearts, they are all so full of greatness! love it!
see...there are these random moments of Kansas City where the choosing to enjoy becomes actually enjoying it *smile*
ps: apparently Kansas City is nicknamed the "City of Fountains." Interesting KC fact, eh? *smile*
**"You never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave.. and you never promised that this life wasn't hard, but You promised that You'd take care of me."****
**"and i'll trust You God with where I am and believe that You're going to have your way."**
So many questions, so many uncertainties...and yet I trust. I don't know and yet I trust Him with all of my heart. In this season, I've had Jesus. That's it... it's been a season of friendships withheld and yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thursday, i'll have been in Kansas City for four months and I can't think of four months (not in an internship) where I have been more stretched, challenged, and feel like a different person after. I feel like a different girl...yes, I still am a human who is fighting for her relationship with Jesus, I crave my future husband to run after and seek me out and pursue me, and I struggle to fight for not wasting my time, and i fall short in so many areas of my life where I want to thrive, but I'm doing it with Jesus... my relationship with Him has matured... and His love is sweet to my taste...His love satisfies more than I can express. And that, it makes the crazy Missouri season of life, these insane drivers, lack of country-ness, human loneliness, no hugs season all worth it. (i did get a side hug on Saturday...love those!! *smile* )
i really do like my job and the people I work with...they really are an amazing group of people and my heart is so for them... amazing dreams within their hearts, they are all so full of greatness! love it!
see...there are these random moments of Kansas City where the choosing to enjoy becomes actually enjoying it *smile*
ps: apparently Kansas City is nicknamed the "City of Fountains." Interesting KC fact, eh? *smile*
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
my first catholic mass... *smile*... CONSISTENCY
So, 2 Sunday's ago, I went to my first mass at St. Thomas More: Kansas City... it was quite interesting.. walking into the building, I realized that I had parked on the opposite side of the sanctuary. So, I walked down a hall and got into an elevator where I was smashed in with about 5 other senior citizens. The elevator was super tiny and didn't make any noise moving. It was quite the welcoming adventurous experience.... so, I walked in to the sanctuary past the "holy water" and I observed a few going past using the holy water and doing the Catholic cross body sign. I decided a back pew might be the best. So, I slipped in to the middle. I noticed a very subdued atmosphere as I looked around. People weren't greeting and hugging each other as had always been a familiar scene growing up in church. A couple moved into the pew next to me. They didn't make eye contact although I was ready with a smile. They simply sat, lowered their kneeling bench and then proceeded to kneel. With pensive looks upon their faces, I wondered if they were praying, talking to Jesus about life, removing guilt from sins of the past week, or getting into a mindset of "church." The bulletin that I picked up as I walked in (there were no welcoming people) was huge... including all of the activities, needs, and events, even two and half pages of ad's. There were alter boys and girls... and it made me think and imagine what it could looked like to see my Dad as an altar boy. He's shared with us his altar boy experiences. *smile*
Apparently, I had joined on the second Sunday of advent. Advent just intrigues me...it's this adventurously, expectant waiting... waiting for God, waiting for Jesus to be born... a lovely perspective of Christmas. So, throughout the service, there were many sit-down, stand-up's. I attempted to keep up throughout the passages read and read back. I knew a couple from watching "While You Were Sleeping"- one of my favorite movies. The priest intrigued me. He would speak in this voice while he was reading from the Bible and then once while giving announcements, he had this genuine voice where I could picture him having a very Grandpa nature. I wondered why there was a different tone for each. I did grasp that the Catholic religion has a lot of consistency. This particular Sunday there were a group of about 15 people who were joining the Catholic religion. They even were asked to share what they expected from the Catholic church. It's interesting how when people have children, they want them to grow up in church. There were a few songs to celebrate the second Sunday of advent. I found the "peace be with you" hand-shaking time interesting. This was the only time that people even acknowledged me. They turned and with a smile and warm handshake said "peach be with you." And then again no eye contact. Then communion time came, I had learned in my research of Catholicism to not take communion as a visitor. So, I just observed. I found it quite interesting that everyone used the same cup to take a drink out of and the priest would wipe the cup with the same cloth between each member, except for couples standing next to each other...they would both drink, and then the priest would wipe the cup. About half the row in front of me left after communion.. there were a few more readings and hymns to sing and then we were dismissed. The dismissal was the fastest I have ever seen in my life. I was wondering if there was something going on afterwards. Even in a doorway, two adults ended up squeezing through together because one didn't let the other go first.
Consistency. Consistency is the word that I would place with what I learned about the Catholic denomination. They say the same phrases, the same every week with slight differences. I am learning that there is something that consistency does to your life. Whether that comes in through your time with God, physical exercise, learning something, practicing, investing into friendships. A lot of life can be broken and/or repaired through consistency. However, my heart ached for the people around me to know Jesus. To know His heart of love and how He enjoys them despite their human-ness and that they are loved just as they are. When I moved to allow my row to walk and get communion, I looked up and saw a guy who also didn't go up and take communion. It looked like he was with his family. He looked completely weighed down... whether by guilt, condemnation, or awkwardness... even his posture was limp, shoulders down, and face downward. During the first part of communion, I went into intercession over him- that he would encounter the love of Jesus in a deeper way. However, consistency... behold the power and consistency. As long as the heart is still soft.
That evening I got into conversation with one of my tables I was serving, we ended up talking about God, TOMS, Missouri craziness and churches in Kansas City. The table was two personable, business men waiting on the rest of their party. When I told them about going to my first mass, they asked me what I thought. One gentlemen shared that growing up Catholic, the consistency was equal to boring for him. He seemed like a man who loved God and his family, but didn't like the religious aspects.
It was definitely an experience and I'm so glad that I went to know.
ps: ONE WEEK and I get to go home for Christmas... *smile*
"I'll be home for Christmas."
Apparently, I had joined on the second Sunday of advent. Advent just intrigues me...it's this adventurously, expectant waiting... waiting for God, waiting for Jesus to be born... a lovely perspective of Christmas. So, throughout the service, there were many sit-down, stand-up's. I attempted to keep up throughout the passages read and read back. I knew a couple from watching "While You Were Sleeping"- one of my favorite movies. The priest intrigued me. He would speak in this voice while he was reading from the Bible and then once while giving announcements, he had this genuine voice where I could picture him having a very Grandpa nature. I wondered why there was a different tone for each. I did grasp that the Catholic religion has a lot of consistency. This particular Sunday there were a group of about 15 people who were joining the Catholic religion. They even were asked to share what they expected from the Catholic church. It's interesting how when people have children, they want them to grow up in church. There were a few songs to celebrate the second Sunday of advent. I found the "peace be with you" hand-shaking time interesting. This was the only time that people even acknowledged me. They turned and with a smile and warm handshake said "peach be with you." And then again no eye contact. Then communion time came, I had learned in my research of Catholicism to not take communion as a visitor. So, I just observed. I found it quite interesting that everyone used the same cup to take a drink out of and the priest would wipe the cup with the same cloth between each member, except for couples standing next to each other...they would both drink, and then the priest would wipe the cup. About half the row in front of me left after communion.. there were a few more readings and hymns to sing and then we were dismissed. The dismissal was the fastest I have ever seen in my life. I was wondering if there was something going on afterwards. Even in a doorway, two adults ended up squeezing through together because one didn't let the other go first.
Consistency. Consistency is the word that I would place with what I learned about the Catholic denomination. They say the same phrases, the same every week with slight differences. I am learning that there is something that consistency does to your life. Whether that comes in through your time with God, physical exercise, learning something, practicing, investing into friendships. A lot of life can be broken and/or repaired through consistency. However, my heart ached for the people around me to know Jesus. To know His heart of love and how He enjoys them despite their human-ness and that they are loved just as they are. When I moved to allow my row to walk and get communion, I looked up and saw a guy who also didn't go up and take communion. It looked like he was with his family. He looked completely weighed down... whether by guilt, condemnation, or awkwardness... even his posture was limp, shoulders down, and face downward. During the first part of communion, I went into intercession over him- that he would encounter the love of Jesus in a deeper way. However, consistency... behold the power and consistency. As long as the heart is still soft.
That evening I got into conversation with one of my tables I was serving, we ended up talking about God, TOMS, Missouri craziness and churches in Kansas City. The table was two personable, business men waiting on the rest of their party. When I told them about going to my first mass, they asked me what I thought. One gentlemen shared that growing up Catholic, the consistency was equal to boring for him. He seemed like a man who loved God and his family, but didn't like the religious aspects.
It was definitely an experience and I'm so glad that I went to know.
ps: ONE WEEK and I get to go home for Christmas... *smile*
"I'll be home for Christmas."
Monday, December 12, 2011
monday...monday...monday...
monday's are so strange not working the morning/lunch shift... i awoke after having a few strange dreams... had some breakfast, washed my bed linens, and i have just finished some random leaf raking... and my thoughts were alive.
i've noticed a trend here in kansas city...and i don't know if i just never realized this because this community is tremendously different than any other community that i have been a part of. i will not go into details of good or bad different. i'm just going to stick with different.
people don't trust people very well. kids do, which i love. serving a family at brio, i'll have a table where the kids start telling me their life story as their parents are trying to quiet them. i love the honesty of kids. perhaps it is because i feel the same way. i trust people easily. even multiple times after going through a situation that might have caused a callous. somehow, i continue to trust people. i've always been aware of this difference, but it seems illuminated in situations. i've actually had people tell me in a situation that they don't trust me. i've had people tell me a cryptic story that questions me to wonder why. why are they even speaking cryptically. is it because i've been as genuine as possible and now they feel like they have to. i'd rather have nothing than cryptic, just to be nice ness.. yuck...
there have been moments however with other people where there have been shared moments of honesty and it's been beautiful. to see how a girl who was outright mean to me when i first moved here turn and share honest moments asking for me to be praying with her. it's beautiful.
my heart feels funny now. i was talking with my best friend on the phone last night, it was a conversation of beautiful honesty, vulnerability, and trusting each other. she was sharing moments how you can now understand a mindset, feeling that in the past would have been abstract. my newest one has been. i understand how people walk away from God- not because of God, hating him, but because of His people. my experience with christians has not always been pleasant...this verse sums it up perfectly...
"the watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls." song of songs 5.7
it's been a battle to keep my heart soft...to keep my "cold heart before the blazing fire of Jesus"(Mike Bickle).. bitterness is trying so hard to attach itself to my heart, but no...that is not okay with me. I refuse to allow the chains of others to chain me, to callous me, to beat me down.
hi. my name is amy schulz and i trust people easily. i will continue to love those around me without fear. i will continue to walk in wisdom when people i trust break that trust. i will continue to stand without offense. i will continue to walk in joy despite this crazy world. i choose Jesus and His love and will not submit to the patterns of this world. i choose to fight for my relationship with Jesus that He will be able to flow through me. amen.
if this is ranting, i am sorry... i just want to be genuine and share the good with the rough parts of the adventure... because trailblazing isn't always easy...especially when you are going somewhere without many...and when you choose a path that's hard when you see an easier one. kingdom is worth it. for Jesus to be glorified fully is worth it...
on a fantastic note, EIGHT days until i get to go home for Christmas!!!! It is thrilling and mind blowingly exciting!! i get to go and be with those whom i deeply love, spend time with them, share Jesus' birthday with them (i love birthday's!), and let down my hair and just be me with those who know me best. I don't care what i do, i just want to be with those i love. *smile*
Christmas! Such a beautiful time of year!!! We've had 1 and half snow's... the half was a day of some snowflakes, but nothing substantial at all...
i love Jesus. true story.
on a random note: yesterday, i felt beautiful. You know those days where you look in the mirror and see your beauty. Well, that day for me was yesterday and it was quite lovely and fantastic.... *smile*...
well, i must proceed forward into my day, but i shall do it with the childlikeness that God created with me and choosing to love...regardless *smile*
ps...i'm so ruined for Jesus...*smile*.... true story!!!!
Anthem Lights: Can't Get Over You!!!
i've noticed a trend here in kansas city...and i don't know if i just never realized this because this community is tremendously different than any other community that i have been a part of. i will not go into details of good or bad different. i'm just going to stick with different.
people don't trust people very well. kids do, which i love. serving a family at brio, i'll have a table where the kids start telling me their life story as their parents are trying to quiet them. i love the honesty of kids. perhaps it is because i feel the same way. i trust people easily. even multiple times after going through a situation that might have caused a callous. somehow, i continue to trust people. i've always been aware of this difference, but it seems illuminated in situations. i've actually had people tell me in a situation that they don't trust me. i've had people tell me a cryptic story that questions me to wonder why. why are they even speaking cryptically. is it because i've been as genuine as possible and now they feel like they have to. i'd rather have nothing than cryptic, just to be nice ness.. yuck...
there have been moments however with other people where there have been shared moments of honesty and it's been beautiful. to see how a girl who was outright mean to me when i first moved here turn and share honest moments asking for me to be praying with her. it's beautiful.
my heart feels funny now. i was talking with my best friend on the phone last night, it was a conversation of beautiful honesty, vulnerability, and trusting each other. she was sharing moments how you can now understand a mindset, feeling that in the past would have been abstract. my newest one has been. i understand how people walk away from God- not because of God, hating him, but because of His people. my experience with christians has not always been pleasant...this verse sums it up perfectly...
"the watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls." song of songs 5.7
it's been a battle to keep my heart soft...to keep my "cold heart before the blazing fire of Jesus"(Mike Bickle).. bitterness is trying so hard to attach itself to my heart, but no...that is not okay with me. I refuse to allow the chains of others to chain me, to callous me, to beat me down.
hi. my name is amy schulz and i trust people easily. i will continue to love those around me without fear. i will continue to walk in wisdom when people i trust break that trust. i will continue to stand without offense. i will continue to walk in joy despite this crazy world. i choose Jesus and His love and will not submit to the patterns of this world. i choose to fight for my relationship with Jesus that He will be able to flow through me. amen.
if this is ranting, i am sorry... i just want to be genuine and share the good with the rough parts of the adventure... because trailblazing isn't always easy...especially when you are going somewhere without many...and when you choose a path that's hard when you see an easier one. kingdom is worth it. for Jesus to be glorified fully is worth it...
on a fantastic note, EIGHT days until i get to go home for Christmas!!!! It is thrilling and mind blowingly exciting!! i get to go and be with those whom i deeply love, spend time with them, share Jesus' birthday with them (i love birthday's!), and let down my hair and just be me with those who know me best. I don't care what i do, i just want to be with those i love. *smile*
Christmas! Such a beautiful time of year!!! We've had 1 and half snow's... the half was a day of some snowflakes, but nothing substantial at all...
i love Jesus. true story.
on a random note: yesterday, i felt beautiful. You know those days where you look in the mirror and see your beauty. Well, that day for me was yesterday and it was quite lovely and fantastic.... *smile*...
well, i must proceed forward into my day, but i shall do it with the childlikeness that God created with me and choosing to love...regardless *smile*
ps...i'm so ruined for Jesus...*smile*.... true story!!!!
Anthem Lights: Can't Get Over You!!!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
a beautiful exchange
*smile*
love this... I can't keep my life and what I want... I'm not made for this world...this world cannot satisfy these desires within me... and He comes and chases me and pursues me...
"When only love could make a way, you gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains, You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange"... *smile*
love this... I can't keep my life and what I want... I'm not made for this world...this world cannot satisfy these desires within me... and He comes and chases me and pursues me...
"When only love could make a way, you gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains, You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange"... *smile*
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Choosing to enjoy Kansas City....and my first church denomination adventure...
I once served a table who this particular couple was from England and after talking about me just moving to Kansas City, they informed me that they think that Kansas City is America's best kept secret. I have yet to hold that opinion... however, with my mindset in a determination to enjoy this season.. I have actually found a couple things that I really and truly enjoy about Kansas City....
#1: The speed of Missouri trains.... it's amazing!!! "Unstoppable" speed!!!
#1: The speed of Missouri trains.... it's amazing!!! "Unstoppable" speed!!!
#2: The Plaza lit up in Christmas lights!!
* i work on the plaza.... and last night I started my shift at 4 (when it was still light outside)... and in Friday night funness...we stayed pretty busy and my section was in the back of the restaurant away from any windows... towards the end of the night, I went up to the host stand to see if we were to cut to the closing servers... and I looked out the window and the sight was breathtaking... The lighting of the Plaza was Thanksgiving evening which I heard so many incredible things about, but I chose to enjoy the night with my roommates instead...) All of the building covered in colored, gold, and white Christmas lights... gorgeous!! It was like one of those Christmas towns that people use to decorate their homes brought to life... it was beautiful!!!
****
That is my list thus far.. however, perspective really does make all the difference *smile*...
twenty-four days until I get to go home for Christmas!!! I am excited beyond words!!! I miss my family and all of my quality friends!!! I can't wait to just be with them, love on them, hug them, and share all of my family's quirkily incredible traditions!!! *smile*... these traditions are so quirky, but I love them and look forward to sharing them with my family... well, except for my sister, Ericka, because she is being a goober and staying in Texas instead of coming home for Christmas.
CHURCH adventuring update.... (11.06.2011)
* a few weeks ago, I went to a Methodist church for the first time... " The Church of the Resurrection Methodist Church" ... apparently it is the largest Methodist church in the country. The churches campus was huge! However, I did find a parking space relatively simply... walking inside, I was taken in with the excellence put into the atrium area. A book table, coffee shop, children's wing complete with what seemed like an incredible security sign in area, brochure/pamphlet happy plastic tower... walking into service, there were lovely people welcoming everyone inside... Everyone seemed quite mellow... I wasn't sure if that was due to the early morning hours, even though it was about 930 in the morning. Once the worship part of the service started, I realized it was part of the Methodist culture. It was quite heartfelt, but no-one moved and stood in place rather still and serene-like. I knew 2 out of the 4 songs that were done and it was led with an acoustic guitar, piano, and a few singers. The Rev. Adam Hamilton then greeted us dressed in a full robe. He began to share about the missions adventures that the church was involved with including Haiti which generated crazy excitement within my heart... and then shared and presented a video about what the church is doing to empower other Methodist churches around the county. Hearing that was so refreshing to my spirit....seeing the beauty of unifying as the body of Christ instead of competing. Books were passed down each row of seats where each person was asked to fill our their names and information. One side of the book was for members and the other side for first time guests. Rev. Adam Hamilton informed that once the books went down the row, to send it back down once again so that everyone could see who was sitting in their row with them. So, the sermon was the last week of their financial peace series "The Secret of Happiness"... The main points encompassed: 4 things that bring happiness...
#1: Relationships (quality of their relationships)
#2: Gratitude (regularly counting their blessings)
#3: Acts of Kindness
...he gave an interesting inspirational thought: 90% is how you respond to your life, only 10% plays a part in your happiness based on your current situation
#4: Generosity
"You make a living by what you get, you make a life out of what you give."
-Winston Churchill
One thing I thoroughly enjoyed about the sermon was that he talked about my tattoo: hessed!!!! Love it!!! Inside of the bulletin was a foldout called a "GPS: GROW. PRAY. STUDY. It is equipped with a deeper study of the text that the sermon touched on... each day has a passage to read, thought provoking questions, and one day (Saturday) even contains a family activity. In the GPS is a prayer journal: a scripted prayer to be prayed all week and on the flip side of the bookmark like addition is my favorite part of the GPS: "Lifting Up Our Church Family in Prayer" are names of people that need "prayers for health and healing... church family undergoing long-term medical treatment...prayers for comfort... and prayers for the military" ...love it!!
It quite interesting how I came in and left and not one person said hello or greeted me... I understand the why. Just interesting. I don't see myself becoming a Methodist, however, one key element that I found truly inspirational about the Methodist denomination is their intentionality (methodical elements) of going after God. Combined with a passion for God and seeing the heart of God for intimate relationship could be incredibly nuclearly powerful!!!
Well, I've decided that this Sunday I am going to go to a Catholic church. The majority of my extended family home in Cleveland are from the Catholic denominations, so, I have been to quite a few Catholic weddings and funerals. My parents were both from Catholic backgrounds... my Dad even shares about being an altar boy, and my Mom shares about how she would come in and grab a program and skip mass *smile*... but, I actually have never been to a mass. I do know some of the responsive prayers.. I learned that I knew this at an Aunt's wedding when I knew how to respond because of one of my favorite movies: "While You Were Sleeping"... so, this weekend, I am going to attend St. Thomas Moore's Catholic mass. *smile*
Thursday, November 24, 2011
.........
"sometimes I don't feel like singing to God. But I know that my circumstance in this season doesn't change that God is still God or what God has called me to be or called me to do. He still reigns and is on the throne."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPiKxuwitCU&feature=related
wow... that's me... I haven't experienced that level of deep pain and yet, choosing to get up and take each day and go after God..even when I don't feel it.
Today I woke up dizzy and weak... and after a day of blah and allowing my body to rest and heal... I'm not feeling a lot of feelings and the emotions with God, but standing in that place of "I know this is who You are."
And that... I see throughout the craziness of this season, that God has huge purpose for me "for such a time as this." .. in all of the emotions, circumstances...
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look forward in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."
I love it.. how He does that! But I have to keep choosing...no matter what. Because He truly is worth it all.... Jesus, God, Holy Spirit... in these first few minutes of Thanksgiving, I choose to stop and thank you for who You are and Your crazy love for me. You are God...in all of Your gloriousness, Your truth, Your beauty, Your power, Your faithfulness and Your love... *smile*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPiKxuwitCU&feature=related
wow... that's me... I haven't experienced that level of deep pain and yet, choosing to get up and take each day and go after God..even when I don't feel it.
Today I woke up dizzy and weak... and after a day of blah and allowing my body to rest and heal... I'm not feeling a lot of feelings and the emotions with God, but standing in that place of "I know this is who You are."
And that... I see throughout the craziness of this season, that God has huge purpose for me "for such a time as this." .. in all of the emotions, circumstances...
"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look forward in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace."
I love it.. how He does that! But I have to keep choosing...no matter what. Because He truly is worth it all.... Jesus, God, Holy Spirit... in these first few minutes of Thanksgiving, I choose to stop and thank you for who You are and Your crazy love for me. You are God...in all of Your gloriousness, Your truth, Your beauty, Your power, Your faithfulness and Your love... *smile*
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Oh...the beauty of the unknown...
Keeping Me Guessing
Coffee cup waking me upI’ve got to board a plane
And fly away sometimes
I feel like I’m going the speed of light
Can’t relax I’m moving too fast
I want to find the gold but I don’t have a map
I wish that I could know what you’ve got in store for me
I try and try
To read your mind
‘Cause I forget that patience is a virtue
You’re teaching me to hold on tight
‘Cause I don’t know how the story ends
But I’ll be alright ‘cause You wrote it
I don’t know where the highway bends
But I’m doing just fine
‘Cause You’re in control
Even when I don’t know
Where my life’s gonna go
You’re keeping me guessing
So slow me down
Show me around
I want to see the world
That I’ve been without
I am here and now
The future is out of my hands
I’m trusting you
And how you move
I won’t forget that patience is a virtue
You’re teaching me to hold on tight
********************
You know those moments when you hear a song and you feel like you're living it out... for real. Well, I heard this one here in Tennessee (I'm here visiting and enjoying my KY "adopted" family- the D'Alecy's... and I was scanning through their Itunes and found this one and I swept away... love it!!!!
ps- I LOVE the D'Alecy family...they are and have been such a huge blessing... just being with them..laughing, deep conversation, random conversation, adventuring... it's one of those moments where you stop and sit in the moment of "seriously, how lucky am i?" ... it's so so great!!! And the gorgeousness of Tennessee... *smile*... amazingness!!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
November in Missouri/Kansas...
random KC fact... i think I like Kansas better than Missouri. I think that there is this country element there that reminds me of my dear Kentucky.
*So, I feel the lyrics of this song echo forth some of what God might have had up His sleeve bringing me here... this crazy Kansas City adventure...
"I Will Waste My Life" by: Misty Edwards
.....................................................................
I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet
I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other
I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus
I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on yes I'll press on
................................................................
It's hard...some days are harder than others. And yet, when Jesus whispers in my heart that all He wants is to be with me, it makes the difficulty and loneliness worth it. Truly.
Confession: today, I felt Jesus wanted me to step out and do something... a hard something, and I did not want to do it...it's been quite a while since I felt this strongly for not doing something. I didn't do it. He's given me another chance to do what He is asking. I know that He knows better than I do... but oh goodness, I really don't want to do it.
FEAR...why does fear seem to seep into our lives so easily. And when fear does seep in, it grows, festers, and gets worse. "Perfect love casts out all fear" ... "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God..is with you" ... "Fear Not" ... "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind"... i know the truths of fear and yet i so easily allow it within my heart and life. Disgusting.
So... I have intentions... the follow through...this, this is what I'm fighting for. Like, a six pack by Christmas. A girly six pack (and yes, I mean ab's) *smile*... I have wanted it since I was 15. So, here I go. I'm going to do it...it's not going to be easy. This I know, but I have to fight, I want to fight for it. Also, a deeper, rooted, intimate depth in my relationship with Jesus. I want this loneliness, this season of not really having community around me to thrust me into the arms of my God. Not just a scheduled amount of time... but to run to him, to listen, to want to just be with Jesus. Not being I have to, or need to, but sheerly because I need to and there's no where else I would rather be.
I do wonder why in the world I chose Kansas City for this adventure. And yet, I see, I see glimpses that being here may not be about Kansas City as much as my heart's response and my heart relationship with my Jesus.
Another thing... I was talking with my Mom and came up with an idea to church hop. And not just to find a church I like and want to be apart of. But intentionally going to different churches and denominations. Ummm...okay I went to spell denominations and it came out demoninations.... maybe it was just my funky typing ability or maybe it's a Holy Spirit wake up call to allow small differences to divide us. To divide the Bride of Christ based on different perspectives. One of my best friends has one of the best visuals to explain perspective. The water bottle illustration- I may be seeing the nutrition facts and ingredients and you may be seeing the logo... we're looking at the same bottle, with just different perspective. So, this is the idea: to go to different churches each week with the intention to learn about what that denomination believes. To go prepared and studied up, and then to come back and blog or digest it. It's like Bible School lived out loud *smile*.... Interesting, eh? Hmm... i guess we'll see *smile*... I really, really like this idea... it could have massive purpose to it!
"i don't care what they say, I'm in love with you"
Jesus, everything makes sense when I'm with you. I trust you to light the path... to lead.. to guide. I'm clinging to you! Because I want to.
*So, I feel the lyrics of this song echo forth some of what God might have had up His sleeve bringing me here... this crazy Kansas City adventure...
"I Will Waste My Life" by: Misty Edwards
.....................................................................
I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet
I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other
I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus
I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other love and
I'll press on yes I'll press on
................................................................
It's hard...some days are harder than others. And yet, when Jesus whispers in my heart that all He wants is to be with me, it makes the difficulty and loneliness worth it. Truly.
Confession: today, I felt Jesus wanted me to step out and do something... a hard something, and I did not want to do it...it's been quite a while since I felt this strongly for not doing something. I didn't do it. He's given me another chance to do what He is asking. I know that He knows better than I do... but oh goodness, I really don't want to do it.
FEAR...why does fear seem to seep into our lives so easily. And when fear does seep in, it grows, festers, and gets worse. "Perfect love casts out all fear" ... "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God..is with you" ... "Fear Not" ... "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind"... i know the truths of fear and yet i so easily allow it within my heart and life. Disgusting.
So... I have intentions... the follow through...this, this is what I'm fighting for. Like, a six pack by Christmas. A girly six pack (and yes, I mean ab's) *smile*... I have wanted it since I was 15. So, here I go. I'm going to do it...it's not going to be easy. This I know, but I have to fight, I want to fight for it. Also, a deeper, rooted, intimate depth in my relationship with Jesus. I want this loneliness, this season of not really having community around me to thrust me into the arms of my God. Not just a scheduled amount of time... but to run to him, to listen, to want to just be with Jesus. Not being I have to, or need to, but sheerly because I need to and there's no where else I would rather be.
I do wonder why in the world I chose Kansas City for this adventure. And yet, I see, I see glimpses that being here may not be about Kansas City as much as my heart's response and my heart relationship with my Jesus.
Another thing... I was talking with my Mom and came up with an idea to church hop. And not just to find a church I like and want to be apart of. But intentionally going to different churches and denominations. Ummm...okay I went to spell denominations and it came out demoninations.... maybe it was just my funky typing ability or maybe it's a Holy Spirit wake up call to allow small differences to divide us. To divide the Bride of Christ based on different perspectives. One of my best friends has one of the best visuals to explain perspective. The water bottle illustration- I may be seeing the nutrition facts and ingredients and you may be seeing the logo... we're looking at the same bottle, with just different perspective. So, this is the idea: to go to different churches each week with the intention to learn about what that denomination believes. To go prepared and studied up, and then to come back and blog or digest it. It's like Bible School lived out loud *smile*.... Interesting, eh? Hmm... i guess we'll see *smile*... I really, really like this idea... it could have massive purpose to it!
"i don't care what they say, I'm in love with you"
Jesus, everything makes sense when I'm with you. I trust you to light the path... to lead.. to guide. I'm clinging to you! Because I want to.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
movements of my heart this lovely Wednesday....
**the whispers and explosiveness of Holy Spirit***
One Kansas City adventure after another...I await the fate of my Eowyn.... she is in the ICU unit at O'Neill Honda here in Overland Park, Kansas. My roommate, Yamile, was wonderful and dropped me off here (Homer's Coffee Shop) early this morning before she headed to work. As I wait her fate, my heart is alive and a bit emotional *smile*...
Writing a letter to a beloved friend.... I began to cry at the mere reality of everything that God has done within my heart and life through her. There are bondages and chains that I have been battling since I was little...and now, I am beginning to see a whole new perspective and reality because she had courage. Because she refused to allow what she has battled to be cute and fluffy and instead, opened her life and her heart to me and now, I will never be the same. I hope and pray from the depths of me that through God in me and His reality that that can be a reality that I pass on to girls and the people that God surrounds in my life. So, blogging world, I would like to sending a standing ovation and openly thank God for orchestrating my life to intersect with Erica Zauflik. Thank you, Jesus. You knew...you knew I needed her.
Okay, a friend from a few churches back has a fb that has been challenging my heart. He voices in poetry everything that I have craved in relationship with Jesus, in life... it's so cool. He's a brother in Christ and yet I feel reading his poetry that we're family. My heart burns everytime I read his poetry. I've never been so stirred by poetry.... except for Bradley Hathaway...and my friend from way back when...Ryan Joseph Gunnarson. I'm so... so grateful for the body of Christ. I've shared about one of my sisters and brothers in Christ... but i have so many other brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, grandfathers and grandmothers in Christ that I am so ridiculously grateful for as well!!! Thank you, Jesus. You knew that I needed them. But then again, more so than them, I need you!!! You truly are my EVERYTHING! True story.
I wonder.... New car...replaced battery.... hmmm.... oh the beauty and adventure of the unknown *smile*
One Kansas City adventure after another...I await the fate of my Eowyn.... she is in the ICU unit at O'Neill Honda here in Overland Park, Kansas. My roommate, Yamile, was wonderful and dropped me off here (Homer's Coffee Shop) early this morning before she headed to work. As I wait her fate, my heart is alive and a bit emotional *smile*...
Writing a letter to a beloved friend.... I began to cry at the mere reality of everything that God has done within my heart and life through her. There are bondages and chains that I have been battling since I was little...and now, I am beginning to see a whole new perspective and reality because she had courage. Because she refused to allow what she has battled to be cute and fluffy and instead, opened her life and her heart to me and now, I will never be the same. I hope and pray from the depths of me that through God in me and His reality that that can be a reality that I pass on to girls and the people that God surrounds in my life. So, blogging world, I would like to sending a standing ovation and openly thank God for orchestrating my life to intersect with Erica Zauflik. Thank you, Jesus. You knew...you knew I needed her.
Okay, a friend from a few churches back has a fb that has been challenging my heart. He voices in poetry everything that I have craved in relationship with Jesus, in life... it's so cool. He's a brother in Christ and yet I feel reading his poetry that we're family. My heart burns everytime I read his poetry. I've never been so stirred by poetry.... except for Bradley Hathaway...and my friend from way back when...Ryan Joseph Gunnarson. I'm so... so grateful for the body of Christ. I've shared about one of my sisters and brothers in Christ... but i have so many other brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, grandfathers and grandmothers in Christ that I am so ridiculously grateful for as well!!! Thank you, Jesus. You knew that I needed them. But then again, more so than them, I need you!!! You truly are my EVERYTHING! True story.
I wonder.... New car...replaced battery.... hmmm.... oh the beauty and adventure of the unknown *smile*
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
STRONG CHALLENGE.... first card!!! day one (for me :) )....
So, a church in Cincinnati.... an INCREDIBLE, POWERFUL, SHAKING THE WORLD church called CROSSROADS (www.crossroads.net) is doing an all-church journey with a bunch of churches in the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky area... and I found everything to join in online...so, I'm going to do it... so, i just did day one: I chose a card about writing down the top 10 things you are grateful for and then saying a short one(ish *smile*) line pray of thankfulness about each...
Ten things I am grateful for....
#1: Jesus being playful with me and His whispers within my heart that grasp me in such a powerful way!
*Jesus, thank you for your love and for romancing me with your playfulness and sharing your heart with me in the everyday moments!
#2: For a house to live in, a car to drive, and clothing in my closet
*Jesus, I've been internationally and have seen the lack of bare necessities and I am so blessed to have what I need. Thank you for providing...even when it doesn't look like I would imagine it to look like!
#3: My family
* I am blessed with an amazing Dad who loves me and cares for me, a Momfriend who I can share my heart and life and has incredible wisdom and an Ericka who knows me better than anyone and with whom I can be me, and a Tiffany with whom I can be goofy and laugh with and also ask deep questions with...she's not afraid to get into the messy bits of life and come out a bit messy! Thank you for giving me an incredible family!
#4: QUALITY friendships!
*I am blessed with a group of amazing, quality, genuine, and loving friendships with guys and girls more than I can fully comprehend. I am so thankful for them! They have saved me life and added so much that could not have been possible without them!
#5: A healthy body!
*Having worked at a hospital, I do not take this lightly and am so grateful that my physical body is strong, and a fighter! Thank you for your protection over my physical body, Jesus!
#6: 2 AWESOME jobs!
*I have two jobs in which I love both of them and have an amazing source of income in them! In a low economy I have been blessed with two jobs in which I love and am super grateful for!!!
#7: The ability to read!
* I am grateful to be able to read and input information. I have such a craving for knowledge... and being able to learn, and read books and dive into stories is such a huge privilege and joy!
#8: Kansas City!
*This has been one of the most challenging, grating, rough, painful, and least desirable adventure...and yet I have already learned more than I can fully comprehend and am so incredibly grateful to be able to be here and away from my comfortableness and embrace my honeymoon with Jesus!
#9: Haiti!
*Going to Haiti in May was one of the most incredible trips that I have taken and one that has been engrained upon my heart. One that I will not soon forget and one where every mention of Haiti stirs my heart a little. I am grateful for this trip reminding me to get outside of myself...which to do anything for them at any point would not be a sacrifice, it would be a joy!
#10: My future husband!
*By faith, I know that I know that I know that there is a man of God with whom God is and has already been orchestrating our love story. By faith, I am grateful for him... by faith I love him and by faith I am grateful that he will find me and that I'll get to spend the rest of my life and enjoy each adventure with him!
......... this has been one amazing, lovely, rainy Monday. I liked today. *smile*
ps: and I get to end the day with a lovely QUALITY conversation with one of my bestest friends, Cazi LaRee...and that was wonderful!
Ten things I am grateful for....
#1: Jesus being playful with me and His whispers within my heart that grasp me in such a powerful way!
*Jesus, thank you for your love and for romancing me with your playfulness and sharing your heart with me in the everyday moments!
#2: For a house to live in, a car to drive, and clothing in my closet
*Jesus, I've been internationally and have seen the lack of bare necessities and I am so blessed to have what I need. Thank you for providing...even when it doesn't look like I would imagine it to look like!
#3: My family
* I am blessed with an amazing Dad who loves me and cares for me, a Momfriend who I can share my heart and life and has incredible wisdom and an Ericka who knows me better than anyone and with whom I can be me, and a Tiffany with whom I can be goofy and laugh with and also ask deep questions with...she's not afraid to get into the messy bits of life and come out a bit messy! Thank you for giving me an incredible family!
#4: QUALITY friendships!
*I am blessed with a group of amazing, quality, genuine, and loving friendships with guys and girls more than I can fully comprehend. I am so thankful for them! They have saved me life and added so much that could not have been possible without them!
#5: A healthy body!
*Having worked at a hospital, I do not take this lightly and am so grateful that my physical body is strong, and a fighter! Thank you for your protection over my physical body, Jesus!
#6: 2 AWESOME jobs!
*I have two jobs in which I love both of them and have an amazing source of income in them! In a low economy I have been blessed with two jobs in which I love and am super grateful for!!!
#7: The ability to read!
* I am grateful to be able to read and input information. I have such a craving for knowledge... and being able to learn, and read books and dive into stories is such a huge privilege and joy!
#8: Kansas City!
*This has been one of the most challenging, grating, rough, painful, and least desirable adventure...and yet I have already learned more than I can fully comprehend and am so incredibly grateful to be able to be here and away from my comfortableness and embrace my honeymoon with Jesus!
#9: Haiti!
*Going to Haiti in May was one of the most incredible trips that I have taken and one that has been engrained upon my heart. One that I will not soon forget and one where every mention of Haiti stirs my heart a little. I am grateful for this trip reminding me to get outside of myself...which to do anything for them at any point would not be a sacrifice, it would be a joy!
#10: My future husband!
*By faith, I know that I know that I know that there is a man of God with whom God is and has already been orchestrating our love story. By faith, I am grateful for him... by faith I love him and by faith I am grateful that he will find me and that I'll get to spend the rest of my life and enjoy each adventure with him!
......... this has been one amazing, lovely, rainy Monday. I liked today. *smile*
ps: and I get to end the day with a lovely QUALITY conversation with one of my bestest friends, Cazi LaRee...and that was wonderful!
Friday, October 7, 2011
The motions of my heart in song lyrics....
"Have Your Way" by: Britt Nicole
Feels like I've been here forever
Why can't You just intervene?
Do You see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams
But You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me
So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way
When my friends and my family have left me
And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me You take the broken things
And turn them into beautiful
So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way
Even if my dreams have died
And even if I don't survive
I'll still worship You with all my life
My life, yeah
And I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way
I know You will, I won't forget
You love me, have Your way
Feels like I've been here forever
Why can't You just intervene?
Do You see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams
But You never said the road would be easy
But You said that You would never leave
And You never promised that this life wasn't hard
But You promised You'd take care of me
So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way
When my friends and my family have left me
And I feel so ashamed and so cold
Remind me You take the broken things
And turn them into beautiful
So I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way
Even if my dreams have died
And even if I don't survive
I'll still worship You with all my life
My life, yeah
And I'll stop searching for the answers
I'll stop praying for an escape
And I'll trust You God with where I am
And believe that You will have Your way
Just have Your way, just have Your way
I know You will, I won't forget
You love me, have Your way
Sunday, October 2, 2011
SUNDAY'S...
Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week... it was like within my week, every other day was leading up to Sunday. When I moved to Kentucky, I had to fight for liking my Sunday, because the hospital I worked at made me work every other Sunday. For years, there was this level of refreshment that Sunday would bring... at church, the power of community and the people I loved, digging deep into the Word, Sunday football with my amazing friends, an occasional Sunday nap, worshipping Jesus in community...it was just lovely and powerful... When I moved to Kentucky, it slowly transitioned... With having to work 3 til 1130 shook up my lovely Sunday... my friends being separated to different destinations... an awkwardness within new friendships randomly... I did love the "meat and potatoes" of the Word that was spoken my TheBridge pastor: Pastor Bo Weaver... I miss that. And I LOVED talking to, listening to, praying with, connecting with the 412youth... I miss that. But, I did miss watching Sunday football... I love watching football, but with others. So, if my future husband likes football, it could be quite fantastic for us to build community by hosting football at our home... however, I'll be the lady watching the game *smile*.... Anyways...where this thought is leading...
In conversation with Jesus, I realized my #1 goal to be here in Kansas City is:
for my heart to be tenderized!
One part I'm realizing is that my perspective of church has been massively adulterated... Through so many stories I will not detail to glorify them... just that I've had MULTIPLE situations that people that should know better have wounded me. I'm not mad at them. Hurt people hurt people. One of the best pieces of advice that my Mom has given me. However, the wounding has caused me heart to be wounded. Most are scars... some open wounds that God is healing. However, I feel like church and being in relationship with Jesus in community has been wounded and adulterated for me. It has been a few weeks since I've visited any churches in Kansas City. This morning, Jesus was challenging my heart that this is a season because I need people. However, my heart is an open wound right now. I don't know if I want to walk right back into it. I've heard the church referred to as a hospital... but here in Kansas City, I don't feel comfortable or trusting enough to walk into any church needing to be a patient. Wow. That is messed up. As a lover of Jesus, I don't feel strong enough to walk into any church with the vulnerability that I feel. That thought and reality is making my heart and stomach become sick. That is the purpose of the body of Christ, and yet, I don't feel comfortable walking into a church here. I miss theBridge. There were only a few, but a few that I felt honest and vulnerable with on both sides. Love those kind of two way honest friendships!
So, this is my challenge to come back to an unadulterated perspective of church and to jump back in. Why do I feel like I need a push, someone to push me off this cliff because I feel paralyzed by fear. I want to have that childlike faith to jump back in, but I'm scared. If you get burned by a hot stove, your brain makes a mental note, to not walk back and touch that stove. In the past, I've walked back to those "hot stove" people and chosen to trust, chosen to jump back in, and yet, that is not my natural lately... and that, that is why I desperately need my heart to be re-tenderized again!
Oh Jesus, would you give me the strength to face the moments where my heart feels tough? Holy Spirit, would you tenderize my heart... because being here is not about me, not about my wants, my desires. I choose you.
In conversation with Jesus, I realized my #1 goal to be here in Kansas City is:
for my heart to be tenderized!
One part I'm realizing is that my perspective of church has been massively adulterated... Through so many stories I will not detail to glorify them... just that I've had MULTIPLE situations that people that should know better have wounded me. I'm not mad at them. Hurt people hurt people. One of the best pieces of advice that my Mom has given me. However, the wounding has caused me heart to be wounded. Most are scars... some open wounds that God is healing. However, I feel like church and being in relationship with Jesus in community has been wounded and adulterated for me. It has been a few weeks since I've visited any churches in Kansas City. This morning, Jesus was challenging my heart that this is a season because I need people. However, my heart is an open wound right now. I don't know if I want to walk right back into it. I've heard the church referred to as a hospital... but here in Kansas City, I don't feel comfortable or trusting enough to walk into any church needing to be a patient. Wow. That is messed up. As a lover of Jesus, I don't feel strong enough to walk into any church with the vulnerability that I feel. That thought and reality is making my heart and stomach become sick. That is the purpose of the body of Christ, and yet, I don't feel comfortable walking into a church here. I miss theBridge. There were only a few, but a few that I felt honest and vulnerable with on both sides. Love those kind of two way honest friendships!
So, this is my challenge to come back to an unadulterated perspective of church and to jump back in. Why do I feel like I need a push, someone to push me off this cliff because I feel paralyzed by fear. I want to have that childlike faith to jump back in, but I'm scared. If you get burned by a hot stove, your brain makes a mental note, to not walk back and touch that stove. In the past, I've walked back to those "hot stove" people and chosen to trust, chosen to jump back in, and yet, that is not my natural lately... and that, that is why I desperately need my heart to be re-tenderized again!
Oh Jesus, would you give me the strength to face the moments where my heart feels tough? Holy Spirit, would you tenderize my heart... because being here is not about me, not about my wants, my desires. I choose you.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
the late hours tarry onwards...
It's late.... in reality, I should be sleeping... I have to wake up soon and head to work... My heart is alive and awake... I question... I wonder... I ache. My heart and mind questions this season- the purposes, the reality, the healing, the wounds... As much as this season has been rough, I see the truth of why God has brought me to Kansas City...out of the comfortable, out of the mostly predictable...into the unknown... a place where I have more questions than answers...a place where I would rather be left in the unknown than know. I'm beginning to fully embrace the adventure of the unknown. For quite awhile I was forcing myself to embrace it, now, I feel like the more I embrace the unknown, for His glory. And I love that.
Like, my heart still aches for Haiti...deeply. I merely walked past a book about Haiti and the earthquake's and my heart ached and skipped a beat.... my heart felt a glimpse of this throughout my African adventures, but not this concentrated amount. I watched a video that one of my dear Haitian friends had on her fbwall and I think I forgot to breathe as I watched this video... the pictures grabbed my heart... their faces, their life... my heart aches... I feel helpless.. I want to do something more...something deeper. Something to reach out and love them more... it can't just be coincidence that my heart aches... there has to be a strategy...
I don't want to sleep... so bad for my body, I know...and yet my heart and mind is racing...
Last night I had one of the most fun dreams... I pulled into a parking lot (not really knowing what city I was in)... I was at a stop sign in a shopping center and two "friends" drove past and acknowledged me, then drove past... same with the next vehicle of three other "friends"... I then pulled up into a spot, got out and a few of my closest, quality friends came toward me. Friends with smiles, hugs... we stood in a circle telling stories, laughing... they asked what I was doing in town and I somehow knew I was dream and said, "Well, I am "dreaming" (i even used air quotes)... and then one of my incredible friends, smiled, and then said, "So what? I'm still going to give you a hug." Within a couple minutes a few other amazing friends came into the circle and with zero awkwardness and with the naturalness of just being friends...we laughed, shared God moments, life stories, and what was going on within our hearts and lives... I woke up with a smile and feeling so unbelievably grateful for my quality friendships. So, so grateful!
I love love this season... this season of knowing that my focus is Jesus. Even though I have desires...I have eyes *smile*... I love seeing how jealous His heart is for me... and how His love surprises me...whether through pulling me into His heart, feeling what His heart feels, through Him giving me a dream that He knows I'll love, a phone call with two incredible people, a beautiful day, peace to sleep in, peace to not sleep (not sure if that is where I am ... wavering between sleeping and pulling an all nighter *giggle* ...
With my age number increasing, I don't "feel" older. I don't really feel twenty-seven years old... however I see different things transitioning... 4-6 hours of sleep no longer is sufficient enough. I really, ideally need 7-8 hours... I can't drink caffeine at night or risk being awake into the late hours of the night (like now *smile*) ... I need to exercise consistently (i feel the differences in my muscles, physically, when I don't) ... I crave quality over quantity more than I ever have...
Have you ever read something and that something won't leave your heart and mind... on fb, one of my friends from a previous church wrote a note all about the true meaning of being satisfied and that nothing can substitute a true, alive, intimate relationship with Jesus... I don't know if was the wording that he used to articulate it, or my heart being alive more than it has been to love of Jesus, but my heart was gripped...
Oh, our IHOP community (i used our!!) is doing a fast starting Wednesday...and I'm not sure of the why, but I am so, so excited!!!! *smile*
random fact: i look up the peace corps tonight... it really does sound interesting... i'm intrigued *smile*...
Well, I must decide sleep or not... the time has come... the decision must be made .... *smile*
Like, my heart still aches for Haiti...deeply. I merely walked past a book about Haiti and the earthquake's and my heart ached and skipped a beat.... my heart felt a glimpse of this throughout my African adventures, but not this concentrated amount. I watched a video that one of my dear Haitian friends had on her fbwall and I think I forgot to breathe as I watched this video... the pictures grabbed my heart... their faces, their life... my heart aches... I feel helpless.. I want to do something more...something deeper. Something to reach out and love them more... it can't just be coincidence that my heart aches... there has to be a strategy...
I don't want to sleep... so bad for my body, I know...and yet my heart and mind is racing...
Last night I had one of the most fun dreams... I pulled into a parking lot (not really knowing what city I was in)... I was at a stop sign in a shopping center and two "friends" drove past and acknowledged me, then drove past... same with the next vehicle of three other "friends"... I then pulled up into a spot, got out and a few of my closest, quality friends came toward me. Friends with smiles, hugs... we stood in a circle telling stories, laughing... they asked what I was doing in town and I somehow knew I was dream and said, "Well, I am "dreaming" (i even used air quotes)... and then one of my incredible friends, smiled, and then said, "So what? I'm still going to give you a hug." Within a couple minutes a few other amazing friends came into the circle and with zero awkwardness and with the naturalness of just being friends...we laughed, shared God moments, life stories, and what was going on within our hearts and lives... I woke up with a smile and feeling so unbelievably grateful for my quality friendships. So, so grateful!
I love love this season... this season of knowing that my focus is Jesus. Even though I have desires...I have eyes *smile*... I love seeing how jealous His heart is for me... and how His love surprises me...whether through pulling me into His heart, feeling what His heart feels, through Him giving me a dream that He knows I'll love, a phone call with two incredible people, a beautiful day, peace to sleep in, peace to not sleep (not sure if that is where I am ... wavering between sleeping and pulling an all nighter *giggle* ...
With my age number increasing, I don't "feel" older. I don't really feel twenty-seven years old... however I see different things transitioning... 4-6 hours of sleep no longer is sufficient enough. I really, ideally need 7-8 hours... I can't drink caffeine at night or risk being awake into the late hours of the night (like now *smile*) ... I need to exercise consistently (i feel the differences in my muscles, physically, when I don't) ... I crave quality over quantity more than I ever have...
Have you ever read something and that something won't leave your heart and mind... on fb, one of my friends from a previous church wrote a note all about the true meaning of being satisfied and that nothing can substitute a true, alive, intimate relationship with Jesus... I don't know if was the wording that he used to articulate it, or my heart being alive more than it has been to love of Jesus, but my heart was gripped...
Oh, our IHOP community (i used our!!) is doing a fast starting Wednesday...and I'm not sure of the why, but I am so, so excited!!!! *smile*
random fact: i look up the peace corps tonight... it really does sound interesting... i'm intrigued *smile*...
Well, I must decide sleep or not... the time has come... the decision must be made .... *smile*
Sunday, September 25, 2011
more Amy randomness....
I have a confession.... I think I'm addicted to the library... last week, I went three times!!! *smile*... On one of my adventures to the library I picked up a book called: " A Collection of Wednesday's: creating a whole from the part"- By Amy Gaither Hayes... At first I picked it up because, honestly it was written by an Amy. Skimming it, I was intrigued by her style of writing... and now, I'm absolutely loving it... Everytime I've picked it up, I've read about 2-3 chapters. In one of the chapters, she was sharing about moments in her life when she felt like she was the most genuine and realest version of herself.... this led me to wonder....when is it when I'm the realest version of me.... this is my list... *smile*
I feel like the realest, freest, and most genuine version of me when I'm...
...doing missions work...loving on the poorest of the poor
...playing soccer
...with my quality and dearest best friends (Ericka, Cazi, Meagan, Alaina, Brandon, Danny, Mindy, Alissa) or with my family
...serving or talking with teenagers
...genuinely loving with and connecting with a child
...worshipping my Jesus wholeheartedly
...spending time and investing in someone with quality time, one on one
...adventuring in the outdoors (hiking, kayaking, biking, camping)
...running
... reading
...working hard and serving people
... encouraging
(((Random fun fact: I sold my promise ring about 4 months ago for $80 because I'm allergic to gold and I can't wear it anymore, and i'm not attached, so, I don't want to pass it down... *giggle* ))))
Well, another week is just about to start and I'm determined to embrace this week wholeheartedly!!!
the IHOP community is doing a fast starting this Wednesday and I'm so excited to see what God brings forth....
learning to embrace Kansas City...despite however long this adventure lasts.... so, my Mom and I were talking this past week and she was asking me to remind her if I felt that God said to go to Kansas City or put the decision in my hands.... I told and I honestly felt like it was a Holy Spirit nudge...with that said, it was kind of a reminder that I don't have to be here forever... it was kind of encouraging, challenging, and left me with a little wonder.... where the adventure could lead forth from here.... *smile*... maybe further west, east coast, Texas with my lovely sister, California, Washington... with God, the possibilities are endless and this KC adventure has given me confidence that He's going to take care of me wherever the journey may lead.... *smile*... well, love to all my dear friends and family from my current adventure home in Kansas City, Missouri!!! *smile*
***Random fun MISSOURI fact: Missouri trains are crazy fast... Kentucky trains are slow and long.. Missouri trains are just as long, but super crazy fast, similar in speed to the train in UNSTOPPABLE (a great movie, I highly recommend!)***
Saturday, September 17, 2011
an evening walk with Gunner...
I went on a run last week-ish with Gunner... Gunner is our house dog. Throughout this run, Gunner proceeded to drag me through almost the entirety of the run... I had the control, but exerting energy to run and control a dog for an extended period of time was tiring...It was hysterical and quite comedic. Today was a different sort of day. Gloomy... cold... and all of the emotions of this move again fell on top of me. I was in my room for a ridiculous amount of time because I turned my heater on and it was the only room in our house that was warm... around dinner time I decided to eat my dinner on the front steps with a book. It actually felt rather nice outside because on top of the cold weather, I found our AC to be on... *brrr*... I decided that an evening walk would probably do me good... and Gunner might enjoy it as well... However, the comedy of being dragged through the streets did not sound appealing, so I embraced the adventure to train Gunner on the art of walking normally. So, I am pulling, pleading, speaking sweet, speaking authoritatively, yanking, looking into his eyes...all in an effort to teach him the art of being walked and not walking... Still awhile out from the house, I was attempting to teach him the art of staying and smelling or releasing himself on the grass next to me instead of a mile ahead of me...
And then like a wave of Holy Spirit in a way that only He can come...He came and began to teach me... began to show me visually- because it is how I learn best... by showing me that I'm like Gunner and He's me... in this analogy... He wants to walk with me in this season, just me and him... and I'm pulling on the leash... but I want to get to know these people.... I want to invest here... or there... and He's like, "Amy, I want you, here. Right next to me." ... and I come next to him, we're walking... it's lovely and then my nose gets distracted by this opportunity or this meeting... or this Bible Study... And then He pulls "my leash" back and then we're in step and it's amazing... Then there are some times, which this has been the hardest... the moments when Gunner would linger behind because he found a scent in the grass he wanted to linger in... Holy Spirit was teaching me about those are the moments when I choose to think on and want to be back in Kentucky. Kentucky was an amazing season...somewhere deep within me, I knew it would end soon... which even led to making a Kentucky adventure coffee cup with one of my best friends, Mindy.... it was hard, painful, and challenging... (this does not change my absolute love for the state of Kentucky)... but some of the most quality friends I could ever comprehend to have in my life are in Kentucky (Cincinnati, but still :) ) ... my family... but that this is the season for "right here" ... next to me... intimacy... for love... for quality time... it was exactly what I needed to hear in this season...
It's hard being here.. but there is purpose for the challenge and that... that makes it all worth it! He...He is worth it. He's chasing after me... pursuing my heart.. solely because He loves me!!!! And that, that's breathtaking!!!!
And then like a wave of Holy Spirit in a way that only He can come...He came and began to teach me... began to show me visually- because it is how I learn best... by showing me that I'm like Gunner and He's me... in this analogy... He wants to walk with me in this season, just me and him... and I'm pulling on the leash... but I want to get to know these people.... I want to invest here... or there... and He's like, "Amy, I want you, here. Right next to me." ... and I come next to him, we're walking... it's lovely and then my nose gets distracted by this opportunity or this meeting... or this Bible Study... And then He pulls "my leash" back and then we're in step and it's amazing... Then there are some times, which this has been the hardest... the moments when Gunner would linger behind because he found a scent in the grass he wanted to linger in... Holy Spirit was teaching me about those are the moments when I choose to think on and want to be back in Kentucky. Kentucky was an amazing season...somewhere deep within me, I knew it would end soon... which even led to making a Kentucky adventure coffee cup with one of my best friends, Mindy.... it was hard, painful, and challenging... (this does not change my absolute love for the state of Kentucky)... but some of the most quality friends I could ever comprehend to have in my life are in Kentucky (Cincinnati, but still :) ) ... my family... but that this is the season for "right here" ... next to me... intimacy... for love... for quality time... it was exactly what I needed to hear in this season...
It's hard being here.. but there is purpose for the challenge and that... that makes it all worth it! He...He is worth it. He's chasing after me... pursuing my heart.. solely because He loves me!!!! And that, that's breathtaking!!!!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
a crispy fall day in Kansas City...
Hello world...greetings from Kansas City!!!!
Today is a crispy fall Thursday in Kansas City is my first fall day here... it is in the 40's!!! A couple of days ago it was in the 80's... oh, Kansas City weather is so dramatic... unlike the rainstorm's in Kentucky, the rain here comes "randomly" and hard and then it's just gone.... Kentucky seemed to have the subtle transition into rain and out..not Kansas City, they like the dramatic weather... I say "they" and wonder if I'll include myself when I refer to Kansas City. I'm guessing one day it'll switchover... but for now, I still feel like a Kentucky girl in a new city. One of my roommates just moved here about a week and half ago and she said that it has and already feels like home. I do not have that feeling... well, the other day I drove to and from work without the help of Stella, my GPS.... so, that was an interesting feeling knowing exactly what highway I needed to take and such... I'm guessing this is just a matter of time...
Today, marks ONE MONTH of being her in Kansas City. It's been like the longest month of my life... i am quite convinced that this past month of days was expanded in someway....and yet, it has been one month. Wow. I still don't know a lot... and yet I feel God is giving me glimpses....
I was super excited one day in time with Jesus, I wrote a list of all of the things I've always wanted to do and just have never been able to do... or things that I miss doing in Kentucky that I can do here.... so, I'm going to step out and do them. Some of these adventure tasks include reminding and awakening my piano playing skills, swing dancing, going shooting, kickboxing, ballet classes, improving my memory skills, spinning, and sewing... i'm excited to see what skills develop or awaken on this venture....
QUALITY vs. QUANTITY
the current challenge.... in every area.... I was reading a fashion magazine and it was emphasizing the need for quality of pieces in your wardrobe rather than a quantity of mediocre pieces. I was at the library yesterday and skimming through a book about the brain and it was discussing studies that have found that consistent, quality, shorter study sessions in learning new information than longer study sessions that have the quantity- that our brain is like a piece of steel where information is harder to input, but once it's in, it is harder to get rid of..... and even in friendships, you have to make the decision to be have quality and depth in a few, because it is impossible to have a deep quality friendship with everyone: "a mile deep or a mile wide" ... This morning, I was reading a book about healthy food choices ("Dorm Room Diet" by Daphne Oz- Dr. Oz's daughter) and how the easiest and cheapest food choices are usually in giant food quantities calling out to you. She said this phrase and it has really stuck with me- would you rather pay a low amount of money for cheap, processed food and then have to pay a whole lot of money in the future for bypass surgery or hospital bills as a result of your eating habits, or pay a little more now for quality food that will nourish your body.
I'm realizing that in the past, i've been a quantity person... I enjoy having a wide assortment of clothing pieces, i'm horrid at the studying in bulk when there is a reason aka quiz or test, and i've enjoyed having a wide array of friendships, and I'm a girl who loves saving money in the small random ways.... but lately i'm craving... my spirit is craving quality. I don't want to invest in friendships that are mediocre. I don't want to buy a bunch of good enough clothes that I really don't love, I don't want to study at the last minute anymore, and I don't want to eat processed, crazy food solely because its cheaper now. It really is a brand new mindset and perspective...its a challenge to go through and rethink new choices because I crave the quality over the quantity. I had no idea how much this really has permeated my life... but I'm excited to see my life become more and more quality...and less and less quantity.
...daily.... consistent.... intentional...
on a funny moment... i was watching a few Gilmore Girls episodes and it made me crave PopTarts. Other than at NKU, one of my teachers was so passionate about PopTarts, that was the last time I had had a PopTart in 5 years.... so, I bought some *smile*
Well, I'm sewing this evening and then Skyping with my Haiti-ian team family!!! *smile*
Today is a crispy fall Thursday in Kansas City is my first fall day here... it is in the 40's!!! A couple of days ago it was in the 80's... oh, Kansas City weather is so dramatic... unlike the rainstorm's in Kentucky, the rain here comes "randomly" and hard and then it's just gone.... Kentucky seemed to have the subtle transition into rain and out..not Kansas City, they like the dramatic weather... I say "they" and wonder if I'll include myself when I refer to Kansas City. I'm guessing one day it'll switchover... but for now, I still feel like a Kentucky girl in a new city. One of my roommates just moved here about a week and half ago and she said that it has and already feels like home. I do not have that feeling... well, the other day I drove to and from work without the help of Stella, my GPS.... so, that was an interesting feeling knowing exactly what highway I needed to take and such... I'm guessing this is just a matter of time...
Today, marks ONE MONTH of being her in Kansas City. It's been like the longest month of my life... i am quite convinced that this past month of days was expanded in someway....and yet, it has been one month. Wow. I still don't know a lot... and yet I feel God is giving me glimpses....
I was super excited one day in time with Jesus, I wrote a list of all of the things I've always wanted to do and just have never been able to do... or things that I miss doing in Kentucky that I can do here.... so, I'm going to step out and do them. Some of these adventure tasks include reminding and awakening my piano playing skills, swing dancing, going shooting, kickboxing, ballet classes, improving my memory skills, spinning, and sewing... i'm excited to see what skills develop or awaken on this venture....
QUALITY vs. QUANTITY
the current challenge.... in every area.... I was reading a fashion magazine and it was emphasizing the need for quality of pieces in your wardrobe rather than a quantity of mediocre pieces. I was at the library yesterday and skimming through a book about the brain and it was discussing studies that have found that consistent, quality, shorter study sessions in learning new information than longer study sessions that have the quantity- that our brain is like a piece of steel where information is harder to input, but once it's in, it is harder to get rid of..... and even in friendships, you have to make the decision to be have quality and depth in a few, because it is impossible to have a deep quality friendship with everyone: "a mile deep or a mile wide" ... This morning, I was reading a book about healthy food choices ("Dorm Room Diet" by Daphne Oz- Dr. Oz's daughter) and how the easiest and cheapest food choices are usually in giant food quantities calling out to you. She said this phrase and it has really stuck with me- would you rather pay a low amount of money for cheap, processed food and then have to pay a whole lot of money in the future for bypass surgery or hospital bills as a result of your eating habits, or pay a little more now for quality food that will nourish your body.
I'm realizing that in the past, i've been a quantity person... I enjoy having a wide assortment of clothing pieces, i'm horrid at the studying in bulk when there is a reason aka quiz or test, and i've enjoyed having a wide array of friendships, and I'm a girl who loves saving money in the small random ways.... but lately i'm craving... my spirit is craving quality. I don't want to invest in friendships that are mediocre. I don't want to buy a bunch of good enough clothes that I really don't love, I don't want to study at the last minute anymore, and I don't want to eat processed, crazy food solely because its cheaper now. It really is a brand new mindset and perspective...its a challenge to go through and rethink new choices because I crave the quality over the quantity. I had no idea how much this really has permeated my life... but I'm excited to see my life become more and more quality...and less and less quantity.
...daily.... consistent.... intentional...
on a funny moment... i was watching a few Gilmore Girls episodes and it made me crave PopTarts. Other than at NKU, one of my teachers was so passionate about PopTarts, that was the last time I had had a PopTart in 5 years.... so, I bought some *smile*
Well, I'm sewing this evening and then Skyping with my Haiti-ian team family!!! *smile*
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Just one of those days....
Ever have one of those days... yes, one of those kinds of days.... today was one of those... moving here, I feel like I had a concentrated amount of these kinds of days....but I feel them lessening... which is encouraging.... but so frustrating because I feel like the enemy wins on theses days and that's not okay with me. I don't want him to even have one day of success. I want to stand up and fight. Today, while learning the menu for the restaurant I will be serving in, I was watching and listening to Beth Moore videos. Wow.... she really is a woman of power, authority and a God created beauty. I really feel like today, she became a role model. What an incredible woman of God! She truly was incredibly genuine too... which was so great and she massively challenged me. Today- one of those days- is almost over... I am determined that no matter what I may feel like that I am determined to fight for tomorrow.
One of the Beth Moore YOUtube video's that I watched was entitled: "When Life Has You Paralyzed." It resonated so much within me that almost immediately as she began to speak, tears began to come forth. I feel like ever since I've been here that life has been paralyzing me. And part of me wants to just relent and take it because I'm tired of fighting... and then there is the fiesty side of me who wants to fight and kick the paralyzing.... oy. it's just been one of those days...
However, I don't need easy...i just need possible. *smile*
One of the Beth Moore YOUtube video's that I watched was entitled: "When Life Has You Paralyzed." It resonated so much within me that almost immediately as she began to speak, tears began to come forth. I feel like ever since I've been here that life has been paralyzing me. And part of me wants to just relent and take it because I'm tired of fighting... and then there is the fiesty side of me who wants to fight and kick the paralyzing.... oy. it's just been one of those days...
However, I don't need easy...i just need possible. *smile*
Sunday, September 4, 2011
a lovely Sunday in September in Missouri....
So, I have had a very mellow day... one of those where you get up, get breakfast... I watched a Crossroads service, got locked out of my house, McGeiver'd my way back in my house, and then decided I wanted to do some cleaning in preparation for the upcoming week. After cleaning the floors, I headed out to our front porch entry area... determined to make it look beautiful. It just needed a little tender loving care...and I was determined to bring forth the beauty that I knew was there somewhere. I have that. I have a problem in believing in people who aren't amazing...who have dirty motives...i've seen it and been hurt by it... but within me is built a belief that all people have a beauty and sometimes its been covered up by layers of hurt, pain, words of anger, bitterness.... I feel like a lot of what people see as angry, rude, and aloof people are people that have had hurt and wounds and their defensive mechanism is to cover it up and to cope with those, they have chosen to become calloused.
Anyways... so, I did a little gardening... and among pulling out the dead parts of the flowers and plants, I had a couple revelations. One being that there was a lot of dead flowers right next to flowers blooming and full of life... and certain dead flowers were intertwined around the flowers that you could see once had life. Like one, it had a beautiful pink flower on the end, but the roots and the stem leading to that flower were dying. And it makes me think about how in life, there are people who just suck the life out of you. In one way or another. And sometimes, if you are not intentional, it would be easy to allow them to suck the life out of you instead of allowing Jesus, as your true source to bring forth life. Another revelation from looking at these two flowers... allowing Jesus to prune you is not only good for you and for the life of who you are... but for those around you. Jesus said to me today, "You will be far more effective to the people around you when you are firmly rooted and grounded in my love and my affections for you." So, the life of Jesus that I am a carrier of will directly affect the people around me whether I fully realize that or not. Wow. Powerful!
But is cutting out those relationships the answer... or would it be for me to have such a deep and strong root structure into Jesus that the wounds and "life suckingness" (the only full way to describe *smile*) of anyone else would not be able to shake me. That instead of them taking my life... that instead I'd be able to inject the life and love of God into them. Hmmm... that really is quite the concept...
I'm coming to this strong realization that talk is cheap. I'm over people saying one thing and never following through. I know that I do this, but I try to be intentional about the follow through. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. A woman of integrity and faithfulness. I want any person: friend, family, acquaintance, employer, coworker, special someone to know that when I say something and give my word, that you can count on that. So, instead of saying I want the life and love of God to be deeply rooted within me, I want that to be reality. To intentionally make rhythm of life that would grow that to such a strong level. I'm also guessing that this isn't going to be an overnight phenomenon... thus, comes in CONSISTENCY. There is really a power in consistency...whether it's physical body changes, spiritual heart alterations, mental mindsets dissolving, relational strengthening... it's all about consistency. I've had QUALITY friends at internships that I've been a part of, trips that i've gone on... and without consistently keeping up with those friendships, I've seen our hearts drift a part. Obviously, a part of that definitely comes with seasonal friendships. It doesn't make it any easier. I went on a trip to Haiti in May, and there are some I've pursued and yet on my part or the other, there hasn't been a consistency, so the friendship, the depth has altered. I know that if I were talk to these men and woman that are on my heart as I type this, we would have great conversation, but the depth would not even compare if there was a consistency.
On a light, fun note... I've discovered that peanut butter and jelly is exceeding more delicious when eaten with a fork and knife. I don't fully comprehend the why... but I highly recommend it! *smile* ....
Being away from my friends and family here in Missouri, I've discovered that I love Skype! Since being here, I've Skype'd with my family, my Kentucky family, one of the youth girls I connected with at 412, my bestest friend Cazi LaRee, one of my dear dear Haiti friends: Stephanie... and it's so refreshing to see and talk with them!
Well, I'm off to finish cleaning (this was a cleaning fiesta *smile* ) ... and prepare for the week... I start my new job tomorrow!!!! So, so excited!!!!!! *giggle*
Anyways... so, I did a little gardening... and among pulling out the dead parts of the flowers and plants, I had a couple revelations. One being that there was a lot of dead flowers right next to flowers blooming and full of life... and certain dead flowers were intertwined around the flowers that you could see once had life. Like one, it had a beautiful pink flower on the end, but the roots and the stem leading to that flower were dying. And it makes me think about how in life, there are people who just suck the life out of you. In one way or another. And sometimes, if you are not intentional, it would be easy to allow them to suck the life out of you instead of allowing Jesus, as your true source to bring forth life. Another revelation from looking at these two flowers... allowing Jesus to prune you is not only good for you and for the life of who you are... but for those around you. Jesus said to me today, "You will be far more effective to the people around you when you are firmly rooted and grounded in my love and my affections for you." So, the life of Jesus that I am a carrier of will directly affect the people around me whether I fully realize that or not. Wow. Powerful!
But is cutting out those relationships the answer... or would it be for me to have such a deep and strong root structure into Jesus that the wounds and "life suckingness" (the only full way to describe *smile*) of anyone else would not be able to shake me. That instead of them taking my life... that instead I'd be able to inject the life and love of God into them. Hmmm... that really is quite the concept...
I'm coming to this strong realization that talk is cheap. I'm over people saying one thing and never following through. I know that I do this, but I try to be intentional about the follow through. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. A woman of integrity and faithfulness. I want any person: friend, family, acquaintance, employer, coworker, special someone to know that when I say something and give my word, that you can count on that. So, instead of saying I want the life and love of God to be deeply rooted within me, I want that to be reality. To intentionally make rhythm of life that would grow that to such a strong level. I'm also guessing that this isn't going to be an overnight phenomenon... thus, comes in CONSISTENCY. There is really a power in consistency...whether it's physical body changes, spiritual heart alterations, mental mindsets dissolving, relational strengthening... it's all about consistency. I've had QUALITY friends at internships that I've been a part of, trips that i've gone on... and without consistently keeping up with those friendships, I've seen our hearts drift a part. Obviously, a part of that definitely comes with seasonal friendships. It doesn't make it any easier. I went on a trip to Haiti in May, and there are some I've pursued and yet on my part or the other, there hasn't been a consistency, so the friendship, the depth has altered. I know that if I were talk to these men and woman that are on my heart as I type this, we would have great conversation, but the depth would not even compare if there was a consistency.
On a light, fun note... I've discovered that peanut butter and jelly is exceeding more delicious when eaten with a fork and knife. I don't fully comprehend the why... but I highly recommend it! *smile* ....
Being away from my friends and family here in Missouri, I've discovered that I love Skype! Since being here, I've Skype'd with my family, my Kentucky family, one of the youth girls I connected with at 412, my bestest friend Cazi LaRee, one of my dear dear Haiti friends: Stephanie... and it's so refreshing to see and talk with them!
Well, I'm off to finish cleaning (this was a cleaning fiesta *smile* ) ... and prepare for the week... I start my new job tomorrow!!!! So, so excited!!!!!! *giggle*
Thursday, September 1, 2011
a light piercing the unknown...
So, I found out that I have been accepted into the UMKC nursing program AND I start work at Brio Tuscan Grille on MONDAY!!!!! I am exstatically excited! The nursing program is phenomenal. I've done a good amount of research into it and it seems like they do it with excellence!!! I'm excited to start classes in January!!! As for now, starting as a server at Brio Tuscan Grille here in Kansas City is fantastic! I've always wanted to be a server for Brio and now that the opportunity has opened, I'm so excited to walk through that door... as well as being able to wear a tie everyday. I've never worn a tie, because I'm a girl...i'm excited to now have that joy!!! *smile*.... and I'm going to work at All American Indoor Sports (i've already started this job) as a Lil' Kickers soccer coach. It's so great... I get paid to run around and play soccer with kids. The company uses soccer as a tool for childhood development. To develop social, physical, mental, and problem solving skills. The program is divided by age group and the games are played with soccer!!!! So great!!!! And... I was in the prayer room singing a song and we sang, "You are my everything." And instead of a prayer, I was able to dig in and sing it from the depths of my being... and it really took it to a brand new level. So, so great.
So, I'm not on a little happy island mesmerized by the events of the day thinking that everyday in Kansas City is now going to be incredibly amazing... I realize that there will be more rough days... and I realize those may be in an hour... or tomorrow... but there have been moments of "Just Breathe" throughout this crazy journey... Moments, where it's so great to see how God knows that I just need a fresh breathe of peace, hope, and life.... A great moment was blasting the song: "Desert Song" in my car and screaming, singing, and soaking in the truth of the words!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH54lMB6WPk
and here is a breathtakingly incredible interview that takes this song to a deeper level....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9YQeJQXgfY
Well, i hope you have a wonderful evening!!!
So, I'm not on a little happy island mesmerized by the events of the day thinking that everyday in Kansas City is now going to be incredibly amazing... I realize that there will be more rough days... and I realize those may be in an hour... or tomorrow... but there have been moments of "Just Breathe" throughout this crazy journey... Moments, where it's so great to see how God knows that I just need a fresh breathe of peace, hope, and life.... A great moment was blasting the song: "Desert Song" in my car and screaming, singing, and soaking in the truth of the words!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH54lMB6WPk
and here is a breathtakingly incredible interview that takes this song to a deeper level....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9YQeJQXgfY
Well, i hope you have a wonderful evening!!!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
girly moment....
just a pause for a girly moment.... lately, I've been wondering about what it would feel like to wear an engagement ring. I'm not the bling bling kind of girl. I don't want a flashy, Titanic sized engagement ring...because I want to wear it and that would be dangerous to wear one of those rings internationally, but I was moreso mesmerized by the reality of what it would feel like wearing a ring and knowing that every time I see that ring, that that ring represents a man. A man who could choose to marry anyone he wanted to on the entire planet, out of millions and millions of people and yet, with that ring, that man is choosing that I am the girl that he wants to spend the rest of his life with...forever and ever. I don't have a grid to be able to comprehend this thought... i'm mesmerized by this.. *giggle*
transitioning....
Transitioning is awkward. I feel like the sooner I can embrace that, the soon I can just relish in the awkwardness. It sometimes feels like culture shock that never goes away. I know that it is a season...and yet, it still feels like its been forever. There have been moments of refreshing-ness. Moments where I talk to a friend and I feel like me. Moments where I feel my heart rest even for a few minutes. Moments where I feel myself being lifted off into a God orchestrated story. A story that only he can create. And then there are moments I feel all alone. And then there are moments where I feel the presence of God closer than I could ever comprehend. I know I'm supposed to be here. I still don't fully comprehend the details of the why, but every time I make myself choose to linger with Jesus, He shows up. Sometimes at my most vulnerable moment. Sometimes to make me smile. Sometimes when I need to be challenged. Sometimes when He's decided that its time for healing.
Tonight looks completely different than I anticipated it to look this morning. And yet... I love when He challenges me and calls me to a higher level. When I feel like a spiritual rock climber and all I can do is believe that as I take the risk to get to that next rock, despite what my muscles, my brain, or even my heart says...that if I can't make it...that if I miss it...He's got me. He's belaying this adventure. He knows what my heart needs...He knows what will bring my heart to a brand new place of rootedness in Him. He knows and He's aware of every detail of who I am. So, that's why i'm risking it all...that's why I've chosen to take the risk and get away from all of the comfortableness of my beloved Kentucky and drive 598 miles to Kansas City, Missouri and engage in this journey. I don't have all the answers. I'm learning... daily...hourly... and minute by minute. I've surrendered all that I thought this would look like and I've chosen to yield to His itinerary and I'm ready... I'm leaning on Him.. a lot more tears pouring forth than in years past, but I'm "trusting Him with ALL my heart, not leaning onto what I can see or understand about this adventure... and with everything I am, have, and need I am leaning into my Beloved and the whispers of His heart knowing that He will direct the way." My life is a film. I am the leading lady and He is my director. Sometimes I get a little creative and try out something new, or even share my perspective.... all the while realizing that His eye is on the big picture and He sees what I can barely comprehend. So, I trust... when I don't understand what He is doing... when I don't see how He's going to do it... I trust. "my strength in life is I am Yours." **
Tonight looks completely different than I anticipated it to look this morning. And yet... I love when He challenges me and calls me to a higher level. When I feel like a spiritual rock climber and all I can do is believe that as I take the risk to get to that next rock, despite what my muscles, my brain, or even my heart says...that if I can't make it...that if I miss it...He's got me. He's belaying this adventure. He knows what my heart needs...He knows what will bring my heart to a brand new place of rootedness in Him. He knows and He's aware of every detail of who I am. So, that's why i'm risking it all...that's why I've chosen to take the risk and get away from all of the comfortableness of my beloved Kentucky and drive 598 miles to Kansas City, Missouri and engage in this journey. I don't have all the answers. I'm learning... daily...hourly... and minute by minute. I've surrendered all that I thought this would look like and I've chosen to yield to His itinerary and I'm ready... I'm leaning on Him.. a lot more tears pouring forth than in years past, but I'm "trusting Him with ALL my heart, not leaning onto what I can see or understand about this adventure... and with everything I am, have, and need I am leaning into my Beloved and the whispers of His heart knowing that He will direct the way." My life is a film. I am the leading lady and He is my director. Sometimes I get a little creative and try out something new, or even share my perspective.... all the while realizing that His eye is on the big picture and He sees what I can barely comprehend. So, I trust... when I don't understand what He is doing... when I don't see how He's going to do it... I trust. "my strength in life is I am Yours." **
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Beautiful moments....
So... since I've been here in Kansas City, it's been an interesting week and a couple days. Holy Spirit has been escorting me on an Esther preparation and sharing with me glimpses of the purposes that He has for me in this season. It's been quite interesting! Holy Spirit told me last night that today was one of the days of physical preparation. So, I had an interview at Starbucks, explored a park... Random conversating with Holy Spirit about my makeup and how my face was so weird and that I didn't feel like me, He told me to go to Macy's and get makeup. Unsure about the financial-ness of going to Macy's, I questioned to make sure it was the wise thing to do. I felt a complete go ahead in my spirit to go. After getting there, I headed to the Lancome' counter to browse because my best friend Meagan used to work for Lancome' and loved it! So... I walk up to the counter and a lovely lady named Lauren comes and greets me. I learn that through a crazy story, she had also moved to Kansas City from Kentucky. She suggested some amazing products to help my face through the change of moving to this city that I could get from Dollar General. We talked throughout the consultation. She is a woman of God who is beautifully confident in who she is. She spoke to me like she was empowering me and contrasted all of the negative questions that I had about moving to Kansas City and how the weather has affected my hair and face. She spoke life into me physically and about this new season of life. She recognized that it was a God orchestrated moment...and I just knew that it was. I love how Holy Spirit orchestrated it. It was very physically and emotionally healing!!! It twas a beautiful day in Kansas City... *smile*... and I officially got a job that I start on Saturday as a Lil' Kickers soccer coach... i'm excited!!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
a Kansas City adventure begins...
I had a previous blog at www.xanga.com/amiechica14, but i've decided that with a new adventure brings forth a new blog. How exciting... a new home and now a new blog.
Recently, I moved from Wilder, Kentucky to Kansas City, Missouri. The most asked question was: "Why Kansas City?" ... and thus transitions into my Kansas City story...
In 2004, I came to Kansas City to do an internship through the International House of Prayer. It was a three month internship called Fire in the Night. I remember driving around Kansas City with my Mom, the night before my parents and I would be heading back home, and just having this feeling that I could see myself living in Kansas City for a season of life. Leaving Kansas City, I was confident that I was going to come back within the next couple of months to do the second track of Fire in the Night. However, about a month later, I got an email from the Fire in the Night staff making me aware that I was the only person signed up for the second track and so they were canceling it. Life continued in Cincinnati, Ohio...
In 2009, I had a patella tendon reconstructive knee surgery. I'm not sure if it was as a result of the pain medication or if it was God given, but I had a dream that took place in the IHOP prayer room. This dream was so powerful and realistic that it once again stirred up this desire to come back to Kansas City, but then again life continued onward.
In January of 2011, on the chalkboard mural that I painted in my room, I erased everything that was doodled and written and wrote 2 lists. On the left side was Kentucky and everything that I loved about living in Kentucky. On the right side was Kansas City and everything that stirred up this desire to live there. In the months afterwards, I had days where I couldn't imagine living anywhere else in the United States, but in my amazing Kentucky as a launch point for God to send me forth from. Alongside, I also had a days where I was ready to move to Kansas City and the excitement that ignited within me to step out into a new adventure was enough for me to start making plans. This continued for the next 4 months...sometimes switching back and forth based on the day.
In March of 2011, I had a dream. In this dream, I was in the hospital that I was working at: St. Elizabeth Medical Center. I was in the endoscopy unit and it looked exactly minus it had atmospheric lighting instead of the horrid lighting. My parents came into this area with me. They started out the conversation reassuring me of their love and that nothing I have done or ever will do will change that. They then asked me to take a pregnancy test. To which I became dramatic and surprised responding with, "What? First I don't have a boyfriend. And second, you know my standards." They continued to assure me of their love and were quite persistent about me taking this pregnancy test. Knowing the truth, I finally gave in and went into the bathroom to take this test. I remember having to read the directions *smile*... I came out and they were will a doctor. I gave them the test and they looked at each other, gave it to the doctor. The doctor then nods and responds with, "As I suspected, congratulations. You are going to have a baby." To my shock, I was beyond words and so confused. "What? How? I didn't have sex. You have to have sex to have a baby." To which the doctor in his best professional manner shared, "Well, there are sometimes we have nights that we don't remember as a result of partying and a little too much drinking." Looking at him like he was crazy, I told him that, "I am not that girl. I remember my life. And I didn't have sex." I don't think that any of them believed me. I was told that I was, in fact 3 months pregnant The next thing I know I'm being transported by my transporter friends, but not only to increase my frustration, I had to share my hospital bed with an 80 year old lady.
I shared this dream with my Mom after it was stuck in my mind and heart and wouldn't leave. She decided that we should call one of her friends who has a gift for dream interpretation and that we should ask her to pray over it to see if God gives her something. She said she felt like God was birthing something in me, but that the old lady in the hospital bed symbolized alongside the new birth, there would have to be a death as well. I counted it all out and the end of August/beginning of September would be the ninth month. And Amy hid these things in her heart *smile* ...
In April 2011, one evening, I just made a decision to engage in Kentucky and the life I was living in Kentucky and erased the chalkboard mural of questioning a Kansas City adventure.
Then one lovely Monday in June, I usually always got scheduled as a transporter on Monday mornings, but for some reason, I didn't this particular Monday. So, determined to embrace my Monday, I went to the pool in our apartment complex. I was, literally, the only person at the pool this summer afternoon.
(*(To preface this story, I was in the midst of a season with God where He was asking me a lot of questions. And not just any question, but questions that the answers were touching deep wounds. Through these questions, He was bringing a lot of healing forth. )*)
So, I'm relaxing at the pool and Jesus asks me this question:
"Amy, Why are you in Kentucky?"
"412. I love them. I love serving the youth and encouraging them and I know that I am supposed to be with them in this season."
"Amy, Why are you in Kentucky?"
"Seriously, Jesus, I love serving and being a part of the 412 team and loving on the youth and serving them. I truly love those youth with all of my heart."
"Amy, Why are you in Kentucky?"
"Jesus, why are you asking me this?"
"Amy, Where would you live if you could live anywhere?" (knowing that internationally is not this season right now...)
"You know what...I'm not really sure. I've never really thought about it."
"Amy, Where would you live?" ... Him knowing me better than I know myself...
"Kansas City."
And it was in that moment, I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit to step out into this new adventure. I was so confident in the voice of God that I left the pool, went back to my apartment, and took everything in my room and in the laundry room that I owned and began going through what I needed to keep, what I could give away, and what I could throw away. Since being in Kentucky, every time I went to clean my room, I felt Holy Spirit encouraging me to simplify my life and my treasures. Which helped this final simplifying process.
From this moment forward, I felt a confidence in going to Kansas City. It freaked me out a little, but only because of the uncertainty and the unknown. Throughout the entire process, I felt the truth of His peace transcending all understanding. Talking to a man at work who became like a spiritual Father, it hit me that the peace that transcends part of this adventure had to come from God. Because in no way did this adventure feel safe or comfortable.
When I shared this new adventure, I was wondering if they would share something about "Oh goodness. Here goes Amy on another one of her adventures." Instead, my entire family were wholeheartedly supportive. It was a breath of fresh air to have the encouragement of my family.
It was amazing seeing God take care of the details. I sure had to put some hard work into it to, but seeing Him do it with me was lovely. There's so much more to share...but another day... another day I shall share...
For now, I am in the midst of this Kansas City adventure. Away from all of the people I love, away from the comfortable and into this new adventure.
"my strength in life is I am Yours." *smile*
with love, amy
Recently, I moved from Wilder, Kentucky to Kansas City, Missouri. The most asked question was: "Why Kansas City?" ... and thus transitions into my Kansas City story...
In 2004, I came to Kansas City to do an internship through the International House of Prayer. It was a three month internship called Fire in the Night. I remember driving around Kansas City with my Mom, the night before my parents and I would be heading back home, and just having this feeling that I could see myself living in Kansas City for a season of life. Leaving Kansas City, I was confident that I was going to come back within the next couple of months to do the second track of Fire in the Night. However, about a month later, I got an email from the Fire in the Night staff making me aware that I was the only person signed up for the second track and so they were canceling it. Life continued in Cincinnati, Ohio...
In 2009, I had a patella tendon reconstructive knee surgery. I'm not sure if it was as a result of the pain medication or if it was God given, but I had a dream that took place in the IHOP prayer room. This dream was so powerful and realistic that it once again stirred up this desire to come back to Kansas City, but then again life continued onward.
In January of 2011, on the chalkboard mural that I painted in my room, I erased everything that was doodled and written and wrote 2 lists. On the left side was Kentucky and everything that I loved about living in Kentucky. On the right side was Kansas City and everything that stirred up this desire to live there. In the months afterwards, I had days where I couldn't imagine living anywhere else in the United States, but in my amazing Kentucky as a launch point for God to send me forth from. Alongside, I also had a days where I was ready to move to Kansas City and the excitement that ignited within me to step out into a new adventure was enough for me to start making plans. This continued for the next 4 months...sometimes switching back and forth based on the day.
In March of 2011, I had a dream. In this dream, I was in the hospital that I was working at: St. Elizabeth Medical Center. I was in the endoscopy unit and it looked exactly minus it had atmospheric lighting instead of the horrid lighting. My parents came into this area with me. They started out the conversation reassuring me of their love and that nothing I have done or ever will do will change that. They then asked me to take a pregnancy test. To which I became dramatic and surprised responding with, "What? First I don't have a boyfriend. And second, you know my standards." They continued to assure me of their love and were quite persistent about me taking this pregnancy test. Knowing the truth, I finally gave in and went into the bathroom to take this test. I remember having to read the directions *smile*... I came out and they were will a doctor. I gave them the test and they looked at each other, gave it to the doctor. The doctor then nods and responds with, "As I suspected, congratulations. You are going to have a baby." To my shock, I was beyond words and so confused. "What? How? I didn't have sex. You have to have sex to have a baby." To which the doctor in his best professional manner shared, "Well, there are sometimes we have nights that we don't remember as a result of partying and a little too much drinking." Looking at him like he was crazy, I told him that, "I am not that girl. I remember my life. And I didn't have sex." I don't think that any of them believed me. I was told that I was, in fact 3 months pregnant The next thing I know I'm being transported by my transporter friends, but not only to increase my frustration, I had to share my hospital bed with an 80 year old lady.
I shared this dream with my Mom after it was stuck in my mind and heart and wouldn't leave. She decided that we should call one of her friends who has a gift for dream interpretation and that we should ask her to pray over it to see if God gives her something. She said she felt like God was birthing something in me, but that the old lady in the hospital bed symbolized alongside the new birth, there would have to be a death as well. I counted it all out and the end of August/beginning of September would be the ninth month. And Amy hid these things in her heart *smile* ...
In April 2011, one evening, I just made a decision to engage in Kentucky and the life I was living in Kentucky and erased the chalkboard mural of questioning a Kansas City adventure.
Then one lovely Monday in June, I usually always got scheduled as a transporter on Monday mornings, but for some reason, I didn't this particular Monday. So, determined to embrace my Monday, I went to the pool in our apartment complex. I was, literally, the only person at the pool this summer afternoon.
(*(To preface this story, I was in the midst of a season with God where He was asking me a lot of questions. And not just any question, but questions that the answers were touching deep wounds. Through these questions, He was bringing a lot of healing forth. )*)
So, I'm relaxing at the pool and Jesus asks me this question:
"Amy, Why are you in Kentucky?"
"412. I love them. I love serving the youth and encouraging them and I know that I am supposed to be with them in this season."
"Amy, Why are you in Kentucky?"
"Seriously, Jesus, I love serving and being a part of the 412 team and loving on the youth and serving them. I truly love those youth with all of my heart."
"Amy, Why are you in Kentucky?"
"Jesus, why are you asking me this?"
"Amy, Where would you live if you could live anywhere?" (knowing that internationally is not this season right now...)
"You know what...I'm not really sure. I've never really thought about it."
"Amy, Where would you live?" ... Him knowing me better than I know myself...
"Kansas City."
And it was in that moment, I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit to step out into this new adventure. I was so confident in the voice of God that I left the pool, went back to my apartment, and took everything in my room and in the laundry room that I owned and began going through what I needed to keep, what I could give away, and what I could throw away. Since being in Kentucky, every time I went to clean my room, I felt Holy Spirit encouraging me to simplify my life and my treasures. Which helped this final simplifying process.
From this moment forward, I felt a confidence in going to Kansas City. It freaked me out a little, but only because of the uncertainty and the unknown. Throughout the entire process, I felt the truth of His peace transcending all understanding. Talking to a man at work who became like a spiritual Father, it hit me that the peace that transcends part of this adventure had to come from God. Because in no way did this adventure feel safe or comfortable.
When I shared this new adventure, I was wondering if they would share something about "Oh goodness. Here goes Amy on another one of her adventures." Instead, my entire family were wholeheartedly supportive. It was a breath of fresh air to have the encouragement of my family.
It was amazing seeing God take care of the details. I sure had to put some hard work into it to, but seeing Him do it with me was lovely. There's so much more to share...but another day... another day I shall share...
For now, I am in the midst of this Kansas City adventure. Away from all of the people I love, away from the comfortable and into this new adventure.
"my strength in life is I am Yours." *smile*
with love, amy
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