Running 100%, 200%, and 300% revelation as I reflect on thirty before thirty turns to thirty-one…..

Almost two weeks ago, I received a letter. In that letter, a person in my life revealed some very honest truths. I am glad because there was mention about not telling me for six months to a year down the road. After reading that letter and a follow up conversation, I was sent into a tornado of pain. A tornado where I felt betrayed by someone I considered to be a friend….all for completely selfish reasons. The aftermath lasted about twenty-four hours and then was zapped away. The days that followed were filled with prayer, processing, a lot of journalling and talking to God I found that there were a variety of emotions I needed to walk through to heal and move on. Forgiveness that had to be chosen-- over and over and over. It seems from my end this person does not think they did anything wrong. I have though chosen to forgive and to be kind and loving as a friend. I have chosen to go against what some might have chosen in my position. I have chosen not to abandon this person.  "Love is kind." I have lived out that reality and made that choice when the hurt I have been processing through made me not want to. On my run today, I felt Holy Spirit encourage me that He trusted me enough to put me in the middle of this situation. He trusted that my foundation on Him could endure the storm. I was nearly brought to tears in the midst of this conversation with Holy Spirit. The God of heaven and earth… my Creator… my Lord… my Savior… the Lover of my Soul… my Best Friend… trusted me and our relationship that he could use me in this person's life. He knew what would happen. And yet, the unexpected effect is that this whole situation created a make shift clinic for me to realize where my heart is. To realize the emotions and feelings I had been seeking… Had I not walked through the aforementioned situation, God could not have used it to reveal my hearts feelings. *smile*…. I do not know what the future will hold with that… it is out of my control, but can I just say how amazing and incredible our God is who can take these ashes and the rubble of this tornado and bring such a beauty that is unfathomable. Wow. I am amazed.

Running revelation----- Holy Spirit was teaching me about strengths and weaknesses. I had an as always fun, hilarious, and deep conversation with my Dad before I went to work. He is being a Dad and he cares so, he and many other people keep asking me about what my life will look like after graduation. Which if I could put a news bulletin out to the world to stop asking me, I would! I don't know.. I don't. I have ideas, dreams, thoughts, wonderings… but I don't know. I didn't know I would be in this spot right now. I thought I'd be graduating with a nursing degree from NKU marrying my first boyfriend. I in fact am graduating with a social work degree from MTSU and the love part is out and about. *smile*… I trust the leadings of God, but I don't know..yet. So, Dad mentions that when he was graduating college, you could be a professor as a grad student and work alongside a professor and teach as you get your masters. To which I responded that that is something I do not know if I would want to do. Because teaching is not my strength. At. All. I have been engaging in this weakness through teaching at GIRLS Ranch, but it is still far from my strength. And so, on my run today, Holy Spirit begins to teach me about being in your strength element and how you don't need necessarily the God factor….whereas, if you are operating within your weakness, the need increases! Dare I say it becomes a sense of "God, if you don't intervene, I may not make it"… a sort of beautiful desperation. He then taught me this as I had already run seven miles in ninety-some degree weather and was tired and quite sparkly sweaty. He dared me to run and told me the point to start. I then, ran and the first time, he instructed me to give it my 100% past the point I could physically feel ..sharing that this was practice on a physical running area for what he has ahead --- And so, I pushed past what I was feeling into where I was relying on His strength and what He could do in and through me … He then told me the point I could stop. We did this for 200% and then 300%…. He began to share with me that there is a point where the possible and the impossible meet and if we allow ourselves to embrace and settle into the weakness where He is literally the only way we can meet a goal, do something, or see something come into reality, that, that is where He is glorified and we can bring the impossible to reality.

In 2 days, I will be thirty-one. I am excited! I love love love love birthday's! I am excited about mine! It leads me though to think about this past year of life. I must say, my year thirty has definitely been one of my favorites. And yet, I am excited for 31 and all this year holds. Graduation being exciting… and I can only begin to imagine the other surprises God has within this upcoming year….

Reflecting on 30…..

the best thirtieth birthday celebration! summer of thirty!

                                                                     
                                                                          fall of thirty!

                                                                   winter of thirty!

spring of thirty!

summer of thirty…. pre thirty-one….

(top: almost thirty-one)  (bottom: newly thirty)

There was Grenada, SSR, The Grand Ole Opry, Deans List at MTSU, finding a teaching groove at GIRLS Ranch, love, betrayal, new job, JEF, losing friends, gaining friends, my first adult cavity, laughter, tears, deepening quality friendships, feeling comfortable in my own skin, depth in my intimacy and relationship with God… 

That was then… thirty-one is on the horizon… with a year ahead that needs to be written with love, adventure, depth… it's going to be great!

||| a storm without warning |||

It came. I knew it would. Realist, not skeptic. It was all too Superman and little Clark Kent. The storm came. I am thankful that it came… 

I'm left to deal with the ramifications of someone else's selfish decision. I feel betrayal, hurt, some anger, and oh so many questions swirling within me. I trusted a friend…. I am so incredibly thankful for honesty, which I can just feel Holy Spirit within the honesty. I could never in a trillion years have guessed I would be where I am, but here I am. I knew there was a risk. I even said to a friend, it could be messy, but I will and will always choose to risk. People are worth the risk. I do believe in redemption and that somehow, someway, there will be beauty that comes from these seeming ashes. It is quite interesting the truth that has been revealed in the past few days within my own heart I did not know was there. In a "it makes me smile despite the crazy strangeness of this." I am so thankful for my friends and family's support, prayers, and love. And for a God who loves me and sees a bigger story than I do. It is interesting how this exploded and within twenty-four hours, I went back to feeling like me. Even in the chaos. The last time my heart was involved, that was not the case.

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." --- Lamentations 3:22-24----

Thursday, the day after the storm, I was listening to my "Glee Cast Channel" on Pandora and this song came on--- "Never Giving Up" by Melinda Dolittle…. these are the beautiful words that connected oh so powerful with my heart.

**************************######################+++++++++++++++++++++++++^^^^^

I knew that I would have a great love story

That was when I wasn't scared to dream

I won't let a fear like that destroy me

I'm gonna believe

I'll turn the page to write my own love stories

Take my pen and write a brand new dream

I'm beautiful no matter what they tell me

I'm gonna believe

Even if it means my heart keeps breaking

Even if I lose my love's not changing

I'm never, I'm never giving up

Even if the phone leaves me broken

Even if you tell me its hopeless

I'm never, I'm never giving up

I'm never giving up, up

I will find the one who leaves me breathless

I will find the one who lets me dream

Finding love will be a risk worth taking

I'm gonna believe

I'm Stronger -- Stronger than you see

I'm Fighting -- Cuz I believe

I'm Never -- I'm never giving up

My Whole Life

My Whole Life in front of me

I Wont' Stop -- Until I see

I'm Never -- I'm never giving up

I'm never giving up, up

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depth….

There is an online community called::: She Reads Truth that I am a part of. It is a group of women of all ages who, around our country and the nations have chosen to be intentional about the Word of God. Women who seek to dig into the Word and grow on a daily basis. We connect through a daily devotion and social media. I have discovered many of my friends are She Reads Truth-ers. Love this community. I actually found them through my roommate in Kansas City who suggested it to me in the middle of the depression I was sinking deeper and deeper into. The SRT community quickly became a type of oxygen cannula to my mind, soul, and spirit. 

A couple of days ago, one of the devotionals was about Lot's wife and the writer of the devotional spoke to the fact that sometimes in our lives-----

 "….we're asked to obey without having all the information."

 Deep. Truth. One I have been living out since our 2015 Nashville Ice Storm when God asked me to lay down a man I had feelings for and a dream in my heart within a two week time span. Little did I know what He had up his sleeve.

I began the healing and continual surrender process that week. It was like a detox. As the days pass since then, I have begun to see the why… and how God has protected me from a dream that was not in a healthy place… whether He gives it back to me or not is the point… the point is in surrender, I chose Him over that dream. 

The enemy is a jerk face. It drives me up a wall his tactics and his disgusting ness and the manipulative ways he uses to get to me. he always knows what will get to me. my sister posting a picture of me when I was not in a healthy place of life, physically… why…. why does he have to be such a jerk. It only fuels me fire to stand up and fight as a warrior to destroy his kingdom and all he is. It fuels my anger to come at him with a vengeance. I won't let up. I won't let him win. I will not fight on the defensive---- I will fight on the offensive… ready or not…whatever he throws at me, I am coming after him- in the name of Jesus. 

Because I am loved. Because I am a daughter of the King. Because the materialism and consumerism of this world will not, can not, shall not have a hold on me. I'm coming for blood. In His face… to be a beacon of God's hope, truth, love, and victory. I will fail and my humanness will get me…. but I am a warrior, I will get back up and fight.