***beautiful*** beautifully captured by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

Can we just begin this with the beauty of this song… and oh how this calls out what the heart of a woman truly wants from a man. We just want to be genuinely cherished and loved….. truly.

ninja kicking my fear and fighting for my God**

Sometimes fear strangles me…suffocates me… paralyzes me. I hate it… but it's true. Sometimes I allow it..and I don't fight back. I want to fight back and not be strangled, suffocated, or paralyzed.. I want to speak into the fear when I'm in the middle of it. I felt God calling me to jump off a cliff.. and for three weeks, I shy'd away… and still He pursued me. Different churches, different podcasts all talking about the same thing… one would think it would plunge into my fear.. and yet it took some time for me to get there. I got there… oh the patience of my God as He waited…waited for me to be ready… to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. He gets me every time… there are things and people who are irresistible to my heart almost instantaneously- brussels sprouts, cookie butter, chocolate milk, my best friend Meagan… the list is more than that… but that is the tip of the ice-burg. However, the all time irresistible anything to my heart is my God. In pain, in joy, in the mountain top moments, in the fire… still He is irresistible. So, three weeks later, I jumped… I jumped off of the cliff…. and you know what, as scary and fear filled as I thought the jump would be, it feels pretty great. So, what does ninja-kicking my fear look like these days- cliff jumping when I want to relax on the cliff… sending a humbling email to someone I didn't follow through on a commitment to, and seeing my fear and calling it out whether I allow it to take control or I take control in that moment, I'm calling it out… and seeing the strength of my muscles grow as I fight it… and I'm determined to do a little more ninja kicking and a little less being strangled, suffocated, and paralyzed.

In Exodus, there is this pretty great verse in chapter 14 verse 14 that says- "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Beautiful, right? Powerful? Absolutely… I have seen my Lord do that for me. I have seen and experiencing Him fighting for me even in moments I did not even know I needed to be fought for. Lately, however, I'm experiencing a twist- what does it look like for me to fight for Him? What does it look like to show the enemy that I want Him more than I want what culture throws in my face that I want? What if I show Him I want Him that I want Him through generosity more than consumerism? What if I show Him I want to go on date nights with Him and fall deeply in love with Him as I await Him to awaken a love story with a fellow one day? What if I fight for Him when I choose love in my words instead of giving into gossip? What if I fight for Him as I choose humility when it would be so easy to boost my pride?

Even since a little girl, I've said I don't want to just have God as my Best Friend…. I want to be His friend where He feels at home. I am not about to debate the theology of that, but He created us for relationship. He created us because He WANTED a world with us…He didn't need us… He WANTED us… and chose us… "as we were busy hating God, He was busy loving us."… It's time, its time for me to fight for Him- when its messy, uncomfortable, awkward, uncommon, confusing, and when I don't think I'm worthy of it… my worth is found in Him… and I refuse to allow anything to keep me from fighting for my God!

On a fun and random note, 8 Sand Volleyball games later, I feel every single muscle in my body. Oy. Oh Oh Oh so worth it… but Oh my.

accelerating generations….

One time my Mom stated to me that she saw the intersection of my future husband and I like a boat turning in the waters. She saw our singleness seasons separately being one to work through baggage, wounds, pains… empowering us when we come together to be able to explode into our story together.

I see that… now being in my thirties and not seeing my future husband or any person on the horizon. I have a deep rooted hope and peace that he is alive in this world and our story will be starting soon… but I now not only see what Mom was saying, but I've been living it out in my world… I feel more freer, more Amy, more beautiful, more light, more comfortable in my own skin, comfortable in my vision, my puzzle piece that I did two weeks ago, two months ago, barely even recognizing the Amy of two years ago. The fires have refined, the painful questions have been faced, the pains/wounds/cycles have been exposed…and oh how it has been a tough journey, but one I would not trade for the world.

I hear of so many marriages in my parents generation that for the first few years were "knock down, drag out" fights. I know my future love and I will have conflict, challenges and such… but I feel like the story I have chosen and walking through the barriers now will empower my husband and I to be able to step into our story when our Kairos timing comes. In the Bible, as time goes on things become faster and more amplified… and I see that from the outside perspective. Two of my most dearest friends have pushed back their wedding date because they want to conquer those barriers… and oh how powerful that is… and beautiful!

I have a lotttt more ground to cover in my own life, but I can see where I've come from… and oh I pray my love feels deeply loved because I chose freedom and walking through the fire instead of around it. And oh how my heart is excited for our story as we explode onto the waters together… and oh he will be so worth the wait…worth the fight… worth the preparation.