warrior princess ****

*** a love story set in the midst of war ***

This paradigm of life and our world is my favorite. And yet, lately, the past couple of weeks, all I have been feeling is the war part. Oy vey. I'm an extrovert who in more moments than I would like where life has created a more introverted life. I reach out and friends talk about wanting to spend time together, and then no action. I've been accused a lot of doing the wrong thing, the wrong method, while within myself knowing that I didn't… but choosing to keep my mouth closed. I literally spoke strongly out loud to myself in my office today, "Amy, keep your mouth shut." Everything in me wanted to defend myself and the knowledge I have and yet, sometimes, just keeping my mouth shut is better for my soul.  I keep feeling slighted and yet being reminded, so many moments like this, I am learning are moments where my flesh needs to die and I need to sacrifice. I need to keep my mouth shut. I need to choose love over choosing to be right. Moments where as my pride and my flesh is dying and suffocating create moments for my Spirit rise up… for Jesus to cultivate and grow more of Him and less of me. That statement seems cheesy and religiouso and yet, its truth. I remember Belinda, the leader of my Haiti missions trip, challenged us with--- in a fight, what dog will win? Answer- the one you feed. When I'm feeding my flesh and allowing it to voice whatever complaints or frustrations, when I hold onto feeling slighted, when I choose to defend myself, I'm choosing to feed my flesh. It doesn't matter the circumstances or the why… what am I choosing. Am I choosing love despite if its reciprocated.. am I choosing to seek out people because people are always worth it… am I choosing to keep my mouth open and use it as an opportunity to exercise generosity on what the behind the scenes story could tell… am I choosing that what my God says about me, His love all around me, and that He knows the truth matters more. I'm learning that when I live from a place of knowing that I am loved, I am able to impact more, love more, and serve more. In the end, that's what matters. I talk about death and face what it is like for a person to know that the end of their life and the time they have invested in near at my job. It really and truly is a continual reminder, that eternity is so close. Eternity and all of the investments are going to matter more than the moments where I stood up for myself and chose to be right more than to love. So, I fight. I fight the flesh warring within me. I fight the enemy seeking to steal, kill, and destroy. I will always fight for people. I will fight for people to know they are loved by a God who is deeply passionate for and about them. I will keep fighting to kill my flesh.. the more I fail, the more I learn. The more I am so constantly reminded that I am so desperately in need of the grace of my God. And yet, I will live loved. I will allow the wounds I have caused myself and the wounds that have been done to me will not define me. The wounds will allow me to be a wounded healer. The wounds will empower me to be a warrior. I'm not giving up.

Because in the end, it will be probably continue to be a messy journey… but I have faith to believe that the story my God is writing in and through my life, will be more than I can think, ask, or imagine on a larger canvas than even I can imagine. And, I have a pretty epic and killer imagination, as a very powerfully visual girl!

dreams awakening**

Oh the measure of what has been happening in my heart and soul this week is more than I can right now begin to put into words. What happens when the dream with the deepest part of you is standing in front of you? Will you still stand with confidence? Will you still trust the lead of God when it seems like the riskiest and scariest moment?? Will you still step out and dance when it would be oh so much safer and easier to just be still?? Oh but to step out, dance, speak up and risk are worth it. I can't stop smiling and I love it!!

worth the risk……..

I am determined to be radical generous. Its a personal value. It looks easier and harder in different seasons. When every penny contributes to a bigger picture, sometimes its harder to be generous, but as much as I fail, I will succeed. Because my company, my job doesn't provide for me, my God does. Papa. Oh Papa is so good… He provides, He always does. So, one avenue of radical generosity is supporting my friend Pete, his wife, and their son. They are part of an incredible ministry called Mission Aviation Fellowship. Pete is a pilot. He lives with his family in Indonesia and they are making beautiful, powerful, life saving eternal investments there. Pete was one of my dear friends I met on day one of a year long internship I did in Texas. We met on the sand volleyball court, were brother/sister cores together, and it was a seasonally powerful friendship! So, because my heart is so for him, it breaks down "missionary" and support missions. I knew that man. Anyways, I choose to be generous as much as I can to them. They send out letters which is so amazing sharing stories from their everyday lives that inspires, encourages, and speaks life to me. Ah-mazing. So, the most recent letter includes this beautiful section-----

To preface, his wife Joy shared a really intense day of flights that Pete made one day to assist with numerous medical emergencies and she writes--

"When he finally did make it home, he was spent, but in the good kind of way. The kind where you've drained the day instead of letting it drain you. One of our friends defines rest as "moving at the pace of God." Some days that means retreating, being still, knowing that He is God, and resting in the truth that there's nothing we need to do to earn His love or secure our identity. And other days it can mean sweating for nine hours and then going to the hospital to pray for a stranger. If God is inviting us into the story, whatever it may be for the day or the week or the season, then we're moving at His pace. We're living in a state of rest. May you stay engaged and present in whatever story God has called you into, friends. May you listen to the voice that tells you to be still and rest, and may you listen to the same voice when it urges you to press in."

Today was a slower pace day of preparing for a fully engaged week ahead. Organizing, Exercising, Meal Planning, a Cheesy Country Music Singing movie…. a slower day, which is substantially opposed to the normal rhythms of my day at work, so, it was much needed. From my early morning wake up call from my canine roommates, I found this clear tact. Simple, random…absolutely. In the midst of the day, it traveled to random places, but never quite found a spot and then tonight, part of my lovely string lights in my room felt in one place and lo and behold, needed additional support from that simple and random tact. And as random moments like this do, it stirred up my thinking. How many times in my life have I seen things in myself, story lines of my life, or a "random friendship" and wondered if it had a place, and as time passed, I was able to see the why.

The why of how since I was a little girl, I have loved being given a challenge and have a deep seeded determination to conquer, defy, or find an answer. Now, with the families I work with, that has become such a strength everyday at my job. Or my ability to just stand in the tension and awkward of life, and how many countless times that has been a strength in my job. Or even my strange way to create therapy sessions through scrapbooking..nerdy, absolutely-- and yet, it creates space for me to heal, grow, develop, and process life.

So, what are those tacts in your life, what are those things that seem random and simple, what if we allowed the risk, the fight, the waiting to make way for those to become a strength. Because Papa is a good good God, He is always worth the risk.

**********************

So, I am living in a city I would have never imagined living in. I remember visiting a friend who lived in this city thinking about how lovely it would be to run along the routes in this area of town… to live just around the corner from Whole Foods… but thinking that I didn't think I really would want to do that. When my sister was moving to this city, she was talking with a friend of ours and they were sharing about how they both liked this city, I even had a very obvious thought about not wanting to… its a fancy part of town, and yet, here I am. My bedroom window looks out to the street where I literally said that I'm not a dreamer… it was only because God had asked me to surrender so many of my favorite dreams, that I just surrendered to not dreaming again. I have been dreaming like crazy for the past year and its a sweet reminder to keep dreaming and seeking the extraordinary dreams. On a walk, I whispered how much fun it would be to live in this city and now, here I am. Its but a season, but I am enjoying it. So, so, thankful.
--------------------------------------

Papa, you are worth the risk. ****