A Yes= A No…...

Each yes decision results in a no decision to something else. When I say yes to my relationship with God, it means that I say no to religion and rules. When I say yes to being intentional with my friendships, I say no to isolation. I will one day say yes to a man to become my husband which will result in my saying no to every other man. I hope to one day say yes to investing in my children and no to taking an easy route. I always want to say yes to being missional for Kingdom and no to selfishness and what I want for life. When I say yes to giving my 100% to school, I say no to giving just enough. Every decision sets us up for greatness….for purpose…. for our journey. Each. Decision. I do not want to do life half in. I want to be wholehearted. I want to make that decision as I proclaim yes.

On my run today, I was thinking about bitterness and how it can so easily creep into the heart. I do not believe it happens "all of a sudden." I think that it is a day by day, decision by decision virus that infects the heart and soul. On my runs I have a chance and decision to fight against bitterness. To choose to not to be bitter at the car that had an entire road with several lanes to drive in and yet gets so close to me running. Or when I'm at work serving and the table that treats me rudely and meanly because I am an easy target. Or the co-worker who degrades me with their words because they are hurting but I'm an easy target right there. Life is messy and it seems as if it sets us up to become bitter, angry, hurt and to let that guide…. but I've decided and I make this decision every day to fight against bitterness. To choose love. To allow the driver who won't move over a bit to embrace the opportunity to test my reflexes and run in the ditch. To allow the rude table to push me to pray for them and what the underlying issue is and to smile and respect them-regardless. To love the co-worker and serve because they are fighting bigger battles than I can probably see. I want to make those decisions… and I don't as much as I would like to, but I'm fighting onwards. Because I've seen the wife who used to embrace and celebrate her husbands quirks, but now they are frustrating and she's bitter. I've worked with the nurse who has dreamed of being a nurse her entire life, but now gets easily angered, frustrated and becomes bitter at her patients. The Dad who dreamed of having a family, but now his kids just being kids frustrates him. I do believe we can call our heart back to joy and to give the middle finger to bitterness with one decision. One. Decision. Saying Yes to Joy and the beauty of life within the messy and love… and saying No to bitterness and anger.

I was running and noticed the honeysuckle trees that have blossomed as spring is awakening. It made me think and wonder…. if maybe their honeysuckle flowers are that beautiful and sweet because they have endured the bitter winter…. maybe the fighting against the bitter cold and everything of winter creates a sweetness and a beauty that cannot come forth in any other way. *smile*

End of the semester assignments…...

So….. I have a ten page paper due soon…within the next couple of weeks. I had a topic and a passion for my topic. I was going to destroy a huge chunk of said paper today. Then, I reread the handout given to us about this paper and it had a pivotal line that somehow allllllll semester I missed- that this paper has to do something with our field experience. I lightly encountered my topic at my field internship. However, it is not primarily based on my field experience. So…. a paper I thought all I would have to do is take all of my research, mental outline, and just write…. may have to be completely redone. Crazy. So, I emailed my professor and I do not know how to continue. I feel like I am in a holding pattern.

Oh holding patterns of my life… it is my current life theme in everythinggggggg. To be honest, I am not stressed. I do not have any other ideas for paper topics in which I could cannonball into. So, I wait. If I have to shift my entire paper, I have to shift my entire paper. I do not know that now, so I wait. I feel like in these seeming waiting story lines of my life I am learning more than I could have ever comprehended if the pattern would have just continued onwards. I surrendered my heart for missions=holding pattern, pending complete termination….. I graduate in December= holding pattern in school as the semester concludes for the spring semester….. And yet, I feel strength being built. PNEUMAGO*** "Spirit led" …. I don't have to know every detail. I give my 100%, I ask, I lean into my Beloved, and I trust His timing and process.

I was talking to my best friend who lives in Michigan and I was sharing with her about these trees I saw on my run….

This first tree (top) has a strong root structure, the bottom part of the trunk is anchored still, and yet it will become firewood because the main part of the trunk isn't anchored…. however, the second tree (bottom) root structure and despite being pulled out a bit by the storm, its main trunk and root structure are still in place. I shared this with Meagan and how I felt Holy Spirit challenging me to not only build a deep root structure, but to allow this season of hiddenness and training to build strength in me (as the tree *smile*) in my whole structure. Meagan then shared with me that when a tree is a sapling, it moves with every movement of the wind and it is tossed to and fro…. however, with the winds and the storms, the biological chemistry of the trunk of the tree is strengthened which fortifies trees and makes them able to withstand the storms. As she was sharing with me, she had a revolutionary ah-ha moment---- the more we allow ourselves to stand in the storm, and not to run from the storm, the more strength will be built. WOW. I love the way God teaches and builds.
                                                                                             I love His training!!!

Thoughts from my morning run….

So much has flipped the past couple of months. In a crazy, awesome, rough, mind-blowing, challenging, trusting kind of amazing way. I thought I knew how my life would look like and God has literally flipped everythingggg upside down…. and it is so interesting….and I think I love it. My Fall Semester Internship. A Relationship. Missions. My "Normal." Its easier to say what has stayed the "same"- Kairos. Running. Even I have changed… my skin has amazing cleared up. My dream of six pack girl abs for 2015 are starting to be revealed *giggle* … It's interesting, oh so interesting.

So… I've been thinking lately. A couple of days ago, this song came across the radio and at first, I used to like it. The talking/singing mix is incredibleeeeee and I like his voice and it lured me in….until I actually listened to the lyrics a couple of days ago, and I got a bit livid, ranting at the radio.

""""I don't wanna steal your freedom
I don't wanna change your mind
I don't have to make you love me
I just wanna take your time

I don't wanna wreck your Friday
I ain't gonna waste my lines
I don't have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time

I don't have to meet your mother
We don't have to cross that line
I don't wanna steal your covers
I just wanna take your time

I don't wanna go home with you

I just wanna be alone with you


I don't wanna blow your phone up
I just wanna blow your mind
I don't have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time

No, I ain't gotta call you baby
And I ain't gotta call you mine
I don't have to take your heart
I just wanna take your time"""

Seriously. Seriously. Seriously. Girls, Ladies, Women…. is this seriously the kind of guy we want???? I say guy because they aren't "boys" but this is definitely not the mindset of a man. How many times do we allow a guy to treat us so flippantly. I have done this. I like a guy and I invest wholeheartedly-- blind to the truth that his actions are not connecting to his words. I say this not from a place of pain..anymore. I say this from a place of--- I am awesome. I am beautiful and I am a woman who is worth being fought for. I am worthy of a man who speaks his love and cherishing of me but also follows through with his actions. I refuse to be a woman who closes her heart down because it hurts too much. I want to be a woman who attracts the man who is a man of action. I want to be a woman who attracts a man who is passionately, zealously in love with His God. I want to be a woman who is selfless and attracts a man who lives his life in selflessness towards everyone in his life and how he spends his time. I want to be a woman who attracts a man who fights to intentionally guard his heart, eyes, and mind in purity. I want to be a woman who will protect my purity and my emotions. I don't just want a man who fights for these character traits…. but I want my life to be evident as a woman of God.

Husband, wherever you are on this planet earth- Australia, Canada, Europe, Iceland, America, or Asia…. I'm excited for your arrival, one day. Just to let you know, when you pursue me, you will not find me in a cat lady club, a dog lady club, a single ladies club…. I will be the gorgeous one, loving Jesus, and actively seeking out Kingdom in my life, loving my friends, and …  I don't need you, but you know what, sexy man of God, I want to need you and share life with you. You are not the center of my world, Jesus is, and you know what, I can be a more amazing wife and mother because of that truth. True. Story. *wink* … So, if you want to find me, I'm the one who is living out in action, what I put in words. So, lets do this life together. In HIS timing. *smile* 

….

Today, this Good Friday, I am thankful for my Jesus. Thankful that He chose me. Thankful that He took the cross to restore our relationship. Thankful that He took my sin, weakness, and brokenness on Himself, so that I could do life with Him. This is the truth and I never want to be flippant with that truth. That. Is. Beautiful. Oh how great love you have lavished over us, God. We don't deserve it, but you chose. You chose relationship. Thank you. 

Dayenu (Hebrew):: "It Would Have Been Enough, and We Are Thankful"