Behind the scenes preparation

 It's been three years since I've written anything on this platform. I want to reignite my writing. So, here's goes.

I'm a Bengals fan. I grew up in Cincinnati... we've been used to losing, but something shifted when Joe Burrow was signed on as our quarterback. The Bengals crew of greatness grew... and we found winning.

A couple of games ago, Joe Burrow tore his right hand wrist ligament. We went from not knowing who Jake Browning was, to seeing the behind the scenes hard work, blood, sweat, and tears he had already been in motion with.

Such an inspiration. Sometimes you're the person... but sometimes you are the support staff, having to be ready - in season and out of season.

Yes. Indeed. 

Trailblazing ***

 I had a plan that I've been working on steps towards and the night before Thanksgiving, everything changed. When everything leading up to said plan has walls surrounding, you have to ask some real questions, honest questions. So, about a minute or two ago, I sent the email declining the job... declining a seemingly dream job... but I have more peace in the unknown, than I did with that known. So, I have no idea what the next chapter of this story will be.... 

in worship a few days ago, Holy Spirit brought my heart to Psalm 119:105- "Your Word is a light to my feet and a light to my path." He is my compass, my North star, my beacon and He can be trusted. I lay it all down for Him... I surrender because I want His lead, His path, His trail. 

So, even though I can't see the road ahead, I will set my face on His... and see Him do what only He can. I just want my life to make sense in the light of eternity. Even if I feel like a salmon swimming upstream.

Conversation pumping gas....

My gas was exceedingly low as I drove home last night and I was oh so tired. I knew I could make it home with the gas currently in my tank. So, this morning, I left earlier than usual and went to get gas. As an adult I have, like many others, pumped my gas to a similar routine many, many times... but this mornings gas pumping into Oliver Jude (the name for my Subaru Forester) - was out of the ordinary... then again we are in a season of out of the ordinary as the natural rhythm.

I put the nozzle into my gas tank and I heard (the inner voice I know so obviously) clearly, powerfully, as strong as a few pivotal moments in my adventure with God, for me to only pump $10 from this pump into my tank. As the gallons added and the cost clicked upward... I had a few moments to make my decision to shake it off and disregard or to obey... click - click - click... I stopped and got to exactly $10 and ended my gas transaction. It was an odd moment... one I wanted to know the why. As this moment has, all throughout my day been coming up within me, it led me to think about if I box up my relationship with God into digestible, what I can explain, comprehend... or am I living on mission to just live ON MISSION. Even if it is beyond how I should respond, am I rejecting that and choosing grace... am I waiting when some say to jump... am I using my voice when fear is silencing others... currently our world is in the middle of a pandemic due to Covid-19... a virus that is affecting thousands upon thousands. Do I think God made this happen? No. Do I think he is using it and going to keep using it... heck yes. Alongside all of that, do I think there is a lot about this that doesn't make sense to our minds, also yes. Do I think that God is sovereign and above it all.. abso-freaking-lutely! I think because He is bigger than all of it, we can trust Him. He is irresistible to me... beyond what I may want...I want Him more. I trust Him more. So, even in the unknown, I will follow, I will blaze the trail, I will love when its so hard... and I will trust His lead... even at the gas pump. *smile*

2020 ** Unstoppable ^^ Soar

One year and one day ago was the last post on this blog of mine.

I love to write. Intertwined in the fluidity of the keys under my fingers as I put to words and text the things that are swirling within me, the dreams being formed like clay, the moments experienced being captured, and the reflections of a God who is oh so fully Emmanuel "God with us" its my form of art. Some are musicians, some artists... I write... and I like it, so, so much. Even with the evidence of a year, I write in other forms. Tonight, as I was getting ready for bed, I have been reflecting on this January. On a morning commute to work, one of the radio DJ's made a comment about the "87 days of January" which in fact made me laugh and yet this January of 2020 has been one I will not soon forget. Last night, my church and 450+ churches join for a kick off to celebrate the beginning of a 30 day prayer and fasting for our city and each person. Already, so so much has happened... and I'm sure there will be weathers to storm and yet, I am deeply loving the moments where God shows up in an unforeseen way.... and already he has done that three times in two days! This month feels different already. An awakening within me to new levels and depths is already in motion.

For this year... I feel like this year - 2020 is two words:

.....UNSTOPPABLE
                            and
                                SOAR.....

.... so much Holy Spirit is teaching me right now... one being with my job and what it looks like to stand under the kind of administration that I have currently - and he told me what that looks like, which I had to exercise today--- through not my lead, it was dramatically so... and then tonight, I watched this video and it was the concepts Holy Spirit was teaching me.

Here's to a spectacular year of writing, hiking adventures with Jesus, laughter and growth lived in community, and adventurously, expectant God things!

writing ** A L T I T U D E ^^ rhythms and habits

On Friday, after visiting patients, accomplishing tasks, meeting families, all of the everyday pieces of my job that I do in rounds, I came back to my desk to a piece of paper. It was from our Assistant Director of Nursing asking me to proofread a recommendation letter for one of her techs applying to Nursing School. To explain what that simple task did to my soul can only be explained as reawakening this side of me that has been on the back burner in the last couple of years. It is a piece of me and I have been having this wondering about my writing being brought back to life like a dormant volcano in 2019. I think it is happening. I marked up that paper with recommendations and ideas. What she wrote was good, but I wanted to create what she wanted to say and make it stand out. It was fun. I deeply enjoyed it.

My parents told me quite a few years back they always thought I was going to be a writer. I wanted to be a photographer, and yet as time went on, I let that dream sizzle and I have never looked back. Also, I really, wanted to be a professional soccer player, and yet, I also let that dream go, after playing to my fullest investment of the sport…. it may be moreso that my knees let that dream go. However, this love for the written word has never left me. I don't know how this will translate. I do have a book that has been stirring within me… a few of those… so, maybe, just maybe I will be an author… or it could look differently… but I am on the journey… step by step.

Tonight, for my friend, Laura's birthday, we went to see the movie, On the Basis of Sex. The movie told the story of Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Phenomenal. A few of the scenes were of her sitting and typing on a typewriter. Although, I do not have a typewriter, I will write more. I want to write intelligently.. thoroughly.. with purpose.. to make changes.. studying.. learning.. inspiring.. creating change.

And so, I write.

My word for the 2019 year is  ** A L T I T U D E **

I had all of these good ideas, and then so sweetly, God asked if I wanted my word or His. Immediately, my heart responded with a resounding "yours!" A few days later, he gave me the word::

 A L T I T U D E ** the vertical elevation of an object above a surface

He began to teach me, that, to experience the altitude my spirit is craving in my life on every level, I am going to change my rhythms, alter my habits, letting some things go, and clinging to others. I feel like there are things that were okay that will, in this new dimension, be no longer okay… and that makes me very, very excited. New trails to be blazed… new growth… new learning.. with His lead and guiding, it is sure to be incredible…

This month, He has been zeroing in on my rhythms and routines. He is revealing to me, these, exposing them in such a sweet way that is making me WANT to change them, not a forcing, but an inspiringly, calling me to a higher level kind of way! *smile* and it is wonderful!

values tested in the fire and crushing unbelief ^^

I am learning lately that it is one thing to say "This is what I believe" "This is a value in my life" "This is important to me"and it is quite a different reality when you are placed in a situation to live it out.

I don't gossip. I fight to not gossip. I fight to stand in a world of gossip and to walk away. It is quite another when you are sitting with one of your highest leaders and they are asking you to gossip and you stand your ground, stating respectfully it is your value- professionally and personally.

I like me. I have fought for 30 something years to come to a place where I can genuinely, deeply say that. I have lots of growth ahead… and places that need to be sharpened, but I like me. In the face of not being chosen by a man I had growing affections for, I have had to stand strong in the belief that I am a woman worthy of being pursued, adored, and cherished… that I am not a second choice… that I am a leading lady.

I have a wonderful life with amazing friends, a wonderful church, a home that feels like home, a job that I enjoy doing right now… and in the face of the holidays with my two sisters and their fellows, I had to live out that I am enough, even when I am not in a relationship… and that doesn't make me second best in any way… even when well meaning family is throwing that on me.

Over and over… opportunities to live out and step into what I believe.

Today, in Crosspoint Kids, I got the game trophy at the 1:00PM service. They encouraged me on the way I was teaching the kids and keeping them engaged in the small group time. It was an encouragement that echoed exceedingly… and I expressed my thankfulness stating that it is not my natural element and it takes me outside of my comfort zone. Our Kids director encouraged me and challenged my unbelief in myself. Spiritually, it felt like his words and Jaclyn's words were crushing the belief in me that I am not a good teacher. Crushing words that were spoken over me by passed leadership…. it was as if their words were calling me into something higher… deeper…

So, to anyone who may be reading this, I leave you with this… know what you value, believe, your principles and stand strong when the fire tests… and allow the truth of God and what He says about you and who you are define you… not anyone else's assessment of you…. He may and probably will take you to a higher dimension than you ever imagined.

A different kind of Monday evening.

It was Monday evening.

I had a volleyball game, but deep down, I had something I really really needed to do more. Although I missed playing with my team - the Volley Dots, I knew something deeper was happening. After grabbing my journal and sitting with Jesus in the beautiful glow of our Christmas tree, I figured out why I had the ache to not go to my game and instead choose a different evening rhythm. God was revealing to me that He wanted me to let go. Last week I was hurt deeply. The manner to which I was hurt was incredibly similar to wounds I had from my childhood. I have walked through healing of the wounds of my childhood, but it was terrible… and I did not want to do it again, but I know I needed to.  It felt like a nudge from Holy Spirit. As I did, a massive weight came off of me… one I had been holding onto for six days. Six days…. and I felt the toxicity seeping into my heart, mind, soul, and body. I will keep having to forgive this person, but when God gave me the choice. I knew, despite the wounding and pain… I knew what I wanted to choose… So, I chose forgiveness…. not because it was the easy choice, but because I needed to. I want my heart to be soft. I want my heart to be led by Holy Spirit… I want my heart to be loving and peaceful.

When you know what you want, you will make different decisions…. I am learning. I want to be healthy, thus, I make time to plan healthy meals and to run and go to the gym. I want to be debt free, thus, I make time to work my budget and say to no to certain things for that reason. I want to have six pack abs, thus, I need to eat less sugar and do more planks. I want to be married and for my future fellow and I to embark on a God sized love story, thus, I keep my heart rooted in Him while taking risks. I want to improve my writing, thus, I am choosing to write - unedited… to practice. I want to be able to speak Spanish fluently, thus, I need to practice. I want to prioritize time in the outdoors adventuring, thus, I make time and explore.

And I am so glad I knew I need to walk through forgiveness… I feel lighter and more exceedingly full of joy that I did. Forgiveness is hard, but glorious for the human heart, mind, body, and soul. ***