training and preparation ||

A couple Sundays ago, I served in the kids and on the greeting team at the morning services and then decided to attend the evening service. It was slightly warm, slightly cool evening with the early beginnings of an amazing sunset and I looked up and saw a plane flying overhead and oh so gently I whispered to God "I feel like I'm grounded." I love missions and traveling and the past few years have not included much traveling and no missions (that is a long story, but one I now see the why to). Immediately, Holy Spirit spoke so strongly, "What you see as being grounded, like on Top Gun, I see as preparation and training." He began to speak to me that there are things within me that need to be training and prepared and strengthened…some things needing to be pruned and healed and others inputed…. but then---

Monday evening, I looked up and saw a flight smoke line of an airplane or jet and immediately God spoke to my heart that the preparation and training would allow for when I do take off that it would create an explosion of speed and power once lift off did happen.

And then I went to Kairos… I used to go there- it was my home church… but I haven't been back in quite awhile. I went and oh my heart, it was like coming home. When I go home to Ohio, my heart is at rest and present and it creates a deep breath within me, because I'm with the people who make my heart feel at home…but its not home. Its not where I'm supposed to be… my heart is home. That is what I felt. And Chris talked about Chronos versus Kairos..-- "we despise the ordinary, when God is preparing us for the extraordinary…not passively- patiently and proactively… we see time, God sees timing." And then tonight… tonight, I was on a run and ran past the fire station and looked in and saw all of the truck doors open with the helmets and fire fighter uniforms intentionally place nearby the open doors within the fire house.. and it struck me. That. That is how I need to live in this season. Fully engaged. Fully present. And yet, fully prepared for God to break in and move and shift… its not time for roots yet, its time for preparation and training.. and oh so many times it happens in steps.

|| fully engaged and continually surprised ||

I'm falling in love.

Not romantically… well…not yet… there is a man who has captured my eye and heart… but that's another story.

I'm falling in love with people. This last week, I determined to be fully engaged.. laying aside distractions, technology, my random thoughts to be fully fully present. It's created some pretty amazing moments that have taken my breathe away.

Last Sunday it started with 2 UTurns to go the Juice Bar. I ended up sitting and talking to a girl sitting next to me as she waited on her drink. Sarah. She was lovely and had a lovely story… she was heading to spend time with a friend who is a caretaker for her parents and is exhausted. I gave her my card and told her to call or email if she need any resources of any sort to help her. God thing.

Wednesday, I think I'm headed to a community night at one of my churches campuses with a group from our greeting team. After realizing I am in the wrong location, I am invited to stay, so, I relish the fact that my other plan for the evening was thwarted, so, I stay and embrace the evening. Following a pretty fantastic game of ping pong, I sit to eat pizza with some teenagers and a guy sits next to me and after discussing pizza toppings, we build a friendship. Rayshawn. We end up sharing the evening together with giant Jenga and taking part in an epic small group conversations. We are completely different, but for an evening, I felt like a friend and a big sister.

Thursday after some amazingggg sand volleyball with friends and ice*cream, I went to TJ Maxx for a last minute gift. After getting into the really really long line, I determine to not touch my phone, and to allow for any random moments to just come. I meet a girl who works for a Hospice company. Taylore. We end up talking and sharing stories the entirety of the line and exiting the store, we exchange cards and relish the serendipity of the moment.

Saturday, after a run, I decide to grocery shop to prep meals for the week. I go to Kroger and as I am casually lingering in the aisles, as I am walking past an aisle, a sweet lady asks me if I like her hat. Clara. It's a rustic cowboy hat. I think she just wants to do know how beautiful it looks on her. When, in reality, she thinks Kroger is selling it, come to find out, its been abandoned and after encouragement, she ends up talking to the Kroger employees and takes it home.

I am learning that sometimes love looks like the little moments. Sometimes love looks like just listening. Sometimes love comes in a smile or a hug. Sometimes love looks like just being present, fully engaged, and ready to be surprised.

warrior princess ****

*** a love story set in the midst of war ***

This paradigm of life and our world is my favorite. And yet, lately, the past couple of weeks, all I have been feeling is the war part. Oy vey. I'm an extrovert who in more moments than I would like where life has created a more introverted life. I reach out and friends talk about wanting to spend time together, and then no action. I've been accused a lot of doing the wrong thing, the wrong method, while within myself knowing that I didn't… but choosing to keep my mouth closed. I literally spoke strongly out loud to myself in my office today, "Amy, keep your mouth shut." Everything in me wanted to defend myself and the knowledge I have and yet, sometimes, just keeping my mouth shut is better for my soul.  I keep feeling slighted and yet being reminded, so many moments like this, I am learning are moments where my flesh needs to die and I need to sacrifice. I need to keep my mouth shut. I need to choose love over choosing to be right. Moments where as my pride and my flesh is dying and suffocating create moments for my Spirit rise up… for Jesus to cultivate and grow more of Him and less of me. That statement seems cheesy and religiouso and yet, its truth. I remember Belinda, the leader of my Haiti missions trip, challenged us with--- in a fight, what dog will win? Answer- the one you feed. When I'm feeding my flesh and allowing it to voice whatever complaints or frustrations, when I hold onto feeling slighted, when I choose to defend myself, I'm choosing to feed my flesh. It doesn't matter the circumstances or the why… what am I choosing. Am I choosing love despite if its reciprocated.. am I choosing to seek out people because people are always worth it… am I choosing to keep my mouth open and use it as an opportunity to exercise generosity on what the behind the scenes story could tell… am I choosing that what my God says about me, His love all around me, and that He knows the truth matters more. I'm learning that when I live from a place of knowing that I am loved, I am able to impact more, love more, and serve more. In the end, that's what matters. I talk about death and face what it is like for a person to know that the end of their life and the time they have invested in near at my job. It really and truly is a continual reminder, that eternity is so close. Eternity and all of the investments are going to matter more than the moments where I stood up for myself and chose to be right more than to love. So, I fight. I fight the flesh warring within me. I fight the enemy seeking to steal, kill, and destroy. I will always fight for people. I will fight for people to know they are loved by a God who is deeply passionate for and about them. I will keep fighting to kill my flesh.. the more I fail, the more I learn. The more I am so constantly reminded that I am so desperately in need of the grace of my God. And yet, I will live loved. I will allow the wounds I have caused myself and the wounds that have been done to me will not define me. The wounds will allow me to be a wounded healer. The wounds will empower me to be a warrior. I'm not giving up.

Because in the end, it will be probably continue to be a messy journey… but I have faith to believe that the story my God is writing in and through my life, will be more than I can think, ask, or imagine on a larger canvas than even I can imagine. And, I have a pretty epic and killer imagination, as a very powerfully visual girl!

dreams awakening**

Oh the measure of what has been happening in my heart and soul this week is more than I can right now begin to put into words. What happens when the dream with the deepest part of you is standing in front of you? Will you still stand with confidence? Will you still trust the lead of God when it seems like the riskiest and scariest moment?? Will you still step out and dance when it would be oh so much safer and easier to just be still?? Oh but to step out, dance, speak up and risk are worth it. I can't stop smiling and I love it!!

worth the risk……..

I am determined to be radical generous. Its a personal value. It looks easier and harder in different seasons. When every penny contributes to a bigger picture, sometimes its harder to be generous, but as much as I fail, I will succeed. Because my company, my job doesn't provide for me, my God does. Papa. Oh Papa is so good… He provides, He always does. So, one avenue of radical generosity is supporting my friend Pete, his wife, and their son. They are part of an incredible ministry called Mission Aviation Fellowship. Pete is a pilot. He lives with his family in Indonesia and they are making beautiful, powerful, life saving eternal investments there. Pete was one of my dear friends I met on day one of a year long internship I did in Texas. We met on the sand volleyball court, were brother/sister cores together, and it was a seasonally powerful friendship! So, because my heart is so for him, it breaks down "missionary" and support missions. I knew that man. Anyways, I choose to be generous as much as I can to them. They send out letters which is so amazing sharing stories from their everyday lives that inspires, encourages, and speaks life to me. Ah-mazing. So, the most recent letter includes this beautiful section-----

To preface, his wife Joy shared a really intense day of flights that Pete made one day to assist with numerous medical emergencies and she writes--

"When he finally did make it home, he was spent, but in the good kind of way. The kind where you've drained the day instead of letting it drain you. One of our friends defines rest as "moving at the pace of God." Some days that means retreating, being still, knowing that He is God, and resting in the truth that there's nothing we need to do to earn His love or secure our identity. And other days it can mean sweating for nine hours and then going to the hospital to pray for a stranger. If God is inviting us into the story, whatever it may be for the day or the week or the season, then we're moving at His pace. We're living in a state of rest. May you stay engaged and present in whatever story God has called you into, friends. May you listen to the voice that tells you to be still and rest, and may you listen to the same voice when it urges you to press in."

Today was a slower pace day of preparing for a fully engaged week ahead. Organizing, Exercising, Meal Planning, a Cheesy Country Music Singing movie…. a slower day, which is substantially opposed to the normal rhythms of my day at work, so, it was much needed. From my early morning wake up call from my canine roommates, I found this clear tact. Simple, random…absolutely. In the midst of the day, it traveled to random places, but never quite found a spot and then tonight, part of my lovely string lights in my room felt in one place and lo and behold, needed additional support from that simple and random tact. And as random moments like this do, it stirred up my thinking. How many times in my life have I seen things in myself, story lines of my life, or a "random friendship" and wondered if it had a place, and as time passed, I was able to see the why.

The why of how since I was a little girl, I have loved being given a challenge and have a deep seeded determination to conquer, defy, or find an answer. Now, with the families I work with, that has become such a strength everyday at my job. Or my ability to just stand in the tension and awkward of life, and how many countless times that has been a strength in my job. Or even my strange way to create therapy sessions through scrapbooking..nerdy, absolutely-- and yet, it creates space for me to heal, grow, develop, and process life.

So, what are those tacts in your life, what are those things that seem random and simple, what if we allowed the risk, the fight, the waiting to make way for those to become a strength. Because Papa is a good good God, He is always worth the risk.

**********************

So, I am living in a city I would have never imagined living in. I remember visiting a friend who lived in this city thinking about how lovely it would be to run along the routes in this area of town… to live just around the corner from Whole Foods… but thinking that I didn't think I really would want to do that. When my sister was moving to this city, she was talking with a friend of ours and they were sharing about how they both liked this city, I even had a very obvious thought about not wanting to… its a fancy part of town, and yet, here I am. My bedroom window looks out to the street where I literally said that I'm not a dreamer… it was only because God had asked me to surrender so many of my favorite dreams, that I just surrendered to not dreaming again. I have been dreaming like crazy for the past year and its a sweet reminder to keep dreaming and seeking the extraordinary dreams. On a walk, I whispered how much fun it would be to live in this city and now, here I am. Its but a season, but I am enjoying it. So, so, thankful.
--------------------------------------

Papa, you are worth the risk. ****

My Word.

Weaved through seasons of my life, I have seen words become highlighted. Words that have created and refined growth in and through me. Right now, my word is sustainability. I'm only beginning to explore the deep cave of what that word encompasses. Oh, it is a lovely journey!!!

a tornado of emotion…..****

This week at work and in life has been rough. The very word rough has even taken a more intense definition. State was at our facility the first half of the week which sets everyone on edge and since I work with multiple department heads, it created some chaos. The stress expanded emotions. Many were short with each other, lashing out some, and overall creating a frustrating work environment. Add to that some inner chaos with the community of my life and it was a rough combination. It all culminated in a patient discharge suddenly shifting creating me to be at work substantially longer than I anticipated. The last hour of working I could feel myself swirling in a tornado of emotions, but try as I might, I could not find ground and the swirling intensified. I shut out those who tried a little to help- if someone would have fought to swirl with me, I may have opened up, but it was the mere- I see that something is wrong and I'm afraid to ask what, but I'm going to anyways. It was kind, but not what I needed. Everytimeeee I feel this way, I think of when Rory from Gilmore Girls quoted a literary passage- "When I feel as if I want to hit everyone's hats off, I go out to sea." I tried to coax myself into just letting it all go… but I couldn't. I had a volleyball game at work. Something in me thought that maybe volleyball in the refreshing way it works within my soul that it could be helpful to go instead of just going home, so, I went to the game. About one-third of the way through our match, one of my teammates said something to me and normally, it would have been incredibly simple to just brush off and walk on…. it pushed me over the top, and slowly, but surely the tears start pouring down my face. Thankfully at first I was in the back court, so, no one really noticed, but slowly but surely, my teammates realized something was going on… and try as I might to contain myself, the tears got stronger and stronger and stronger. By the time the first match ended, I was full on crying. After good gaming everyone, I ran to the women's locker room with the intent to either contain myself or to leave. Eventually, I was able to contain myself and we finished the remaining matches. Driving home, it baffled me how I was not able to contain the emotions swirling within me. I cried during a volleyball match. I mean seriously, that is a brand new level of emotion.

I feel so much. All. Of. The. Time. It's why once I fall for a man, it takes me years to let go fully. It's why I am a great friend, because I am fully engaged with each one on a heart level. It's also what makes me a great social worker. Because although I may not understand what it feels like to have cancer, or have the possibility of your independence taken away.. or wonder how may more days I will get with those I love the most… I am fully engaged at the heart level and I learn how a patient feels and what is the root behind the fruit. It's the feeling that sets me apart as a professional. Stephanie, who I work with, she does it too.. its what strengthens us at our jobs! And yet, in moments when I feel everything, it makes me want to go on the other side of the spectrum and not feel anything… and yet that would be stripping me of my strength. Okay, so back to the car, I'm driving home thinking about how interesting it was that I cried in the middle of the volleyball game. In the midst of the thought, God intervened. He spoke. He taught me a powerful concept- the way a leader handles or doesn't handle their feelings affects each one they lead. Whether the leader lashes out in the midst of high emotions, shuts down and retreats, reacts in fear, vocal reacting through rants… those the leader leads are affected. He began to teach me that he wanted to teach me emotionally healthy fortitude. To feel the emotions and be able to react intentionally in such a way as to feel the emotion and process in a healthy way- not as a machine, but in a healthy way. I thought it was a bad day and yet God was teaching me that he was refining me in the fire.

Oh how I love the way He leads and teaches me.

Fun, side note, I shared this with a lady at work about what God was teaching me. Telling her this is what God spoke, the look on her face was hopeful wonder. It is funny to say, but I know His voice and His voice is my favorite. I never want to take it for granted.

***beautiful*** beautifully captured by Tim McGraw & Faith Hill

Can we just begin this with the beauty of this song… and oh how this calls out what the heart of a woman truly wants from a man. We just want to be genuinely cherished and loved….. truly.

ninja kicking my fear and fighting for my God**

Sometimes fear strangles me…suffocates me… paralyzes me. I hate it… but it's true. Sometimes I allow it..and I don't fight back. I want to fight back and not be strangled, suffocated, or paralyzed.. I want to speak into the fear when I'm in the middle of it. I felt God calling me to jump off a cliff.. and for three weeks, I shy'd away… and still He pursued me. Different churches, different podcasts all talking about the same thing… one would think it would plunge into my fear.. and yet it took some time for me to get there. I got there… oh the patience of my God as He waited…waited for me to be ready… to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. He gets me every time… there are things and people who are irresistible to my heart almost instantaneously- brussels sprouts, cookie butter, chocolate milk, my best friend Meagan… the list is more than that… but that is the tip of the ice-burg. However, the all time irresistible anything to my heart is my God. In pain, in joy, in the mountain top moments, in the fire… still He is irresistible. So, three weeks later, I jumped… I jumped off of the cliff…. and you know what, as scary and fear filled as I thought the jump would be, it feels pretty great. So, what does ninja-kicking my fear look like these days- cliff jumping when I want to relax on the cliff… sending a humbling email to someone I didn't follow through on a commitment to, and seeing my fear and calling it out whether I allow it to take control or I take control in that moment, I'm calling it out… and seeing the strength of my muscles grow as I fight it… and I'm determined to do a little more ninja kicking and a little less being strangled, suffocated, and paralyzed.

In Exodus, there is this pretty great verse in chapter 14 verse 14 that says- "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Beautiful, right? Powerful? Absolutely… I have seen my Lord do that for me. I have seen and experiencing Him fighting for me even in moments I did not even know I needed to be fought for. Lately, however, I'm experiencing a twist- what does it look like for me to fight for Him? What does it look like to show the enemy that I want Him more than I want what culture throws in my face that I want? What if I show Him I want Him that I want Him through generosity more than consumerism? What if I show Him I want to go on date nights with Him and fall deeply in love with Him as I await Him to awaken a love story with a fellow one day? What if I fight for Him when I choose love in my words instead of giving into gossip? What if I fight for Him as I choose humility when it would be so easy to boost my pride?

Even since a little girl, I've said I don't want to just have God as my Best Friend…. I want to be His friend where He feels at home. I am not about to debate the theology of that, but He created us for relationship. He created us because He WANTED a world with us…He didn't need us… He WANTED us… and chose us… "as we were busy hating God, He was busy loving us."… It's time, its time for me to fight for Him- when its messy, uncomfortable, awkward, uncommon, confusing, and when I don't think I'm worthy of it… my worth is found in Him… and I refuse to allow anything to keep me from fighting for my God!

On a fun and random note, 8 Sand Volleyball games later, I feel every single muscle in my body. Oy. Oh Oh Oh so worth it… but Oh my.

accelerating generations….

One time my Mom stated to me that she saw the intersection of my future husband and I like a boat turning in the waters. She saw our singleness seasons separately being one to work through baggage, wounds, pains… empowering us when we come together to be able to explode into our story together.

I see that… now being in my thirties and not seeing my future husband or any person on the horizon. I have a deep rooted hope and peace that he is alive in this world and our story will be starting soon… but I now not only see what Mom was saying, but I've been living it out in my world… I feel more freer, more Amy, more beautiful, more light, more comfortable in my own skin, comfortable in my vision, my puzzle piece that I did two weeks ago, two months ago, barely even recognizing the Amy of two years ago. The fires have refined, the painful questions have been faced, the pains/wounds/cycles have been exposed…and oh how it has been a tough journey, but one I would not trade for the world.

I hear of so many marriages in my parents generation that for the first few years were "knock down, drag out" fights. I know my future love and I will have conflict, challenges and such… but I feel like the story I have chosen and walking through the barriers now will empower my husband and I to be able to step into our story when our Kairos timing comes. In the Bible, as time goes on things become faster and more amplified… and I see that from the outside perspective. Two of my most dearest friends have pushed back their wedding date because they want to conquer those barriers… and oh how powerful that is… and beautiful!

I have a lotttt more ground to cover in my own life, but I can see where I've come from… and oh I pray my love feels deeply loved because I chose freedom and walking through the fire instead of around it. And oh how my heart is excited for our story as we explode onto the waters together… and oh he will be so worth the wait…worth the fight… worth the preparation.

Cliff*jumping

One week ago tomorrow God gave me a huge connector puzzle piece for my life. I have had all of these pieces that I loved and yet, it was as if they didn't connect somehow. It seemed they were all met to come together somehow, and yet something was missing. Something wasn't allowing the picture, the dream, the vision to come to life. One week ago tomorrow, God downloaded that into my heart and mind in an instant. Last Sunday evening I processed everything, and with that one whisper and igniting within my heart and soul, everything came together. Everything connected. The pieces that I knewwwww were interconnected, united…in one instant…with one word from my God.

A beautiful sweet moment…right… absolutely…and yet, how did I process it. It was a lot. A lot. One of those big, huge, crazy, this is so big it has to be God and yet where do I go… how I do I process…how do I walk forward… what's my next move…

I said the whole story out loud to one of my best friends from Ohio. I said it and it sounded even crazier coming out of my mouth. Voicing the words that were exploding within me…

It feels like cliff jumping.

There is this man I spent a majority of my twenties with- Danny Wayne. Not romantically- in a crazy, God-orchestrated friendship. I call him my brother… and he calls me his sister. It really was/is. Danny loves adventures… to date his wife and him enjoy those adventures together..and I love it.. because I prayed years upon years for her… and to see her enter his life and start their life together was explosively exciting to my heart… but before Ashley, whenever Danny wanted an adventure to go on, he'd grab me… long, random, crazy road trip adventures; belly caving; the season of ultimate frisbee, frisbee golf, wallyball; hiking of all sorts; oh the stories we have of the adventures we lived… cliff jumping. We went a few times… my most memorable was when I learned how I cliff jump- I climb up the cliff- the 50 foot, the highest, was my favorite… I would hike up and without waiting, allowing myself to analyze… I already knew it was safe because Danny had scoped it all out, I would hike up and jump. Just jump. That's how I've lived my life. God speaks, I jump… and yet, in this season of life, I'm learning to allow process to create the beauty that can only come from process.

So, here I stand. I've climbed up the cliff. God's united these pieces within my soul and I have a picture… well, I have most of this picture… I have believed for yearsssss that my future husband, whomever, that man shall be has the other half to the pieces… and yet, I'm not a half of a picture…I just feel like he is going to expand the picture I have….. anyways… so, here I stand on this cliff.. wanting to just jump… while learning the beauty in process… the beauty in seasons… the beauty in allowing it ripen and the power of God orchestrated Kairos timing.

So, how have I handled standing on said cliff longing to just jump… even if it hurts when I hit that water and I feel in over my head… I have done anything to distract myself- I've allowed my flesh to win over my spirit so many times it makes my heart hurt and my head dizzy… I've analyzed, trying to figure how all of this is going to look and work the plan, while reminding myself to keep on letting go… I've failed. I've not leaned into my God… I have not allowed the silence and the waiting to cultivate something beautiful…. I've persistently pursued the conversation… while knowing in the back of my head… the beauty of process… and that He's leading. A couple days ago after work, listening to The Dave Ramsey Show in traffic I was awakened from these terribly horrible coping mechanisms as I stand on the cliff waiting for my time to jump… he was talking about how everyone says they are going to change their financial habits tomorrow.. they are going to shake off the failure… and how do they start and he began to speak this phrase over and over…. "Get Ready- Get Set- Go." Each time he said it was as if the lies that the enemy had been bathing all over me as I stand on the cliff face waiting and yet fully trusting the orchestrations and timing of God that Holy Spirit was revitalizing and injecting hope… grace… peace…. trust… and His unending, fierce, wonderful love within my spirit and shaking off the dust.

So, here I stand… on the cliff face… ready to jump.. but fully, wholeheartedly, trusting the lead of my God.

my soul feels alive… and it feels incredible!

Within the past two to three weeks, my heart and soul have never felt more alive.

I went through a 2-3 month spread where despite being in the middle of a dream come to life through this amazing and incredible job, I felt not fully like me. I was enjoying my job to a great level, but not the me on the outside of my job. If anyone had asked, I would have said I was not okay. Four people did… I was not okay.

Now on the other side, I'm grasping what I learned:   >>>--------->

Sometimes it's okay to not be okay.

God is a God of process and He works in and through process.

Sometimes it just takes making changes, stepping out, and choosing action.

Sometimes, it is about standing in the tension and allowing the tension to cultivate in you more than you could ever know.


Last week was pretty amazing. My new church I have been jumping into is in a fast. This past Sunday, we were challenged to share with someone around us a celebration and a struggle we came across. I share the celebration which was the incredible amount of dreaming I did--- night after night--- Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night… Deep. Prophetic. Inspirational. Hope filled. Really deep. So much so, on Thursday night I woke up at 1:30AM and went back to sleep until I woke up again at 3:30AM… I didn't want to dream again just yet… so I got up and went to the gym and enjoyed a longer morning before getting ready to go to work.

One of my favorite began with me flying as a pilot weaving in and out of other planes and then arriving at a "vacation destination" where, after walking into this majestically gorgeous home filled with a large group of people, I knew, I was in The Christmas Carol but with the men I have loved.  Hilarious and yet so deep.

I played volleyball tonight and it was awesome. I just love and owe so so much to the sport of volleyball. Since I started playing in high school, I have played many, many, many years… and I'm not so great at it… part of me wishes I was moreso… and I am trying to improve… but, I realized that was my parent's thing to do together- sand volleyball… I remember going to games as a little kid. I began thinking back on the sport of volleyball and I have met 90% of my closest, most dearest people in my life through the sport of volleyball throughout the years… indoor and sand… I think I'll be playing volleyball in heaven!!!!

Concept that I see everywhere--- songs, movies, conversations, work, with friends---- PROCESS ** and the beauty of process.

reflections and dreams **

I've realized the more I reflect on 2016 that for me, 2016 would be my bad girl year. Maybe I needed more of an edge than the previous Amy. Oh I can only imagine if the graduating from high school Amy could see me now, she would be surprised and in awe, I'm sure… well, in my eyes, I have a bad girl side after this year. Two of the many radical things that happened this year are that I have a record now. I have a misdemeanor on my record for reckless speeding. No thank you to the state of Virginia. I went a little under 30 years without even having a speeding ticket on my record… and now I have a record. Dear Virginia, you should be nice and at least post the speed limit you are going to ticket people for. Injustice. And I got served papers. At my job. It's a long…ridiculous story that ended in my in a room with a lawyer setting terms as he commented on the deliciousness of the J. Alexander's food. Hilarious and crazy surreal. Those are merely the tip of the iceberg. The thing is those may seem minor and not the end of the world moments. They are moments that can be dealt with. However, through the course of the year they were mere fruit of a deeper root.

I can barely remember what podcast I was listening to, oh, but I remember the speaker talking about the oldest child usually being the rule follower. As an oldest child, I laughed out loud. Literally, I giggled out loud thinking I was the outlier. Yes, I was never the rebellious child, I was always the stubborn one bucking the system, especially at home with my family. So, I laughed. Thinking maybe other oldest child children, but not I.

From that point on, I began to wake up to all of the insanely many ways I was a rule follower. Making my bed, following the strict dress code we have at my job with passion, what time I have to leave my house to get to work, 5 minutes early is on time/ on time is late, what to say in friendships, how to act in romantic relationships, what am I allowed to say, allowed to do this or that, the rule following ness within me was all around me. I didn't see it until I giggled at that podcast. After that I saw it everywhere. Granted, rules are great. Most are wise… and smart… and I am not saying that I will always from this point on being a rule breaker. I would say these days I am learning to break a few more rules. Rules that have been set up on what I can and cannot do. I'm breaking more rules these days. There are 7 words I had wanted to say to a person, I said them. I allowed myself to dress like a professional quirky Amy a few days at work, and have discovered some professional and yet Amy fun work outfits in my closet. I'm learning to go against the crowd. I'm learning that I will always fight to follow the rules of my God, but that I have lines and rules that a person created, that I don't have to or need to follow. It makes me excited for more adventures. Deeper relationships. Sweeter moments. Being fully present and not needing to follow rules. Sometimes you need to read the instructions manual…. but sometimes its fun to mess up until you figure it out without the manual. I feel like stepping outside of the rule follower part of me is stripping away layers of protectiveness to reveal the real genuine Amy Nicole I was created to be. And I really like her. She's a beautiful mess who is fighting to break down the barriers, insecurities, fears, and the lies and to walk, live, and love well.

As a piece of my job, I do assessments with all of my patients. These assessments allow me to get to know them better while accessing an insurance created assessment tool we are required to use. I begin with a few questions to break the ice. One is asking if they are married. I've been working at my job since the fall of 2016 and one of the greatest realizations I have discovered is a concept I was introduced to "the starter marriage." If I am being completely honest, many may have this as a part of their story, but there is something within that terminology that makes my heart, mind, spirit, and soul want to vomit. It shatters my heart and to use another word I do not like at all- it infuriates me. The majority of the patients I interview about their marriages are on their second marriage. I'd say about 90% of the time, the first marriage only lasted between 3-5 years. The second marriage is usually anywhere from 20-50+ years. So, yes, many in that generation married young and they talk about our generation putting off marriage and getting married later. But what if, we are rule breakers. We've decided we don't want to get married to just get married, but we want love. We want a marriage. We want a marriage that stirs our dreams on. We want a missional marriage. We want a love that fights for each other. We don't want a safe cozy love, we want a love that challenges and calls us deeper. What if? Some won't, but some will. Short term sacrifices for long term benefits. I've always said I want to be free and ready, so, whenever, my husband and my story intersects, I'm ready. And yet, I think it's like a lot of couples who say they want to be ready for a baby and in reality, you're never really fully ready… because life is life…. but I can say, this amy is a more amazing than she was and I'm going to get even more amazing because I'm running after my God and I'm not letting up. I'm going all in… and I won't stop. He is want I want… my Lord, my Savior… He is everything.

So, as I journey into 2017, I'm recaliberating, reassessing and breaking a few more rules these days… and it feels incredible!