i love birthdays.
everyone else's and mine.
this birthday was not good… colossally not good.
but tonight. i realized one perspective of the why.
ultimately, i felt not known.
we want to be known. we want to feel seen. and every gift given to me aside from five spoke to my heart to be not known. i am not even a gift receiver. i would far more prefer a card with real and genuine words, or simply being fully present. everything else, i want to exchange, give away, or get rid of. Honestly. One friend simply came and was fully present…. it meant so so much.
My five: 60 hikes in 60 miles book, a card with the gift of a friend date, a journal, a beautiful yellow plate and a steel water bottle.
Every other gift made me queazy. Most stereotypical. But all spoke to me of being not known. Even a few were my least favorite color- teal. Some might say, see the heart… how… I would rather nothing than those. Oy.
Maybe that's why some friends, I don't get gifts, until I find the perfect one, even if its late.
It feels good to know the root of why it all hurt so much.. it doesn't change it. But, it feels so good to see the root. Oy.
This was on top of a horrid morning and a rocky afternoon. This is really hard. I have cried more this week than the past months upon months. It's one thing after another.
I need to digress.
I think I realized why I lean into one of my friends. Too much. I didn't come to the friendship to want anything, but because I felt known. He made me feel known. When whirlwind moments came or storms… I felt known and cared for. God is my refuge. And yet, in those moments, my friend, he felt like a refuge in human form…with a listening ear, a bit of humor, and speaking God's truth. I know I need to take a step away from that friendship. Not a step out of that friendship now, but a step in a healthy direction, in healthy communication.
A sweet reminder of the power of knowing people, being known, and loving people well.
and my heart is full of hope for year 34. **
