Home was lovely....refreshing.... so much love and lots of hugs. It was incredible being with my family, but now, I just feel so out and about and the real me was left in Cincinnati. Why is it that it's so hard to be me here.... weird.
Well maybe if there is less of me...than there is more of Him.... i just feel so alone all over again... from my first moments out of the airport, my first contact was being looked over as someone else was noticed. I don't need to be the center of attention, but I miss community. Quality community.
"to everything there is a season and a purpose for every activity under heaven." - ecclesiastes
I believe it... it doesn't make it easy though. I have hope for 2012. Somehow lately through a few conversations, I am holding onto my dreams for life and this next year. Despite how I feel.. despite emotions...real as they may feel or i may think they may be...i'm holding onto Jesus, with every part of who I am!!!!!!
Hello 2012... *smile*
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
*smile*
oh dear husband, I long for you...to spend life with you...but i will keep on waiting... because seriously, you are worth the wait!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Toooo-Ues- DAY.... *smile*
one of those days when I feel like me...and i love being me. so so refreshing!!!
**"You never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave.. and you never promised that this life wasn't hard, but You promised that You'd take care of me."****
**"and i'll trust You God with where I am and believe that You're going to have your way."**
So many questions, so many uncertainties...and yet I trust. I don't know and yet I trust Him with all of my heart. In this season, I've had Jesus. That's it... it's been a season of friendships withheld and yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thursday, i'll have been in Kansas City for four months and I can't think of four months (not in an internship) where I have been more stretched, challenged, and feel like a different person after. I feel like a different girl...yes, I still am a human who is fighting for her relationship with Jesus, I crave my future husband to run after and seek me out and pursue me, and I struggle to fight for not wasting my time, and i fall short in so many areas of my life where I want to thrive, but I'm doing it with Jesus... my relationship with Him has matured... and His love is sweet to my taste...His love satisfies more than I can express. And that, it makes the crazy Missouri season of life, these insane drivers, lack of country-ness, human loneliness, no hugs season all worth it. (i did get a side hug on Saturday...love those!! *smile* )
i really do like my job and the people I work with...they really are an amazing group of people and my heart is so for them... amazing dreams within their hearts, they are all so full of greatness! love it!
see...there are these random moments of Kansas City where the choosing to enjoy becomes actually enjoying it *smile*
ps: apparently Kansas City is nicknamed the "City of Fountains." Interesting KC fact, eh? *smile*
**"You never said the road would be easy, but you said that you would never leave.. and you never promised that this life wasn't hard, but You promised that You'd take care of me."****
**"and i'll trust You God with where I am and believe that You're going to have your way."**
So many questions, so many uncertainties...and yet I trust. I don't know and yet I trust Him with all of my heart. In this season, I've had Jesus. That's it... it's been a season of friendships withheld and yet I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thursday, i'll have been in Kansas City for four months and I can't think of four months (not in an internship) where I have been more stretched, challenged, and feel like a different person after. I feel like a different girl...yes, I still am a human who is fighting for her relationship with Jesus, I crave my future husband to run after and seek me out and pursue me, and I struggle to fight for not wasting my time, and i fall short in so many areas of my life where I want to thrive, but I'm doing it with Jesus... my relationship with Him has matured... and His love is sweet to my taste...His love satisfies more than I can express. And that, it makes the crazy Missouri season of life, these insane drivers, lack of country-ness, human loneliness, no hugs season all worth it. (i did get a side hug on Saturday...love those!! *smile* )
i really do like my job and the people I work with...they really are an amazing group of people and my heart is so for them... amazing dreams within their hearts, they are all so full of greatness! love it!
see...there are these random moments of Kansas City where the choosing to enjoy becomes actually enjoying it *smile*
ps: apparently Kansas City is nicknamed the "City of Fountains." Interesting KC fact, eh? *smile*
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
my first catholic mass... *smile*... CONSISTENCY
So, 2 Sunday's ago, I went to my first mass at St. Thomas More: Kansas City... it was quite interesting.. walking into the building, I realized that I had parked on the opposite side of the sanctuary. So, I walked down a hall and got into an elevator where I was smashed in with about 5 other senior citizens. The elevator was super tiny and didn't make any noise moving. It was quite the welcoming adventurous experience.... so, I walked in to the sanctuary past the "holy water" and I observed a few going past using the holy water and doing the Catholic cross body sign. I decided a back pew might be the best. So, I slipped in to the middle. I noticed a very subdued atmosphere as I looked around. People weren't greeting and hugging each other as had always been a familiar scene growing up in church. A couple moved into the pew next to me. They didn't make eye contact although I was ready with a smile. They simply sat, lowered their kneeling bench and then proceeded to kneel. With pensive looks upon their faces, I wondered if they were praying, talking to Jesus about life, removing guilt from sins of the past week, or getting into a mindset of "church." The bulletin that I picked up as I walked in (there were no welcoming people) was huge... including all of the activities, needs, and events, even two and half pages of ad's. There were alter boys and girls... and it made me think and imagine what it could looked like to see my Dad as an altar boy. He's shared with us his altar boy experiences. *smile*
Apparently, I had joined on the second Sunday of advent. Advent just intrigues me...it's this adventurously, expectant waiting... waiting for God, waiting for Jesus to be born... a lovely perspective of Christmas. So, throughout the service, there were many sit-down, stand-up's. I attempted to keep up throughout the passages read and read back. I knew a couple from watching "While You Were Sleeping"- one of my favorite movies. The priest intrigued me. He would speak in this voice while he was reading from the Bible and then once while giving announcements, he had this genuine voice where I could picture him having a very Grandpa nature. I wondered why there was a different tone for each. I did grasp that the Catholic religion has a lot of consistency. This particular Sunday there were a group of about 15 people who were joining the Catholic religion. They even were asked to share what they expected from the Catholic church. It's interesting how when people have children, they want them to grow up in church. There were a few songs to celebrate the second Sunday of advent. I found the "peace be with you" hand-shaking time interesting. This was the only time that people even acknowledged me. They turned and with a smile and warm handshake said "peach be with you." And then again no eye contact. Then communion time came, I had learned in my research of Catholicism to not take communion as a visitor. So, I just observed. I found it quite interesting that everyone used the same cup to take a drink out of and the priest would wipe the cup with the same cloth between each member, except for couples standing next to each other...they would both drink, and then the priest would wipe the cup. About half the row in front of me left after communion.. there were a few more readings and hymns to sing and then we were dismissed. The dismissal was the fastest I have ever seen in my life. I was wondering if there was something going on afterwards. Even in a doorway, two adults ended up squeezing through together because one didn't let the other go first.
Consistency. Consistency is the word that I would place with what I learned about the Catholic denomination. They say the same phrases, the same every week with slight differences. I am learning that there is something that consistency does to your life. Whether that comes in through your time with God, physical exercise, learning something, practicing, investing into friendships. A lot of life can be broken and/or repaired through consistency. However, my heart ached for the people around me to know Jesus. To know His heart of love and how He enjoys them despite their human-ness and that they are loved just as they are. When I moved to allow my row to walk and get communion, I looked up and saw a guy who also didn't go up and take communion. It looked like he was with his family. He looked completely weighed down... whether by guilt, condemnation, or awkwardness... even his posture was limp, shoulders down, and face downward. During the first part of communion, I went into intercession over him- that he would encounter the love of Jesus in a deeper way. However, consistency... behold the power and consistency. As long as the heart is still soft.
That evening I got into conversation with one of my tables I was serving, we ended up talking about God, TOMS, Missouri craziness and churches in Kansas City. The table was two personable, business men waiting on the rest of their party. When I told them about going to my first mass, they asked me what I thought. One gentlemen shared that growing up Catholic, the consistency was equal to boring for him. He seemed like a man who loved God and his family, but didn't like the religious aspects.
It was definitely an experience and I'm so glad that I went to know.
ps: ONE WEEK and I get to go home for Christmas... *smile*
"I'll be home for Christmas."
Apparently, I had joined on the second Sunday of advent. Advent just intrigues me...it's this adventurously, expectant waiting... waiting for God, waiting for Jesus to be born... a lovely perspective of Christmas. So, throughout the service, there were many sit-down, stand-up's. I attempted to keep up throughout the passages read and read back. I knew a couple from watching "While You Were Sleeping"- one of my favorite movies. The priest intrigued me. He would speak in this voice while he was reading from the Bible and then once while giving announcements, he had this genuine voice where I could picture him having a very Grandpa nature. I wondered why there was a different tone for each. I did grasp that the Catholic religion has a lot of consistency. This particular Sunday there were a group of about 15 people who were joining the Catholic religion. They even were asked to share what they expected from the Catholic church. It's interesting how when people have children, they want them to grow up in church. There were a few songs to celebrate the second Sunday of advent. I found the "peace be with you" hand-shaking time interesting. This was the only time that people even acknowledged me. They turned and with a smile and warm handshake said "peach be with you." And then again no eye contact. Then communion time came, I had learned in my research of Catholicism to not take communion as a visitor. So, I just observed. I found it quite interesting that everyone used the same cup to take a drink out of and the priest would wipe the cup with the same cloth between each member, except for couples standing next to each other...they would both drink, and then the priest would wipe the cup. About half the row in front of me left after communion.. there were a few more readings and hymns to sing and then we were dismissed. The dismissal was the fastest I have ever seen in my life. I was wondering if there was something going on afterwards. Even in a doorway, two adults ended up squeezing through together because one didn't let the other go first.
Consistency. Consistency is the word that I would place with what I learned about the Catholic denomination. They say the same phrases, the same every week with slight differences. I am learning that there is something that consistency does to your life. Whether that comes in through your time with God, physical exercise, learning something, practicing, investing into friendships. A lot of life can be broken and/or repaired through consistency. However, my heart ached for the people around me to know Jesus. To know His heart of love and how He enjoys them despite their human-ness and that they are loved just as they are. When I moved to allow my row to walk and get communion, I looked up and saw a guy who also didn't go up and take communion. It looked like he was with his family. He looked completely weighed down... whether by guilt, condemnation, or awkwardness... even his posture was limp, shoulders down, and face downward. During the first part of communion, I went into intercession over him- that he would encounter the love of Jesus in a deeper way. However, consistency... behold the power and consistency. As long as the heart is still soft.
That evening I got into conversation with one of my tables I was serving, we ended up talking about God, TOMS, Missouri craziness and churches in Kansas City. The table was two personable, business men waiting on the rest of their party. When I told them about going to my first mass, they asked me what I thought. One gentlemen shared that growing up Catholic, the consistency was equal to boring for him. He seemed like a man who loved God and his family, but didn't like the religious aspects.
It was definitely an experience and I'm so glad that I went to know.
ps: ONE WEEK and I get to go home for Christmas... *smile*
"I'll be home for Christmas."
Monday, December 12, 2011
monday...monday...monday...
monday's are so strange not working the morning/lunch shift... i awoke after having a few strange dreams... had some breakfast, washed my bed linens, and i have just finished some random leaf raking... and my thoughts were alive.
i've noticed a trend here in kansas city...and i don't know if i just never realized this because this community is tremendously different than any other community that i have been a part of. i will not go into details of good or bad different. i'm just going to stick with different.
people don't trust people very well. kids do, which i love. serving a family at brio, i'll have a table where the kids start telling me their life story as their parents are trying to quiet them. i love the honesty of kids. perhaps it is because i feel the same way. i trust people easily. even multiple times after going through a situation that might have caused a callous. somehow, i continue to trust people. i've always been aware of this difference, but it seems illuminated in situations. i've actually had people tell me in a situation that they don't trust me. i've had people tell me a cryptic story that questions me to wonder why. why are they even speaking cryptically. is it because i've been as genuine as possible and now they feel like they have to. i'd rather have nothing than cryptic, just to be nice ness.. yuck...
there have been moments however with other people where there have been shared moments of honesty and it's been beautiful. to see how a girl who was outright mean to me when i first moved here turn and share honest moments asking for me to be praying with her. it's beautiful.
my heart feels funny now. i was talking with my best friend on the phone last night, it was a conversation of beautiful honesty, vulnerability, and trusting each other. she was sharing moments how you can now understand a mindset, feeling that in the past would have been abstract. my newest one has been. i understand how people walk away from God- not because of God, hating him, but because of His people. my experience with christians has not always been pleasant...this verse sums it up perfectly...
"the watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls." song of songs 5.7
it's been a battle to keep my heart soft...to keep my "cold heart before the blazing fire of Jesus"(Mike Bickle).. bitterness is trying so hard to attach itself to my heart, but no...that is not okay with me. I refuse to allow the chains of others to chain me, to callous me, to beat me down.
hi. my name is amy schulz and i trust people easily. i will continue to love those around me without fear. i will continue to walk in wisdom when people i trust break that trust. i will continue to stand without offense. i will continue to walk in joy despite this crazy world. i choose Jesus and His love and will not submit to the patterns of this world. i choose to fight for my relationship with Jesus that He will be able to flow through me. amen.
if this is ranting, i am sorry... i just want to be genuine and share the good with the rough parts of the adventure... because trailblazing isn't always easy...especially when you are going somewhere without many...and when you choose a path that's hard when you see an easier one. kingdom is worth it. for Jesus to be glorified fully is worth it...
on a fantastic note, EIGHT days until i get to go home for Christmas!!!! It is thrilling and mind blowingly exciting!! i get to go and be with those whom i deeply love, spend time with them, share Jesus' birthday with them (i love birthday's!), and let down my hair and just be me with those who know me best. I don't care what i do, i just want to be with those i love. *smile*
Christmas! Such a beautiful time of year!!! We've had 1 and half snow's... the half was a day of some snowflakes, but nothing substantial at all...
i love Jesus. true story.
on a random note: yesterday, i felt beautiful. You know those days where you look in the mirror and see your beauty. Well, that day for me was yesterday and it was quite lovely and fantastic.... *smile*...
well, i must proceed forward into my day, but i shall do it with the childlikeness that God created with me and choosing to love...regardless *smile*
ps...i'm so ruined for Jesus...*smile*.... true story!!!!
Anthem Lights: Can't Get Over You!!!
i've noticed a trend here in kansas city...and i don't know if i just never realized this because this community is tremendously different than any other community that i have been a part of. i will not go into details of good or bad different. i'm just going to stick with different.
people don't trust people very well. kids do, which i love. serving a family at brio, i'll have a table where the kids start telling me their life story as their parents are trying to quiet them. i love the honesty of kids. perhaps it is because i feel the same way. i trust people easily. even multiple times after going through a situation that might have caused a callous. somehow, i continue to trust people. i've always been aware of this difference, but it seems illuminated in situations. i've actually had people tell me in a situation that they don't trust me. i've had people tell me a cryptic story that questions me to wonder why. why are they even speaking cryptically. is it because i've been as genuine as possible and now they feel like they have to. i'd rather have nothing than cryptic, just to be nice ness.. yuck...
there have been moments however with other people where there have been shared moments of honesty and it's been beautiful. to see how a girl who was outright mean to me when i first moved here turn and share honest moments asking for me to be praying with her. it's beautiful.
my heart feels funny now. i was talking with my best friend on the phone last night, it was a conversation of beautiful honesty, vulnerability, and trusting each other. she was sharing moments how you can now understand a mindset, feeling that in the past would have been abstract. my newest one has been. i understand how people walk away from God- not because of God, hating him, but because of His people. my experience with christians has not always been pleasant...this verse sums it up perfectly...
"the watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls." song of songs 5.7
it's been a battle to keep my heart soft...to keep my "cold heart before the blazing fire of Jesus"(Mike Bickle).. bitterness is trying so hard to attach itself to my heart, but no...that is not okay with me. I refuse to allow the chains of others to chain me, to callous me, to beat me down.
hi. my name is amy schulz and i trust people easily. i will continue to love those around me without fear. i will continue to walk in wisdom when people i trust break that trust. i will continue to stand without offense. i will continue to walk in joy despite this crazy world. i choose Jesus and His love and will not submit to the patterns of this world. i choose to fight for my relationship with Jesus that He will be able to flow through me. amen.
if this is ranting, i am sorry... i just want to be genuine and share the good with the rough parts of the adventure... because trailblazing isn't always easy...especially when you are going somewhere without many...and when you choose a path that's hard when you see an easier one. kingdom is worth it. for Jesus to be glorified fully is worth it...
on a fantastic note, EIGHT days until i get to go home for Christmas!!!! It is thrilling and mind blowingly exciting!! i get to go and be with those whom i deeply love, spend time with them, share Jesus' birthday with them (i love birthday's!), and let down my hair and just be me with those who know me best. I don't care what i do, i just want to be with those i love. *smile*
Christmas! Such a beautiful time of year!!! We've had 1 and half snow's... the half was a day of some snowflakes, but nothing substantial at all...
i love Jesus. true story.
on a random note: yesterday, i felt beautiful. You know those days where you look in the mirror and see your beauty. Well, that day for me was yesterday and it was quite lovely and fantastic.... *smile*...
well, i must proceed forward into my day, but i shall do it with the childlikeness that God created with me and choosing to love...regardless *smile*
ps...i'm so ruined for Jesus...*smile*.... true story!!!!
Anthem Lights: Can't Get Over You!!!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
a beautiful exchange
*smile*
love this... I can't keep my life and what I want... I'm not made for this world...this world cannot satisfy these desires within me... and He comes and chases me and pursues me...
"When only love could make a way, you gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains, You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange"... *smile*
love this... I can't keep my life and what I want... I'm not made for this world...this world cannot satisfy these desires within me... and He comes and chases me and pursues me...
"When only love could make a way, you gave Your life in a beautiful exchange
When only love could break these chains, You gave Your life in a beautiful exchange"... *smile*
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