Hunger...

I'm hungry for God. I may have just ate a banana with almond butter and it twas delicious and nourishing for my physical body. And yet, my soul feels deprived. My soul starves. I want to go deeper. I don't want to live life in comfort, I don't want to be consumed with finding the answer to the next step- the next journey- the next adventure. I wait on Him. I don't know what it will look like, but I have faith big enough to believe that He will lead and guide. We are called to more. He wants to go deeper... but will I make the leap. The leap to run into Jesus, the leap to walk a different road, the leap to not be defined by the culture, the leap to be love.

I don't want to just walk through this life comfortable...even as a comfortable Christian. My soul craves more. I want to make an impact. I want to make a difference. I want to shake this world up. And none of it for my name or even to be remembered. But that people I have an effect on will see Jesus- for real. Not religion, not a do this-do that rules kind of guilt satisfying do gooder-ness, but instead pure, genuine, love... in the midst of my humanness, I only crave God to shine through my weakness.


"Wake up in the morning with the grind for the Most High on our mind."

"Any man who wants our heart will go to Christ knowing its in His possession"

So, I was talking to my amazing and incredible Mom on the phone a few days ago and I was sharing how my heart seems to be exploding with desire for my future husband- whoever he might be. Something rose up in my heart that was a desire deep within me. My Mom spoke forth truth about what sort of muscles that this man will have to have. Not physical muscles, but SPIRITUAL muscles! Seriously! It encouraged my heart and was oh so sweet to my spirit. I want a man that will lead. I want a man that will speak truth, encourage prayer. A man that will get dirty loving people above and beyond being nice and fancy. A man that will WANT to dig into the Word together and glean out the truth in its pages.

Alongside this was this craving to keep growing and being a woman who is worthy of such a man. I want to be a woman to encourage him to go deeper in God. I want to be a wife who will encourage His gifts and contribute mine and all that God has created within me. I want to be a worshipper of God. I want to be a woman who seeks above and beyond all to love her Lord, to seek after Him, and for that continually to be the driving force of my life.

He is going to be worth the wait. I know it. By faith, I know it... but I choose to keep running into Jesus and growing- confronting the things within me that are not like Jesus.

One thing that God revealed to my heart on the way home from work tonight was the selfishness that has come within my heart. This season has been a very solo, solitary kind of timing.... It's been rough, and yet good...however, because I am not fully involved in any person's life here in Kansas City, I have fallen into selfishness in conversation and deed. I want to kick it out- though it may take time and baby steps that enlarge, I will stand against this!

I get to go home for June in 6 days!! I am incredibly and fantastically excited about being home...*smile*... My mind and heart are quite awake. However, my eyeballs are finally submitting to sleep! *smile*

it's a rainy Sunday... it's refreshing! It feels so wonderful to not be at work... to not have to do anything...except I MUST finish cleaning my room... which is in process..

So. Much. So much is going on within my heart right now. I feel almost in tears. How can you long for someone you have not yet met? I long for my future husband. And not because I need him. I really want him. I want to spend my life impacting the world with him. I want to be able to encourage him with the dreams that God has placed inside of his heart. I want to see him achieve the impossible. I want to see him impact millions. And I want to do it with him. I don't know who he is. I don't. I wonder. And yet he doesn't have a face, a personality. But whoever he is, wherever he is on planet Earth. He is worth waiting for. I'm not putting my life on hold for him. I'm moving forward... growing, challenging myself, and running deeper into Jesus. But, all of it... I want to do it with him. I know marriage isn't all rainbows, clouds, and happily ever after days everyday. I want the ordinary and extraordinary with him. I want to fight for him. I want to worship alongside him. I want to not eat or cook certain foods when we eat together because I know he doesn't like those. I want for us to enjoy random adventures. I want us to be able to laugh so hard together and yet cry for those we love...and intercede intentionally for people. I want him to know me so much that he can challenge me and call out areas that he sees within me.

I trust Jesus. I trust His ways. I know that His ways are higher. I know it. And I trust that he has purpose for extending my season of singleness. His timing is best. I know it... but my heart still longs for him.

So, you, whoever you are. Wherever you are... know that you are worth the wait. Know that I love you deeply. I don't even know who you are yet and I love you. Seriously, I can't imagine what our love could look like when I know you. So, to you...human love of my life. The one I have waited twenty-seven years for. I will wait for you. I will not give up. I will press on.

"love...it always perseveres.." 1cor13.7

However, future husband and love, can Jesus and you find me soon! That would be lovely *smile*... I'm excited to meet you and spend my life with you.

Okay...this room must be cleaned!!! *smile*