It was Monday evening.
I had a volleyball game, but deep down, I had something I really really needed to do more. Although I missed playing with my team - the Volley Dots, I knew something deeper was happening. After grabbing my journal and sitting with Jesus in the beautiful glow of our Christmas tree, I figured out why I had the ache to not go to my game and instead choose a different evening rhythm. God was revealing to me that He wanted me to let go. Last week I was hurt deeply. The manner to which I was hurt was incredibly similar to wounds I had from my childhood. I have walked through healing of the wounds of my childhood, but it was terrible… and I did not want to do it again, but I know I needed to. It felt like a nudge from Holy Spirit. As I did, a massive weight came off of me… one I had been holding onto for six days. Six days…. and I felt the toxicity seeping into my heart, mind, soul, and body. I will keep having to forgive this person, but when God gave me the choice. I knew, despite the wounding and pain… I knew what I wanted to choose… So, I chose forgiveness…. not because it was the easy choice, but because I needed to. I want my heart to be soft. I want my heart to be led by Holy Spirit… I want my heart to be loving and peaceful.
When you know what you want, you will make different decisions…. I am learning. I want to be healthy, thus, I make time to plan healthy meals and to run and go to the gym. I want to be debt free, thus, I make time to work my budget and say to no to certain things for that reason. I want to have six pack abs, thus, I need to eat less sugar and do more planks. I want to be married and for my future fellow and I to embark on a God sized love story, thus, I keep my heart rooted in Him while taking risks. I want to improve my writing, thus, I am choosing to write - unedited… to practice. I want to be able to speak Spanish fluently, thus, I need to practice. I want to prioritize time in the outdoors adventuring, thus, I make time and explore.
And I am so glad I knew I need to walk through forgiveness… I feel lighter and more exceedingly full of joy that I did. Forgiveness is hard, but glorious for the human heart, mind, body, and soul. ***
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
Friday, November 16, 2018
Silence, New Trails, and traveling to the darkness **
My voice is going away. I have no idea why. I have no other symptoms… minus a random cough that came today. Today is day four. Everyday it has progressed a little more.. and until the cough that appeared this morning, there were no other symptoms. So strange. I had a pretty full and enjoyable weekend planned. The Nurse Practitioner at worked stated quite abruptly, the only way to heal is vocal rest. So, today, at lunch, I texted all of my previous plans and wiped clean my entire weekend.
This weekend included a Friendsgiving, a Preds game, and serving the kids at church. I need my voice for all of those. And, as a Social Worker, especially for patients who already have a harder time hearing, I need my voice. So, I cleared it all.
It was a bit sad because the plans I made were all exciting and things I was looking forward to. I don't think God caused this to happen. That is not the heart of the God I know. However, this evening, I think… I know He is using it.
This life, our world is inundated with noise. From our phones and social media, to the radio, to the people all around us that our lives come into contact with… the music we listen to, the posts we read, the articles we browse, the podcast we dive into… its. everywhere. Noise.
"So He said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord.' And behold, the Lord was passing by, and a great and powerful wind was tearing out the mountains and breaking the rocks in pieces before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind, [there was] an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake, [there was] a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire, [there was] the sound of a gentle blowing." ** 1 Kings 19.11-12
Sometimes. More times than I would care to admit, I allow the noise to silence Him… even when His voice is my favorite. I allow the noise to shut down my heart and mind. I allow it to clutter up my soul… and it feels like this weekend could be pivotal. This weekend could change the trajectory. This weekend will be one to shut out the noise… and create strategy.. a game plan.. to tune into His voice.. oh how my heart is already excited.
Tonight, I watched Grey's Anatomy. I still watch and enjoy that show… there was this scene with Richard, destroying a bar. And oh, how the tears flowed. And then I watched a Christmas romantic movie that lit my heart on fire.
Last weekend, I went to a CASA: Nashville Summit Conference. Amazing. So So Good. One of the speakers stated to each of us and look to the person next to us and answer the question- what area of your life inwardly or outwardly do you need to put a bandaid on? Speechless. I looked around the table of the ladies I had literally just met… I figured it was going to be best to answer honest, despite the freaking out of what it could bring forth. The lady I was talking to went first. I asked her for a moment to process. After sharing and processing through her answer, she looked at me and asked me. With the deepest, most genuine contemplation, I began to share that I would probably give my bandaid away. I began to share that I had gone to a very, very dark place… that created some deep wounds, and I had to have surgery.. but that I had gone through healing and finding joy in life and I felt more like me than I ever had (all of that I had known)… and then I continued. As I continued, I was completely amazed and taken back as I processed outwardly and shared about how I can see a little more of the why- I had been to such a dark place, I wasn't sure I would or could make it to 35.. and I had to fight like hell to get out of there. In present day now, at work, when my patients share with me that struggle, I am able to, instead of point at the dark hole/place… and encouraging them to come into the light. I can go to that place in and within myself to show them the way out… and that its not easy, but it can be done.
Oh I love how he works. So, lets do this. Silence and His voice…. blazing a new trail. **
This weekend included a Friendsgiving, a Preds game, and serving the kids at church. I need my voice for all of those. And, as a Social Worker, especially for patients who already have a harder time hearing, I need my voice. So, I cleared it all.
It was a bit sad because the plans I made were all exciting and things I was looking forward to. I don't think God caused this to happen. That is not the heart of the God I know. However, this evening, I think… I know He is using it.
This life, our world is inundated with noise. From our phones and social media, to the radio, to the people all around us that our lives come into contact with… the music we listen to, the posts we read, the articles we browse, the podcast we dive into… its. everywhere. Noise.
"So He said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord.' And behold, the Lord was passing by, and a great and powerful wind was tearing out the mountains and breaking the rocks in pieces before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind, [there was] an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake, [there was] a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire, [there was] the sound of a gentle blowing." ** 1 Kings 19.11-12
Sometimes. More times than I would care to admit, I allow the noise to silence Him… even when His voice is my favorite. I allow the noise to shut down my heart and mind. I allow it to clutter up my soul… and it feels like this weekend could be pivotal. This weekend could change the trajectory. This weekend will be one to shut out the noise… and create strategy.. a game plan.. to tune into His voice.. oh how my heart is already excited.
Tonight, I watched Grey's Anatomy. I still watch and enjoy that show… there was this scene with Richard, destroying a bar. And oh, how the tears flowed. And then I watched a Christmas romantic movie that lit my heart on fire.
Last weekend, I went to a CASA: Nashville Summit Conference. Amazing. So So Good. One of the speakers stated to each of us and look to the person next to us and answer the question- what area of your life inwardly or outwardly do you need to put a bandaid on? Speechless. I looked around the table of the ladies I had literally just met… I figured it was going to be best to answer honest, despite the freaking out of what it could bring forth. The lady I was talking to went first. I asked her for a moment to process. After sharing and processing through her answer, she looked at me and asked me. With the deepest, most genuine contemplation, I began to share that I would probably give my bandaid away. I began to share that I had gone to a very, very dark place… that created some deep wounds, and I had to have surgery.. but that I had gone through healing and finding joy in life and I felt more like me than I ever had (all of that I had known)… and then I continued. As I continued, I was completely amazed and taken back as I processed outwardly and shared about how I can see a little more of the why- I had been to such a dark place, I wasn't sure I would or could make it to 35.. and I had to fight like hell to get out of there. In present day now, at work, when my patients share with me that struggle, I am able to, instead of point at the dark hole/place… and encouraging them to come into the light. I can go to that place in and within myself to show them the way out… and that its not easy, but it can be done.
Oh I love how he works. So, lets do this. Silence and His voice…. blazing a new trail. **
Sunday, September 30, 2018
weekends ** trailrunning&hiking ** identity ** truth
This past month of Sugar Free, Sexy September has been an incredible lever within my heart, mind, body, and soul. It is quite brilliant how one shift has been so pivotal. In ONE month. I'm learning that to be a trailblazer means going against the flow. Sometimes it means to keep going when others stop. Or in other moments to make a plan, work the plan, and enjoy the plan.
Yesterday, I went on a lovely hike/interval trail running adventure to Smith Park. It is a very idyllic park. The trail had steep inclines, rocky trails, bridges, tunnels, bursts of sunshine areas alongside shaded… all of the wonderful pieces of a good, short, hike/trail.. even wondrous trail markings!
After looking over the map, I decided to take on the blue perimeter trail. It began with a steep incline I ran for the first about 1/4 of a mile and then decided to not destroy my lungs before I had really begun. Aside from the rocky steep trail piece, I did run almost the entirety. The uphill beginning was quite intense, and the downhill on the other side was quite lovely…dancing around the rocks as I fought gravity and embraced it in the same moment. The trail markings were Blue 1 up into Blue 21. Every sign post was a celebration proceeding into the next push.. and it got me thinking about having goals like that. Sugar free September created a focus around staying away from every dessert and it began the line of thinking of how many habits could I form or change by harnessing that one concept. Because I am on mission, but my rhythm and pace… and even people I am running with could be different at post 3 than it is at post 14. I was tempted to slow down and relent my pace, but it was a continuous not giving myself or my body any other options than 100%. I'm also learning that me giving that 100% is going to come against resistance.
The voices this weekend screamed at me was "You are not enough. You are second choice. You are not worth the pursuit." Even at a leadership evening for the kids team… my number was chosen and my prize was a pop cap. Literally, the leader had it in his pocket and gave it to me. I would much have preferred my number not being called to that. It was just another piece of evidence. The enemy is a jerk. To the leader, it was a joke. The enemy used it as a jab. There were about 5 of those jabs this week, and yet…
I'm not backing down. I'm running after people… to love them. I'm not stopping. I don't fully understand my story and why it looks how it does. This I know… I'm following His voice and I'm engaging on the mission He has set in front of me and, until the story changes, I'm giving my whole heart. I will take the risk, but I will also choose to indulge in silliness… I will stand in rejection and I'm going to do it fully present and fully engaged. I'm not backing down. He tried to take me out, but I'm not going out. There is too much at stake. So, I choose to forgive easily… to lean into His whispers and His voice… I choose to laugh, a lot and enjoy this crazy life journey… and I choose to fight fiercely for justice and to be the best version of me… so that in my 100%, I can go after the more that He has called me to……. with joy.
Hilariously, my "choose joy" confetti popper I got from my church didn't work when in a moment, I was fighting to choose joy. So, I shake off the dust and keep on.. with my ear to His whispers and my hiking boots on…. to blaze the trails of the unknown.. in the blood, sweat, and tears… knowing and reminding myself when I forget, that I am amazing… that I am His… and that I am the leading lady of my story… and that I am already chosen.
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
love does ** sugar free
Loving people is really hard. This week has been exceptionally hard in moments. Bob Goff talks about giving the best interpretation to people's actions when you are hurt or criticized. That is really hard… when the person is someone you thought you trusted.. when you feel ignored for unknown reasons… when you are continually hurt by someone and they continue to hurt you. I want to love like Jesus loves.. like my God loves… a love that fights through the muck, the pain, the hurt, the disrespect… I know its worth it. Love always is. Because love sometimes looks like saying something, sometimes saying nothing, it is kindness, it is grace, it is humility and standing in the injustice.
I am seeing why people push people away. It would be easier than it is to lean into the discomfort, the contrast, the tension… than it would be to fight for love. To not allow the enemy to win.
To choose grace. I have been given far more grace than I could ever ask for. There is an abundance of grace I have been given that I need to give people- whether they deserve it or not is not the deciding factor. The deciding factor is irregardless.
Love does.
********
I am currently on DAY 19 of Sugar Free, Sexy, and Saturated September. I like it. It's hard, but I am seeing the top two of my six pack girl abs. I have wanted to have six pack girl abs since I was 15. Sugar is my struggle and for years upon years upon years I not kept that promise to myself. For the first time in years, I decided to keep this promise to myself. And it feels wonderful.. hard, but wonderful!
********
Thursday, August 2, 2018
Running magical moments **
What a run. A late night run. Because this Thursday is my Friday. Tomorrow I am going to the lake with friends - for the whole weekend. So. Excited.
So, late night run for this girl. And oh, it was glorious. Killer running teaching podcast with music and coaching intervals. Magical.
A run that sparked some pretty deep thinking and dreaming. A run that challenged me.
God is expanding me.
The first two weeks of year 34, the enemy tried to take me out. Seriously. I went to the depths of darkness I have not yet encountered. I not only faced it but with the strongest level of intensity and grit, I harnessed it and chose to dig out and use it as a launching pad. So much of it is still unknown. Yet, I like that. I need Holy Spirit and if I know too much, I may think I can do it on my own. Which, I cannot. But, I could think that. So, I walk into the unknown, hand in hand.. feeling His fingers leading mine.. His nudges.. His voice.
That was one of the realizations I had tonight. In my life, in my world, I have too much noise. Within my own heart and mind. lies... "good" ideas… friends… family.. where I should be… what I should be doing… everyone else's opinions… the noises needs to be silenced. Because I realized all of the noise has been silencing the one noise.. the one voice… that I actually want to hear and need to the deepest core of me. So, I am choosing to fight for space. To change things up. To go a different way. To let go. To risk.
I realized something also. People say consistently that the addictions and chains we hold onto are only affecting ourselves. I don't agree. The free-er I am, the more I am able to call others into the freedom from what held me captive.. and to walk with them in the struggle. Even at the finale of my night run, someone was smoking.. and the smoke inhaled into my lungs so much so that I had to stop running.
Launching onwards.
Dreams awakening. Adventures coming. New trails being taken. A new chapter. ***
So, late night run for this girl. And oh, it was glorious. Killer running teaching podcast with music and coaching intervals. Magical.
A run that sparked some pretty deep thinking and dreaming. A run that challenged me.
God is expanding me.
The first two weeks of year 34, the enemy tried to take me out. Seriously. I went to the depths of darkness I have not yet encountered. I not only faced it but with the strongest level of intensity and grit, I harnessed it and chose to dig out and use it as a launching pad. So much of it is still unknown. Yet, I like that. I need Holy Spirit and if I know too much, I may think I can do it on my own. Which, I cannot. But, I could think that. So, I walk into the unknown, hand in hand.. feeling His fingers leading mine.. His nudges.. His voice.
That was one of the realizations I had tonight. In my life, in my world, I have too much noise. Within my own heart and mind. lies... "good" ideas… friends… family.. where I should be… what I should be doing… everyone else's opinions… the noises needs to be silenced. Because I realized all of the noise has been silencing the one noise.. the one voice… that I actually want to hear and need to the deepest core of me. So, I am choosing to fight for space. To change things up. To go a different way. To let go. To risk.
I realized something also. People say consistently that the addictions and chains we hold onto are only affecting ourselves. I don't agree. The free-er I am, the more I am able to call others into the freedom from what held me captive.. and to walk with them in the struggle. Even at the finale of my night run, someone was smoking.. and the smoke inhaled into my lungs so much so that I had to stop running.
Launching onwards.
Dreams awakening. Adventures coming. New trails being taken. A new chapter. ***
Sunday, July 8, 2018
slow saturdays, book character friends, renovations of the heart, and cannonballs **
a slow weekend.
this weekend felt very Tennessee. slow and steady. like a beautiful Southern accent. it was needed, not easy, but needed. this weekend was not about doing, but being. i like the hustle. i like working hard, putting my whole heart into everything and getting my boots dirty-- to borrow my favorite quote by Bono. i'm learning being. it is so much easier for me to be .. with people. but to merely just be… so. so. so much harder. and yet, i need it. so, I'm learning.
the current cry of my heart as of about an hour and a half ago is:: "Renovate my heart."
I have read this book series since I was a young teenager. It follows Christy Miller and her best friend Katie. Christy is the lead in most of the books and although naturally, I am absolutely more like Katie and my best friend, Cazi is more like Christy, I have seen my life parallel Christy's throughout the years. That is minus Christy and the love of her life, Todd, marrying and having two children. I see it more as a heart parallel. Currently I am reading book three of Todd and Christy: the baby years. It is fascinating how reading this book is helping me to process questions and also listen to God's voice through the pages. Robin Jones Gunn is the author and her writing style is exquisitely amazing. I've been processing, with Christy, the changes of a woman's life as she becomes a mom and what that looks like in the everyday. I have pondered this a. lot. Although i do not have a man pursuing me and with whom we are planning our future together, it is a processing of what do i want my life to look like being a wife and then one day a mom. what does it look like in the preparation right now? what do i want it to look like? where does my career factor in that, if at all? what do i want to bring to my family? do i want to be a stay at home mom? do I want to be a working mom? questions upon questions…. Christy's brother's girlfriend, Fina, and her are talking and Fina is sharing the love story of brokenness and redemption between her parents, and she stated, her mom's prayer was "Renovate my heart." And it hit me. That's where I am. I am figuring out what it looks like to be on target for my story. What is the target? What are the arrows and the decisions to have me aiming towards the target. I don't want my life to be random. I am so random and that could happen, but with everything within me, I want to follow Holy Spirit as he leads. I want to make important what is important in the story He is writing within me and let go what is taking me away from that. Even if I go alone.
A lot of renovation is going on physically in my life… and yet also in my mind and heart. On a run tonight, I realized I need to write. I want to write. I have a book within me that I feel like I need to put to paper, but the mere writing makes me paralyzed and I just don't. Instead, I just keep transferring it from one goals and dreams list to another without taking a step. And yet, I have always been a cannonball kind of girl. For better or for worse. That's me. My analyzation usually takes place in the air as I am cliff jumping… I remember cliff jumping so so vividly in Cumberland. Danny stated it was deep enough and he would go first and then it was my time. So, without overanalyzing or talking myself out of it, I jumped… and it was amazing. And yet with this writing dream within me, I do know what it will look like when it comes out, but this I know. I need to get it down on paper, computer… and take a leap. So, this is my first step in the leap. Writing. Not editing myself. Just writing. What is within me. What I am processing. What my heart is feeling. Just typing the words. Words that I believe in, words that create thoughts I want to encourage, challenge, and process.
So, I write. I turn away from fear, and I am choosing step out into the great unknown. Leaning into the whispers of God, following my feet, and taking cannonball leaps **
this weekend felt very Tennessee. slow and steady. like a beautiful Southern accent. it was needed, not easy, but needed. this weekend was not about doing, but being. i like the hustle. i like working hard, putting my whole heart into everything and getting my boots dirty-- to borrow my favorite quote by Bono. i'm learning being. it is so much easier for me to be .. with people. but to merely just be… so. so. so much harder. and yet, i need it. so, I'm learning.
the current cry of my heart as of about an hour and a half ago is:: "Renovate my heart."
I have read this book series since I was a young teenager. It follows Christy Miller and her best friend Katie. Christy is the lead in most of the books and although naturally, I am absolutely more like Katie and my best friend, Cazi is more like Christy, I have seen my life parallel Christy's throughout the years. That is minus Christy and the love of her life, Todd, marrying and having two children. I see it more as a heart parallel. Currently I am reading book three of Todd and Christy: the baby years. It is fascinating how reading this book is helping me to process questions and also listen to God's voice through the pages. Robin Jones Gunn is the author and her writing style is exquisitely amazing. I've been processing, with Christy, the changes of a woman's life as she becomes a mom and what that looks like in the everyday. I have pondered this a. lot. Although i do not have a man pursuing me and with whom we are planning our future together, it is a processing of what do i want my life to look like being a wife and then one day a mom. what does it look like in the preparation right now? what do i want it to look like? where does my career factor in that, if at all? what do i want to bring to my family? do i want to be a stay at home mom? do I want to be a working mom? questions upon questions…. Christy's brother's girlfriend, Fina, and her are talking and Fina is sharing the love story of brokenness and redemption between her parents, and she stated, her mom's prayer was "Renovate my heart." And it hit me. That's where I am. I am figuring out what it looks like to be on target for my story. What is the target? What are the arrows and the decisions to have me aiming towards the target. I don't want my life to be random. I am so random and that could happen, but with everything within me, I want to follow Holy Spirit as he leads. I want to make important what is important in the story He is writing within me and let go what is taking me away from that. Even if I go alone.
A lot of renovation is going on physically in my life… and yet also in my mind and heart. On a run tonight, I realized I need to write. I want to write. I have a book within me that I feel like I need to put to paper, but the mere writing makes me paralyzed and I just don't. Instead, I just keep transferring it from one goals and dreams list to another without taking a step. And yet, I have always been a cannonball kind of girl. For better or for worse. That's me. My analyzation usually takes place in the air as I am cliff jumping… I remember cliff jumping so so vividly in Cumberland. Danny stated it was deep enough and he would go first and then it was my time. So, without overanalyzing or talking myself out of it, I jumped… and it was amazing. And yet with this writing dream within me, I do know what it will look like when it comes out, but this I know. I need to get it down on paper, computer… and take a leap. So, this is my first step in the leap. Writing. Not editing myself. Just writing. What is within me. What I am processing. What my heart is feeling. Just typing the words. Words that I believe in, words that create thoughts I want to encourage, challenge, and process.
So, I write. I turn away from fear, and I am choosing step out into the great unknown. Leaning into the whispers of God, following my feet, and taking cannonball leaps **
Thursday, June 28, 2018
birthdays and being known **
i love birthdays.
everyone else's and mine.
this birthday was not good… colossally not good.
but tonight. i realized one perspective of the why.
ultimately, i felt not known.
we want to be known. we want to feel seen. and every gift given to me aside from five spoke to my heart to be not known. i am not even a gift receiver. i would far more prefer a card with real and genuine words, or simply being fully present. everything else, i want to exchange, give away, or get rid of. Honestly. One friend simply came and was fully present…. it meant so so much.
My five: 60 hikes in 60 miles book, a card with the gift of a friend date, a journal, a beautiful yellow plate and a steel water bottle.
Every other gift made me queazy. Most stereotypical. But all spoke to me of being not known. Even a few were my least favorite color- teal. Some might say, see the heart… how… I would rather nothing than those. Oy.
Maybe that's why some friends, I don't get gifts, until I find the perfect one, even if its late.
It feels good to know the root of why it all hurt so much.. it doesn't change it. But, it feels so good to see the root. Oy.
This was on top of a horrid morning and a rocky afternoon. This is really hard. I have cried more this week than the past months upon months. It's one thing after another.
I need to digress.
I think I realized why I lean into one of my friends. Too much. I didn't come to the friendship to want anything, but because I felt known. He made me feel known. When whirlwind moments came or storms… I felt known and cared for. God is my refuge. And yet, in those moments, my friend, he felt like a refuge in human form…with a listening ear, a bit of humor, and speaking God's truth. I know I need to take a step away from that friendship. Not a step out of that friendship now, but a step in a healthy direction, in healthy communication.
A sweet reminder of the power of knowing people, being known, and loving people well.
and my heart is full of hope for year 34. **
everyone else's and mine.
this birthday was not good… colossally not good.
but tonight. i realized one perspective of the why.
ultimately, i felt not known.
we want to be known. we want to feel seen. and every gift given to me aside from five spoke to my heart to be not known. i am not even a gift receiver. i would far more prefer a card with real and genuine words, or simply being fully present. everything else, i want to exchange, give away, or get rid of. Honestly. One friend simply came and was fully present…. it meant so so much.
My five: 60 hikes in 60 miles book, a card with the gift of a friend date, a journal, a beautiful yellow plate and a steel water bottle.
Every other gift made me queazy. Most stereotypical. But all spoke to me of being not known. Even a few were my least favorite color- teal. Some might say, see the heart… how… I would rather nothing than those. Oy.
Maybe that's why some friends, I don't get gifts, until I find the perfect one, even if its late.
It feels good to know the root of why it all hurt so much.. it doesn't change it. But, it feels so good to see the root. Oy.
This was on top of a horrid morning and a rocky afternoon. This is really hard. I have cried more this week than the past months upon months. It's one thing after another.
I need to digress.
I think I realized why I lean into one of my friends. Too much. I didn't come to the friendship to want anything, but because I felt known. He made me feel known. When whirlwind moments came or storms… I felt known and cared for. God is my refuge. And yet, in those moments, my friend, he felt like a refuge in human form…with a listening ear, a bit of humor, and speaking God's truth. I know I need to take a step away from that friendship. Not a step out of that friendship now, but a step in a healthy direction, in healthy communication.
A sweet reminder of the power of knowing people, being known, and loving people well.
and my heart is full of hope for year 34. **
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
faith **
I am declaring this day that is about to close my Wacky Wednesday. From sunrise to sunset, the wackiness did not cease. There was laughter, tears, depth, aggravation, and truth.
One particular moment stands out. One of my patient's wife called me asking me if I had seen one of our attending physicians yet. I stated to her that my day had presented quite the amount of concerns and things to face that I had not noticed or seen this physician yet. She then responds to me that she had seen him and he was in the facility and was verifying that he was present. Insert my profound confusion and dumbfoundedness that she took the time to call me to make this known. My social worker side deducted there was more to the story. So, some time later, I randomly stopped in this patient's room and she was present. Without hesitation, she apologized for jumping all over me. She began to share with me that she wanted the attending physician to see her husband, my patient. Up until this moment, that physician had come to see them three times since their recent admission, which is substantially more than most patients see their attending physician. At that exact moment, I saw the truth. In her view of concern for the physical needs of her husband and in her perspective, if she saw the physician present, she knew he was working and helping her husband. Little did she know, the visits were deterring from the help the physician was working on behind the scenes for her husband, so, I spoke it out. I gently, but firmly reminded her that even though the physician may not be consistently visiting, it does not mean that the physician is not caring for, or working on the best options to help her husband. I reminded her that the physician genuinely cares and wanting to help her husband. I spoke the truth that he is a good physician and is closely monitoring his care even when she cannot see him. It was as if a veil was lifted. She realized that she had made that connection in her heart and mind.
At the same moment, I had a moment of realization as well. It was a sweet reminder of God and His love over and for us. We may not see Him and sometimes He feels far away… and yet He is present, He is near, He is working behind the scenes, and He is a good Papa. Oh how easily we forget and yet the truth remains, He is working…. even when we cannot see.
"The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see…By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's Word, what we see created by what we don't see…" --Hebrews 11:1-3 **
One particular moment stands out. One of my patient's wife called me asking me if I had seen one of our attending physicians yet. I stated to her that my day had presented quite the amount of concerns and things to face that I had not noticed or seen this physician yet. She then responds to me that she had seen him and he was in the facility and was verifying that he was present. Insert my profound confusion and dumbfoundedness that she took the time to call me to make this known. My social worker side deducted there was more to the story. So, some time later, I randomly stopped in this patient's room and she was present. Without hesitation, she apologized for jumping all over me. She began to share with me that she wanted the attending physician to see her husband, my patient. Up until this moment, that physician had come to see them three times since their recent admission, which is substantially more than most patients see their attending physician. At that exact moment, I saw the truth. In her view of concern for the physical needs of her husband and in her perspective, if she saw the physician present, she knew he was working and helping her husband. Little did she know, the visits were deterring from the help the physician was working on behind the scenes for her husband, so, I spoke it out. I gently, but firmly reminded her that even though the physician may not be consistently visiting, it does not mean that the physician is not caring for, or working on the best options to help her husband. I reminded her that the physician genuinely cares and wanting to help her husband. I spoke the truth that he is a good physician and is closely monitoring his care even when she cannot see him. It was as if a veil was lifted. She realized that she had made that connection in her heart and mind.
At the same moment, I had a moment of realization as well. It was a sweet reminder of God and His love over and for us. We may not see Him and sometimes He feels far away… and yet He is present, He is near, He is working behind the scenes, and He is a good Papa. Oh how easily we forget and yet the truth remains, He is working…. even when we cannot see.
"The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see…By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's Word, what we see created by what we don't see…" --Hebrews 11:1-3 **
Thursday, March 22, 2018
a bad hair day, fresh eyes, and laughter
Yesterday, I had a bad hair day. Now I am sure every human has had a bad hair day. I am not the first and I will not be the last, but, alas yesterday was my bad hair day. Firstly, I completely understand that a bad hair day is extremely minor and minimal compared to everything happening in the world at large. There is something extremely powerful that a good hair cut/ good hair day/ day at a salon being pampered on the outwardly does to the soul of a woman. My hair is still freshly cut and colored and yet this bad hair day I did have.
All day at work, it was a struggle. Towards the end of my day, I went in to talk to a patient. As we were talking about discharge planning, she mentioned about four times about how she was having a bad hair day. Throughout that piece of the conversation, she continued to mention it and apologizing to me for her bad hair day. As I did my assessment, I learned that she was a hairdresser for quite a lot time. When she mentioned that, I apologized for my bad hair day - day. This lady has been through a lot physically and her mood has been one of seeming very down, anxious, and short with people. Yet, the moment, I mentioned my bad hair day hair, she began to laugh and giggle. There we were giggling and laughing with our bad hair day hair. It was an organic and a sweet moment.
I didn't fully realize the true depths of this moment, until I was driving to small group processing through the day and this moment was highlighted. It was redemptive to my bad hair day. It also made me question our perspectives in moments. What if the rough and challenging moments in life are in fact keys that God uses to create other moments that are above all we could ask, think or imagine.
Hilariously, in a surprise redemption, today was an amazing hair day. I did walk with a different, deeper perspective.. searching for those treasures God would bring into other interactions.
All day at work, it was a struggle. Towards the end of my day, I went in to talk to a patient. As we were talking about discharge planning, she mentioned about four times about how she was having a bad hair day. Throughout that piece of the conversation, she continued to mention it and apologizing to me for her bad hair day. As I did my assessment, I learned that she was a hairdresser for quite a lot time. When she mentioned that, I apologized for my bad hair day - day. This lady has been through a lot physically and her mood has been one of seeming very down, anxious, and short with people. Yet, the moment, I mentioned my bad hair day hair, she began to laugh and giggle. There we were giggling and laughing with our bad hair day hair. It was an organic and a sweet moment.
I didn't fully realize the true depths of this moment, until I was driving to small group processing through the day and this moment was highlighted. It was redemptive to my bad hair day. It also made me question our perspectives in moments. What if the rough and challenging moments in life are in fact keys that God uses to create other moments that are above all we could ask, think or imagine.
Hilariously, in a surprise redemption, today was an amazing hair day. I did walk with a different, deeper perspective.. searching for those treasures God would bring into other interactions.
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