a Nashvillian Christmas **

I have roots. For the first time in yearssssss, I have roots. I have an amazing job. A job where I am operating in my sweet spot doing work I love, with co-workers I adore, and serving patients whom I truly care about. I end up falling in love with each of them. I feel like I have twenty children. And yet, they each leave… that's the world of rehab social work. Each with a different story, but I walk with them throughout a short time and then they go to their next destination. I have dreamed about what it would feel like to have roots. I must say my current reality is the exact opposite of what I imagined. I have a solid job where I feel needed, I have a place and I enjoy it… and yet, I don't "feel rooted." Interestingly, I wonder if I will ever "feel rooted." Maybe I'm not meant to feel rooted. God spoke to me once this past year (2016) to "hold the definition of home loosely." Some people would be frustrated with that reality. Some need routine, consistency, method… but for me, I'm wired differently. I like the unknown, I find adventure in the everyday even if I could never have imagined that is how the day would look like. I like the messy, I like the unpredictable… there is something in the unknown that fuels my soul and lights my heart on fire.

Having no clue who my future husband is, I wonder if he has that adventurer, on mission, go anywhere do anything, dream the impossible and take a risk, drive within him. I knowwww he is an analytical analyzer… because oh how I need that in him, and God knows I need that… because I am naturally wired as an act and then think about it kind of girl…. but oh how I need a husband who thinks and then acts. Right now, God has surrounded and protected me with my best friends who are think and then act kind of people which is phenomenal and much needed. *smile* But lets say whomever he is, wherever on the planet he is, he has that on mission, dreamer within him and if I needed roots, it could be a rough adventure…. but lets say, I take the lack of "feeling rooted" I feel right now, and embrace it…that I allow that lack to fuel me. Like for real, intentionally acting on going after my secret dream to be a Spanish-English translator… or the thousands of dreams flowing within my veins… that I allow my lack of "feeling rooted" to be a strength instead of a weakness. I see that in so many avenues. Being the only not married with kids person at the table in our lead meetings at work, everyoneeeee wants to set me up and get me married. When within me is screaming, oh yes, I want to be married and have lots and lots of babies… but this I know..he is worth every ounce of waiting, and our story in God's timing is so worth the wait. My life is full and when he comes…oh its going to be spectacular… but until then I'm amazing. I'm beautiful (and yes, Antioch, I know I'm beautiful, you do not need to honk at me when I'm running to remind me, thank you very much), and I'm a treasure, and one day, in the Kairos timing, one man will pursue and fight for me. Single is not a weakness…unless it's being used as a comfort zone rut.

One of my favorite people to follow on social media is this girl who does photography, blogs, and creates real life Bible Studies… soul scripts --- once her husband and her were talking about life and where they felt God moving them onto and she in a burst of emotions said- "I just want a normal life!" Her fiancé then spoke powerful truth to her and this has been my anthem lately    >>>------>

"…No you don't. You don't want that. You know, It's okay to be poor. It's okay not to know His plan or see the whole path. Just the next step. We weren't made for ordinary."    

Her thoughts from that encouragement were stirred as she shared this::: "I don't want a normal life. I want an abundant life. And I'd bet that's what you want too. I'm slowly learning that an abundant life in Christ sometimes means growing pains, big moves, hard sacrifice, discomfort, nervous sweats, long drives, late nights, sometimes messy cries, and crazy adventures..Don't settle for normal. Take that big risk, give it all you got. Because we only get one shot and we might as well make it count."

i really like this. My soul leaps within me at the thoughts at what this could me for in how I invest my life. I don't want normal. Deep deep within me, I don't want roots… at least until God creates them for me. I want to embrace the everyday, He moves, I move. He stays, I stay. That's God and me and how we've always moved and live life and I refuse to allow fear to silence that desire to keep dancing with my God..following His nudges…. i trust Him. With my whole heart, being….

I had to recently wrestle with my trust of my God. Last fall (2015), I felt God asking me to do something… and if I am being vulnerably honest, it may have been the scariest thing I have ever done in my whole life. I'm so glad the setting was a hike in the crisp, warm, fall air… there is something the outdoors does to my heart and soul… and yet, it was the scariest… and I had no idea why God asked me to do it, but I decided a long time ago that I would always act on His words first…even if I had no idea the why. I did it…. but it hurt… really hurt… I feel like my heart is finally fully recovered and that 2016 has been a year of therapy… I feel healed, redeemed, but I have had to remind myself that He is good…that I don't need to know to trust…
********************
"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done" ---"Thy Will" by Hilary Scott
**************************
Truth. He is enough. He is worth it. He is a good good God and I told Him He could have it all--- no questions asked… He is my Lord… and no sacrifice is too great.

So, I shall embrace the messy of not feeling rooted… with intentionality to where I need to invest right here…. in the present.

Merry Christmas ***