the late hours tarry onwards...

It's late.... in reality, I should be sleeping... I have to wake up soon and head to work... My heart is alive and awake... I question... I wonder... I ache.  My heart and mind questions this season- the purposes, the reality, the healing, the wounds... As much as this season has been rough, I see the truth of why God has brought me to Kansas City...out of the comfortable, out of the mostly predictable...into the unknown... a place where I have more questions than answers...a place where I would rather be left in the unknown than  know.  I'm beginning to fully embrace the adventure of the unknown. For quite awhile I was forcing myself to embrace it, now, I feel like the more I embrace the unknown, for His glory. And I love that.

Like, my heart still aches for Haiti...deeply. I merely walked past a book about Haiti and the earthquake's and my heart ached and skipped a beat.... my heart felt a glimpse of this throughout my African adventures, but not this concentrated amount.  I watched a video that one of my dear Haitian friends had on her fbwall and I think I forgot to breathe as I watched this video... the pictures grabbed my heart... their faces, their life... my heart aches... I feel helpless.. I want to do something more...something deeper. Something to reach out and love them more... it can't just be coincidence that my heart aches... there has to be a strategy...

I don't want to sleep... so bad for my body, I know...and yet my heart and mind is racing...

Last night I had one of the most fun dreams... I pulled into a parking lot (not really knowing what city I was in)... I was at a stop sign in a shopping center and two "friends" drove past and acknowledged me, then drove past... same with the next vehicle of three other "friends"... I then pulled up into a spot, got out and a few of my closest, quality friends came toward me. Friends with smiles, hugs... we stood in a circle telling stories, laughing... they asked what I was doing in town and I somehow knew I was dream and said, "Well, I am "dreaming" (i even used air quotes)... and then one of my incredible friends, smiled, and then said, "So what? I'm still going to give you a hug." Within a couple minutes a few other amazing friends came into the circle and with zero awkwardness and with the naturalness of just being friends...we laughed, shared God moments, life stories, and what was going on within our hearts and lives... I woke up with a smile and feeling so unbelievably grateful for my quality friendships.  So, so grateful!

I love love this season... this season of knowing that my focus is Jesus. Even though I have desires...I have eyes *smile*... I love seeing how jealous His heart is for me... and how His love surprises me...whether through pulling me into His heart, feeling what His heart feels, through Him giving me a dream that He knows I'll love, a phone call with two incredible people, a beautiful day, peace to sleep in, peace to not sleep (not sure if that is where I am ... wavering between sleeping and pulling an all nighter *giggle* ...

With my age number increasing, I don't "feel" older. I don't really feel twenty-seven years old... however I see different things transitioning... 4-6 hours of sleep no longer is sufficient enough. I really, ideally need 7-8 hours... I can't drink caffeine at night or risk being awake into the late hours of the night (like now *smile*) ... I need to exercise consistently (i feel the differences in my muscles, physically, when I don't) ... I crave quality over quantity more than I ever have...

Have you ever read something and that something won't leave your heart and mind... on fb, one of my friends from a previous church wrote a note all about the true meaning of being satisfied and that nothing can substitute a true, alive, intimate relationship with Jesus... I don't know if was the wording that he used to articulate it, or my heart being alive more than it has been to love of Jesus, but my heart was gripped...

Oh, our IHOP community (i used our!!) is doing a fast starting Wednesday...and I'm not sure of the why, but I am so, so excited!!!! *smile*

random fact: i look up the peace corps tonight... it really does sound interesting... i'm intrigued *smile*...

Well, I must decide sleep or not... the time has come... the decision must be made .... *smile*

more Amy randomness....

I have a confession.... I think I'm addicted to the library... last week, I went three times!!! *smile*... On one of my adventures to the library I picked up a book called: " A Collection of Wednesday's: creating a whole from the part"- By Amy Gaither Hayes... At first I picked it up because, honestly it was written by an Amy. Skimming it, I was intrigued by her style of writing... and now, I'm absolutely loving it... Everytime I've picked it up, I've read about 2-3 chapters. In one of the chapters, she was sharing about moments in her life when she felt like she was the most genuine and realest version of herself.... this led me to wonder....when is it when I'm the realest version of me.... this is my list... *smile*

I feel like the realest, freest, and most genuine version of me when I'm...

...doing missions work...loving on the poorest of the poor

...playing soccer

...with my quality and dearest best friends (Ericka, Cazi, Meagan, Alaina, Brandon, Danny, Mindy, Alissa) or with my family

...serving or talking with teenagers

...genuinely loving with and connecting with a child

...worshipping my Jesus wholeheartedly

...spending time and investing in someone with quality time, one on one

...adventuring in the outdoors (hiking, kayaking, biking, camping)

...running

... reading

...working hard and serving people

... encouraging

(((Random fun fact: I sold my promise ring about 4 months ago for $80 because I'm allergic to gold and I can't wear it anymore, and i'm not attached, so, I don't want to pass it down... *giggle* ))))

Well, another week is just about to start and I'm determined to embrace this week wholeheartedly!!! 

the IHOP community is doing a fast starting this Wednesday and I'm so excited to see what God brings forth....

learning to embrace Kansas City...despite however long this adventure lasts.... so, my Mom and I were talking this past week and she was asking me to remind her if I felt that God said to go to Kansas City or put the decision in my hands.... I told and I honestly felt like it was a Holy Spirit nudge...with that said, it was kind of a reminder that I don't have to be here forever... it was kind of encouraging, challenging, and left me with a little wonder.... where the adventure could lead forth from here.... *smile*... maybe further west, east coast, Texas with my lovely sister, California, Washington... with God, the possibilities are endless and this KC adventure has given me confidence that He's going to take care of me wherever the journey may lead.... *smile*... well, love to all my dear friends and family from my current adventure home in Kansas City, Missouri!!! *smile*

***Random fun MISSOURI fact: Missouri trains are crazy fast... Kentucky trains are slow and long.. Missouri trains are just as long, but super crazy fast, similar in speed to the train in UNSTOPPABLE (a great movie, I highly recommend!)***

an evening walk with Gunner...

I went on a run last week-ish with Gunner... Gunner is our house dog. Throughout this run, Gunner proceeded to drag me through almost the entirety of the run... I had the control, but exerting energy to run and control a dog for an extended period of time was tiring...It was hysterical and quite comedic. Today was a different sort of day. Gloomy... cold... and all of the emotions of this move again fell on top of me.  I was in my room for a ridiculous amount of time because I turned my heater on and it was the only room in our house that was warm... around dinner time I decided to eat my dinner on the front steps with a book. It actually felt rather nice outside because on top of the cold weather, I found our AC to be on... *brrr*... I decided that an evening walk would probably do me good... and Gunner might enjoy it as well... However, the comedy of being dragged through the streets did not sound appealing, so I embraced the adventure to train Gunner on the art of walking normally.  So, I am pulling, pleading, speaking sweet, speaking authoritatively, yanking, looking into his eyes...all in an effort to teach him the art of being walked and not walking... Still awhile out from the house, I was attempting to teach him the art of staying and smelling or releasing himself on the grass next to me instead of a mile ahead of me...

And then like a wave of Holy Spirit in a way that only He can come...He came and began to teach me... began to show me visually- because it is how I learn best... by showing me that I'm like Gunner and He's me... in this analogy... He wants to walk with me in this season, just me and him... and I'm pulling on the leash... but I want to get to know these people.... I want to invest here... or there... and He's like, "Amy, I want you, here. Right next to me." ... and I come next to him, we're walking... it's lovely and then my nose gets distracted by this opportunity or this meeting... or this Bible Study... And then He pulls "my leash" back and then we're in step and it's amazing... Then there are some times, which this has been the hardest... the moments when Gunner would linger behind because he found a scent in the grass he wanted to linger in... Holy Spirit was teaching me about those are the moments when I choose to think on and want to be back in Kentucky.  Kentucky was an amazing season...somewhere deep within me, I knew it would end soon... which even led to making a Kentucky adventure coffee cup with one of my best friends, Mindy.... it was hard, painful, and challenging... (this does not change my absolute love for the state of Kentucky)... but some of the most quality friends I could ever comprehend to have in my life are in Kentucky (Cincinnati, but still :) ) ... my family... but that this is the season for "right here" ... next to me... intimacy... for love... for quality time... it was exactly what I needed to hear in this season...

It's hard being here.. but there is purpose for the challenge and that... that makes it all worth it! He...He is worth it. He's chasing after me... pursuing my heart.. solely because He loves me!!!! And that, that's breathtaking!!!!

a crispy fall day in Kansas City...

Hello world...greetings from Kansas City!!!!

Today is a crispy fall Thursday in Kansas City is my first fall day here... it is in the 40's!!! A couple of days ago it was in the 80's... oh, Kansas City weather is so dramatic... unlike the rainstorm's in Kentucky, the rain here comes "randomly" and hard and then it's just gone.... Kentucky seemed to have the subtle transition into rain and out..not Kansas City, they like the dramatic weather... I say "they" and wonder if I'll include myself when I refer to Kansas City. I'm guessing one day it'll switchover... but for now, I still feel like a Kentucky girl in a new city. One of my roommates just moved here about a week and half ago and she said that it has and already feels like home. I do not have that feeling... well, the other day I drove to and from work without the help of Stella, my GPS.... so, that was an interesting feeling knowing exactly what highway I needed to take and such... I'm guessing this is just a matter of time...

Today, marks ONE MONTH of being her in Kansas City. It's been like the longest month of my life... i am quite convinced that this past month of days was expanded in someway....and yet, it has been one month. Wow.  I still don't know a lot... and yet I feel God is giving me glimpses....

I was super excited one day in time with Jesus, I wrote a list of all of the things I've always wanted to do and just have never been able to do... or things that I miss doing in Kentucky that I can do here.... so, I'm going to step out and do them.  Some of these adventure tasks include reminding and awakening my piano playing skills, swing dancing, going shooting, kickboxing, ballet classes, improving my memory skills, spinning, and sewing... i'm excited to see what skills develop or awaken on this venture....

QUALITY vs. QUANTITY



the current challenge.... in every area.... I was reading a fashion magazine and it was emphasizing the need for quality of pieces in your wardrobe rather than a quantity of mediocre pieces.  I was at the library yesterday and skimming through a book about the brain and it was discussing studies that have found that consistent, quality, shorter study sessions in learning new information than longer study sessions that have the quantity- that our brain is like a piece of steel where information is harder to input, but once it's in, it is harder to get rid of..... and even in friendships, you have to make the decision to be have quality and depth in a few, because it is impossible to have a deep quality friendship with everyone: "a mile deep or a mile wide" ... This morning, I was reading a book about healthy food choices ("Dorm Room Diet" by Daphne Oz- Dr. Oz's daughter) and how the easiest and cheapest food choices are usually in giant food quantities calling out to you. She said this phrase and it has really stuck with me- would you rather pay a low amount of money for cheap, processed food and then have to pay a whole lot of money in the future for bypass surgery or hospital bills as a result of your eating habits, or pay a little more now for quality food that will nourish your body.

I'm realizing that in the past, i've been a quantity person... I enjoy having a wide assortment of clothing pieces, i'm horrid at the studying in bulk when there is a reason aka quiz or test, and i've enjoyed having a wide array of friendships, and I'm a girl who loves saving money in the small random ways.... but lately i'm craving... my spirit is craving quality. I don't want to invest in friendships that are mediocre. I don't want to buy a bunch of good enough clothes that I really don't love, I don't want to study at the last minute anymore, and I don't want to eat processed, crazy food solely because its cheaper now.  It really is a brand new mindset and perspective...its a challenge to go through and rethink new choices because I crave the quality over the quantity. I had no idea how much this really has permeated my life... but I'm excited to see my life become more and more quality...and less and less quantity.

...daily.... consistent.... intentional...

on a funny moment... i was watching a few Gilmore Girls episodes and it made me crave PopTarts. Other than at NKU, one of my teachers was so passionate about PopTarts, that was the last time I had had a PopTart in 5 years.... so, I bought some *smile*

Well, I'm sewing this evening and then Skyping with my Haiti-ian team family!!! *smile*

Just one of those days....

Ever have one of those days... yes, one of those kinds of days.... today was one of those... moving here, I feel like I had a concentrated amount of these kinds of days....but I feel them lessening... which is encouraging.... but so frustrating because I feel like the enemy wins on theses days and that's not okay with me. I don't want him to even have one day of success. I want to stand up and fight. Today, while learning the menu for the restaurant I will be serving in, I was watching and listening to Beth Moore videos. Wow.... she really is a woman of power, authority and a God created beauty. I really feel like today, she became a role model. What an incredible woman of God! She truly was incredibly genuine too... which was so great and she massively challenged me. Today- one of those days- is almost over... I am determined that no matter what I may feel like that I am determined to fight for tomorrow.

One of the Beth Moore YOUtube video's that I watched was entitled: "When Life Has You Paralyzed." It resonated so much within me that almost immediately as she began to speak, tears began to come forth.  I feel like ever since I've been here that life has been paralyzing me.  And part of me wants to just relent and take it because I'm tired of fighting... and then there is the fiesty side of me who wants to fight and kick the paralyzing.... oy. it's just been one of those days...

However, I don't need easy...i just need possible. *smile*

a lovely Sunday in September in Missouri....

So, I have had a very mellow day... one of those where you get up, get breakfast... I watched a Crossroads service, got locked out of my house, McGeiver'd my way back in my house, and then decided I wanted to do some cleaning in preparation for the upcoming week. After cleaning the floors, I headed out to our front porch entry area... determined to make it look beautiful. It just needed a little tender loving care...and I was determined to bring forth the beauty that I knew was there somewhere. I have that. I have a problem in believing in people who aren't amazing...who have dirty motives...i've seen it and been hurt by it... but within me is built a belief that all people have a beauty and sometimes its been covered up by layers of hurt, pain, words of anger, bitterness.... I feel like a lot of what people see as angry, rude, and aloof people are people that have had hurt and wounds and their defensive mechanism is to cover it up and to cope with those, they have chosen to become calloused.

Anyways... so, I did a little gardening... and among pulling out the dead parts of the flowers and plants, I had a couple revelations. One being that there was a lot of dead flowers right next to flowers blooming and full of life... and certain dead flowers were intertwined around the flowers that you could see once had life. Like one, it had a beautiful pink flower on the end, but the roots and the stem leading to that flower were dying. And it makes me think about how in life, there are people who just suck the life out of you. In one way or another. And sometimes, if you are not intentional, it would be easy to allow them to suck the life out of you instead of allowing Jesus, as your true source to bring forth life. Another revelation from looking at these two flowers... allowing Jesus to prune you is not only good for you and for the life of who you are... but for those around you. Jesus said to me today, "You will be far more effective to the people around you when you are firmly rooted and grounded in my love and my affections for you." So, the life of Jesus that I am a carrier of will directly affect the people around me whether I fully realize that or not. Wow. Powerful!

But is cutting out those relationships the answer... or would it be for me to have such a deep and strong root structure into Jesus that the wounds and "life suckingness" (the only full way to describe *smile*) of anyone else would not be able to shake me. That instead of them taking my life... that instead I'd be able to inject the life and love of God into them. Hmmm... that really is quite the concept...

I'm coming to this strong realization that talk is cheap. I'm over people saying one thing and never following through. I know that I do this, but I try to be intentional about the follow through. I want my yes to be yes and my no to be no. A woman of integrity and faithfulness. I want any person: friend, family, acquaintance, employer, coworker, special someone to know that when I say something and give my word, that you can count on that. So, instead of saying I want the life and love of God to be deeply rooted within me, I want that to be reality. To intentionally make rhythm of life that would grow that to such a strong level. I'm also guessing that this isn't going to be an overnight phenomenon... thus, comes in CONSISTENCY. There is really a power in consistency...whether it's physical body changes, spiritual heart alterations, mental mindsets dissolving, relational strengthening... it's all about consistency. I've had QUALITY friends at internships that I've been a part of, trips that i've gone on... and without consistently keeping up with those friendships, I've seen our hearts drift a part. Obviously, a part of that definitely comes with seasonal friendships. It doesn't make it any easier. I went on  a trip to Haiti in May, and there are some I've pursued and yet on my part or the other, there hasn't been a consistency, so the friendship, the depth has altered. I know that if I were talk to these men and woman that are on my heart as I type this, we would have great conversation, but the depth would not even compare if there was a consistency.

On a light, fun note... I've discovered that peanut butter and jelly is exceeding more delicious when eaten with a fork and knife. I don't fully comprehend the why... but I highly recommend it! *smile* ....

Being away from my friends and family here in Missouri, I've discovered that I love Skype! Since being here, I've Skype'd with my family, my Kentucky family, one of the youth girls I connected with at 412, my bestest friend Cazi LaRee, one of my dear dear Haiti friends: Stephanie... and it's so refreshing to see and talk with them!

Well, I'm off to finish cleaning (this was a cleaning fiesta *smile* ) ... and prepare for the week... I start my new job tomorrow!!!! So, so excited!!!!!! *giggle*

a light piercing the unknown...

So, I found out that I have been accepted into the UMKC nursing program AND I start work at Brio Tuscan Grille on MONDAY!!!!! I am exstatically excited! The nursing program is phenomenal. I've done a good amount of research into it and it seems like they do it with excellence!!! I'm excited to start classes in January!!! As for now, starting as a server at Brio Tuscan Grille here in Kansas City is fantastic! I've always wanted to be a server for Brio and now that the opportunity has opened, I'm so excited to walk through that door... as well as being able to wear a tie everyday. I've never worn a tie, because I'm a girl...i'm excited to now have that joy!!! *smile*.... and I'm going to work at All American Indoor Sports (i've already started this job) as a Lil' Kickers soccer coach. It's so great... I get paid to run around and play soccer with kids. The company uses soccer as a tool for childhood development. To develop social, physical, mental, and problem solving skills. The program is divided by age group and the games are played with soccer!!!! So great!!!! And... I was in the prayer room singing a song and we sang, "You are my everything." And instead of a prayer, I was able to dig in and sing it from the depths of my being... and it really took it to a brand new level. So, so great.

So, I'm not on a little happy island mesmerized by the events of the day thinking that everyday in Kansas City is now going to be incredibly amazing... I realize that there will be more rough days... and I realize those may be in an hour... or tomorrow... but there have been moments of "Just Breathe" throughout this crazy journey... Moments, where it's so great to see how God knows that I just need a fresh breathe of peace, hope, and life.... A great moment was blasting the song: "Desert Song" in my car and screaming, singing, and soaking in the truth of the words!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH54lMB6WPk

and here is a breathtakingly incredible interview that takes this song to a deeper level....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9YQeJQXgfY

Well, i hope you have a wonderful evening!!!