I choose to write. I love to write and so this I aim at...to write, if only a little- everyday. Maybe here on this blog or in a journal, or in a letter to a friend...or on a scrap piece of paper... or maybe even in the notes on my phone...but I will write. I will do and dream. Why? Because God dreamed dreams over me as He created and fashioned me and so I will write. I'm standing in the tension of seeing what I want to do, but being in a different season of life. However, I choose to be present daily. I choose to run on all cylinders. I choose to engage with each step that God leads. And I choose to do it afraid. I will not allow fear to hold me back from running intensely after the Kingdom. I'm all in.

"To love is to be vulnerable." - CS Lewis

CS Lewis penned this amazing truth. The point of impact that I struggle with is not that reality because I love people and I love to love. My tension is when love is not shown to me. I can feel my heart retreat into a sort of turtle shell. It creates this uncertainty within me and I can feel bitterness wanting to creep in and bring a "safety." The contradiction is that bitterness is not a safety. Bitterness is a poison and to allow even a drip within my heart can contaminate everything that I am intentional to grow within my heart. So, with His strength and wisdom, I choose to love. To love without question. I choose love when that love is not shown to me in the deepest moments and in the most random. So many people are hurt and they need love. They don't need my love, they need HIS. I will live a life of love by plunging deeper into the love of my God, the lover of my soul, my creator so that out of the overflow of His love splashing all around me that I can pour that out to people. In action, in prayer, in friendship, in a smile, in a hug... I choose to love free from bitterness despite reciprocation.

So, this blog is my tool to be an outlet of creative writing juices- to share my heart, to express, to love, to encourage.... so, I was thinking about incorporating a weekly blog about singleness. Singleness has definitely lasted longer in my life than I would have ever expected and yet, I would not change it. I have learned so much in my years of singleness- treasures and adventures that have been sweet nuggets of gold and I am considering placing all of those into a weekly nugget. I desire to one day be married and enter into that season, but I also want to be continually intentional to embrace this season. It is amazing- with great friends, an amazing young adult group, doors opening to be able to serve, an amazing family, school that challenges and teaches me, volleyball sporty-ness, and incredible roommates. Life right now is rich and sweet.... I would like to stand in the tension of those who see singleness as a disease or a "waiting room"... because when I look at my singleness past and present, I see it is as a beautiful season of life!!!

heart explosions--------

I am the girl who loves. deeply. And I wouldn't change a thing. But sometimes that love comes at a price. I am also the queen of unrequited love. It is a cycle- the characters in the scene change, but the concept stands true.... and each time I have to fight to keep my heart open- to fight to keep my heart filled with hope.

"I want to believe in love again... I want to break through"

Nothing has happened----yet. But it will- I can feel it- the elements, the emotions are all the same from everryyy time in the past. And I'm stuck to pick up the pieces and to choose to love again.

I am amazing. I am. I am not beautiful in an obvious sort of way, but I have a beauty all my own. I have strengths- desires- dreams- hopes- longings all my own. I just know that despite what I don't see in front of me that one day God will bring an incredible, amazing, attractive man of God into my life. I believe. I'm not selling out. So, enemy you can beat my heart up as much as you want, but I will choose to continue to love--- why? Because He loved me- He taught me how to love without regrets, without facades, without question--- I love because He loved me.... and I'm not backing down.

And one day, we will unite- and it will be oh so beautiful. So much so.

I will hold onto hope. I will trust His way. I will lean into Him when I get weary. I will remind myself that my life is amazing- in the chaos and enjoyment!!!

So, I will gather the pieces and walk on-- with joy. With love. With grace. With confidence.

"He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me." Psalm 18.19

the beauty of surrender...

These days I have been reading Jon Acuff's book: START. This book is wrecking all of mindsets that I have had. I love love that this book is complementing what God has been showing me about fear having such a stronghold within my life. The tag line to go along with the title of his book is this phrase: "Punch fear in the face. Escape average. Do work that matters." I used to believe in awesome- fully, wholeheartedly, unashamedly. But then voices entered into my grid, into my mindset, into my beliefs. I forgot my awesomeness. I allowed some dreams to drift and others to disintegrate. Some dream deaths were good and others I want to revive back to life. I allowed some voices that I do not value or really care about their opinion to shape my view of me. But I'm back. I'm back. And it feels amazing. I choose to embrace my awesomeness. I choose to literally punch my fears in the face. It may not be a smooth or easy path, but easy and average and normal will no longer be invited to be words that define me. I am a hard worker. I am beautiful. ( a 17 year truth that was destroyed and is coming to life once again!!) I am worth being pursued by a sexy, passionate man of God. *giggle*... I am a world changer, a world shaker, a tide changer. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. *smile*

I still do not have answers to some pretty game changer questions, but I do know that I trust Him. He is trustworthy. God, I trust you open handedly with my life, my future, my dreams.... all of me for all of you!!! For Your Kingdom!

There is a pretty amazing worship song that has a bridge that says:

"You make all things work together for my good" .... that is truth as evidenced by Romans 8.28. But I say, there is more. I do not want my life to work out for my good. I want my life to be poured out for Kingdom. I will gladly and with joy sacrifice all of my dreams and desires for my God. I will gladly surrender my desire to be a wife. I will with joy lay down my deep passion for youth. I will take all of my dreams for international missions and place them at His feet. I will walk away from all of these. Not because it is easy or comfortable... but because I love Him more. I love my Jesus more than I want a husband. I love my Jesus more than I want to serve in youth ministry. I love my Jesus more than I want to run to the nations. My heart beats to a different drum of what the current culture dictates. So, when I say that I have only been in a relationship with one man, it because I'm a girl who knows her heart and the rhythm within my heart. There will be a man that will come into my life and we will go to the nations together, we will pray with passion and fervency and see God bring forth healing's and deliverance and restoration, we will love each other deeply and passionately and discover a brand new level of holy. I believe that He will come and find and pursue me as God brings me to him like God brought Eve to Adam. It will be beautiful and powerful and my heart waits expectantly. Until then, I place those desires and dreams and longings into my Jesus because He is faithful. His faithfulness is trustworthy.

So, Jesus, I give you each desire and dream- laying them upon the altar as Abraham laid his son, Isaac. And upon laying them down, I will say with my every breathe, I choose You. I value You above this- beyond that. I love You more.

I pray God that you would build into my life Your character more deeply. Teach me to love the way you love. Reveal whoYou are to me more and more like exploring the depths of the ocean.

I don't have to know- I choose to lean into you as you mold into me....
                      "...the boldness of Esther, meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality
                       of Lydia is in line with the submission of Mary, which is engulfed by the tears of a
                       praying Hannah. I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31..."
                                         -Janette-ikz ("I will wait for you")

Doors. Open doors. Barely open doors. Slammed doors.

Some offer possibility....some steal that possibility. Some inspire hope by their slammed elements.

In life as I approach my forthcoming twenty-ninth year of life I feel surrounded by slammed doors. And yet I have hope. Because God- my Love, my Everything has slammed those doors. I do not know the why or what the next step looks like, but I trust. I trust that He is beyond what I can see. I trust that the puzzle pieces of my life that I see have purpose and that He sees. He sees beyond what I can see. He knows. My life is not my own. I trust Him and I will lean into Him. Somehow the slammed doors strengthen my resolve.... in this season of life.... to seek Him, to dig deeper..... to engage and grow where I am planted.

So, I stand in this moment surrounded by slammed doors with hope, with peace, more in love with my God.... and poised and ready for what He is about to do. If it is bigger than me I have to believe that it is God. I know it is. I walk this life with joy .... for His glory I live.

Well, the blogging everyday hasn't been a reality as of yet... but I will press on. *smile*

So, yesterday at work, I served a lovely couple. It was a definite God thing moment for both of us. I shared a little of my story about school and what God is challenging me to. She shared about having a rough time finding a job and I had a suggestion that she had not thought of yet. It was a sweet moment. Moments like that I do not want to bypass without acknowledging Holy Spirit in the everyday. Little moments such as the Chick-fil-a girl who asked me about the reminder note that I have posted in my car. Which opened a door to share very honestly about my relationship with God and the struggle to live as a God lover on this earth that seems to have the truth of God. I do not want to forget those moments. I want to live acutely aware of what God is doing in and through me and allow those moments to strengthen my heart- to shape my character and to open my eyes to a world that is larger than I can see. I don't have to travel to remember that this world, my life is beyond what I can see... I just forget so easily.

"Be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery."
---- deuteronomy 6.12 -------

so, wherever you are and whatever God is doing in and through you...whatever your Wednesday may bring forth, I hope and pray that you will stop and smell the roses and see the foundation that He has brought you through. To remember what our God has done.

I am thankful. For an amazing family who challenges, inspires, encourages, and believes in me.

For my amazing sister, friend, and roommate. There are not enough words to say how thankful I am for her.

I have an amazing job. A quality school. A God who loves me more than I can comprehend. And a future husband "on his way" to find me.... so thankful..... so thankful......

a Thursday full of working....

a morning conversation to remind me of the passion that was once a blazing flame... the vision that stirred my heart to dance... I will not forget... I will not walk away. I will love and trust with my whole heart. And, so, for this weekend, I will unplug. Unplug my computer except for school importantness- unplug my phone- no texting and instagramming... i choose to disconnect from that which distracts me.

i've decided to write. consistently write. here in this blog. i invite anyone who would like to come on the journey with me, but i choose to write. i choose to write and share each moment. because i choose to cultivate the gift that is within me. so, i will write. for better or for worse. *smile*

The Facebook Unfriending. Three words that would have never been strung together twenty years again. And yet, this is now a reality of our society today. It is not really that I care. It is this powerless to know the why. I respect those who post that they are lightening their Facebook friends for a reason, but when I go to message the person and find out that I'm defriended - there erupts this strange emotion. I do not want to care. This feeling is a dash of my deflated pride, a bit of confused defensiveness about the why, and a small part insecurity with a tablespoon of compassion and not wanting to hurt anyone with my humanness. I truly want to be guided by the word- "...as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12.18) Oh the questions.... I want to say that I gave my 100% regardless. To love like Jesus with my whole heart. He never let the Pharisees dictate his life (and I am not saying that these "fb unfriender's" should be compared to the Pharisees) .... and on another perspective, the people that have "unfriended" me are consistent because our season of friendship has passed- so we are no longer "friends" in the world. Not that we are enemies, it is just that life has gone different ways and we have not maintained our "friendship" in whatever way that it looked and the season has past. Hmmm...

It is so interesting how life changes and alters with no warning. I really do want to be a mile deep instead of a mile wide....
     freedom starts with goodbye.... the best can start with being surrounded by closed doors....

*** "sometimes you gotta go uninvited - sometimes you gotta speak when you don't have the floor - sometimes you gotta move when everybody else says you should stay - you gotta ask if you want an answer - sometimes you gotta stand apart from the crowd" ***

Right now, the only thing concrete in my life is my cell phone bill. Everything- and I mean everything is up in the air- uncertain- unsure- and yet I feel like my life is being set up for something big for God to do- for God to take over- for God to orchestrate. The uncertainty challenges me to look beyond what I can see and into the unknown. Knowing that with each step I take, that His kingdom can be enlarged beyond me- beyond what I have known.

What if saying goodbye to the nursing field will open up a whole world of possibilities that I would have never dreamed possible. What if saying goodbye to a field that I thought I wanted, opens up a new passion and opportunities above and beyond what I could have ever dreamed possible.

Oh the possibilities and the adventures with each step.

springggg break thoughts....

springgggg break! It has been quite lovely! Surprisingly there has been lots to do... I thought I would have more down time to conquer my spring break list...well, I guess we'll see *smile*

"so don't believe it's all in vain...cause i'm on my way...i'm on my way....the light at the end is worth the pain cause i'm on my way...i'm on my way" - "on my way"- by: boyce avenue

my heart is working through some questions lately... there have been so many doors that open and I question and then the door shuts. More like slams in my face... and I'm left staring yet again at a slammed door. I refuse to allow my heart to close up. I refuse to stop opening up my heart. Yet again, hope deferred has come upon my heart and I'm left to question, to strengthen my heart in the Lord and keep pressing onwards. It is hard. I attempt to fight and it seems like it's never enough. I am never enough. Must I press on? Must I keep believing when I see no reason to believe.

Nursing. Future Husband. The feelings are the same and the continual moments are so reflective. I give my heart wholly and completely to no avail. I refuse to give up and yet the circumstances seem to chant against me to give up, to want to have faith, but with the realities of what is screaming in my face.

Jesus, You are my everything. Finances. School. Friendships. Even when everything feels like it's being destroyed. Even when everything feels very Job like with no chance of a turn around, I trust. I believe. You are my anchor. Not what I see or what I feel. Though my feelings and my sight may feel real. You are my reality. You, Jesus, are my truth. And so, I rest in and trust you to guide me. Holy Spirit, I lean into your whispers and you lead my every step. Risk it or stay- I trust in you!

"The best safety lies in fear." - William Shakespeare

I am scared. I am scared that I won't be enough in school. I'm scared of giving my 100% and my 100% not being enough. So much so that I want to abandon everything and walk away. It feels too hard... but you know what... it's not. "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"- phil. 4.13... it doesn't say I can do almost everything.... but all things. That includes a&p....that includes studying.... everything.... it includes the juggling of time management. There will be intentionality. There will be moments where I need to say no to some things to give priority to others... but it's worth it. Fear is a safety net that I don't want. I want to stare this fear in the face and press on...with endure and perseverance...and you know what... with Him...leaning on Him.... having Him hold me when I'm at my weakest, i can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me." *smile*