This week at work and in life has been rough. The very word rough has even taken a more intense definition. State was at our facility the first half of the week which sets everyone on edge and since I work with multiple department heads, it created some chaos. The stress expanded emotions. Many were short with each other, lashing out some, and overall creating a frustrating work environment. Add to that some inner chaos with the community of my life and it was a rough combination. It all culminated in a patient discharge suddenly shifting creating me to be at work substantially longer than I anticipated. The last hour of working I could feel myself swirling in a tornado of emotions, but try as I might, I could not find ground and the swirling intensified. I shut out those who tried a little to help- if someone would have fought to swirl with me, I may have opened up, but it was the mere- I see that something is wrong and I'm afraid to ask what, but I'm going to anyways. It was kind, but not what I needed. Everytimeeee I feel this way, I think of when Rory from Gilmore Girls quoted a literary passage- "When I feel as if I want to hit everyone's hats off, I go out to sea." I tried to coax myself into just letting it all go… but I couldn't. I had a volleyball game at work. Something in me thought that maybe volleyball in the refreshing way it works within my soul that it could be helpful to go instead of just going home, so, I went to the game. About one-third of the way through our match, one of my teammates said something to me and normally, it would have been incredibly simple to just brush off and walk on…. it pushed me over the top, and slowly, but surely the tears start pouring down my face. Thankfully at first I was in the back court, so, no one really noticed, but slowly but surely, my teammates realized something was going on… and try as I might to contain myself, the tears got stronger and stronger and stronger. By the time the first match ended, I was full on crying. After good gaming everyone, I ran to the women's locker room with the intent to either contain myself or to leave. Eventually, I was able to contain myself and we finished the remaining matches. Driving home, it baffled me how I was not able to contain the emotions swirling within me. I cried during a volleyball match. I mean seriously, that is a brand new level of emotion.
I feel so much. All. Of. The. Time. It's why once I fall for a man, it takes me years to let go fully. It's why I am a great friend, because I am fully engaged with each one on a heart level. It's also what makes me a great social worker. Because although I may not understand what it feels like to have cancer, or have the possibility of your independence taken away.. or wonder how may more days I will get with those I love the most… I am fully engaged at the heart level and I learn how a patient feels and what is the root behind the fruit. It's the feeling that sets me apart as a professional. Stephanie, who I work with, she does it too.. its what strengthens us at our jobs! And yet, in moments when I feel everything, it makes me want to go on the other side of the spectrum and not feel anything… and yet that would be stripping me of my strength. Okay, so back to the car, I'm driving home thinking about how interesting it was that I cried in the middle of the volleyball game. In the midst of the thought, God intervened. He spoke. He taught me a powerful concept- the way a leader handles or doesn't handle their feelings affects each one they lead. Whether the leader lashes out in the midst of high emotions, shuts down and retreats, reacts in fear, vocal reacting through rants… those the leader leads are affected. He began to teach me that he wanted to teach me emotionally healthy fortitude. To feel the emotions and be able to react intentionally in such a way as to feel the emotion and process in a healthy way- not as a machine, but in a healthy way. I thought it was a bad day and yet God was teaching me that he was refining me in the fire.
Oh how I love the way He leads and teaches me.
Fun, side note, I shared this with a lady at work about what God was teaching me. Telling her this is what God spoke, the look on her face was hopeful wonder. It is funny to say, but I know His voice and His voice is my favorite. I never want to take it for granted.
