Love sometimes means letting go...

I am learning that love sometimes means letting go. It's a needed, but hard lesson.

Car Accident….

The Monday before graduation, I was in a car accident. I had picked up my car from the Honda dealer after they gave Emma Grace (my car) her Christmas present from me, a new battery. I was driving in a lane that was soon to become an exit only lane (one lane) in Murfreesboro … I was about a half mile ish from the exit. In front of me was a red truck. To preface this story, I am a very aware driver, a defensive driver… the last time I had a car accident was 9 years ago when I was about to move out of my parents house into my own apartment. So, I am behind a red truck in the area of 3/4 to a 1/2 mile from the exit I need to get off of. In the 70 mile per hour speed limit, the truck was going 60. However, I was relaxed despite the financial surprise of a new battery for Emma, and I was heading to a store to meet my best friend Shannon to look for graduation dresses. So, I decide to stay behind the truck and enjoy the slowness. Then my mind started thinking. When I lived in Northern Kentucky, there was a fellow I met on one of the youth mission trips I took to New Orleans. He was one of the guy leaders and I was the girl leader supporting the youth pastor. Throughout the trip we started to get to know each other better, and there was something there. I didn't really analyze it, I just enjoyed getting to know him. He had these killer piercing blue eyes… after the trip, I prayed about whether God would have me serve in that youth group. Long story short, I was a complete yes on every level. So, for a season I served in that youth group alongside that fellow. We got to know each other well, laugh, we even worked in the same job outside of the youth group for sometime. He started to pursue me, and there was definitely something there. But somewhere along the way, something changed on his end… it took me a little longer, but I eventually went on the process to let me feelings go for him. But all this to say, he drove a red truck. So, red trucks used to CONSTANTLY remind me of him. However, driving behind this red truck, it made me think of him, but it had been YEARSSS since I've really thought about him. The thought process in that 3/4 to 1/2 mile went something like this- "oh goodness this red truck is slow. red trucks. interesting.. i have not thought about ____ in quite a while. that is so interesting. looking back, i am so glad that God shut that door with us. he now has a wife and a little boy. so good. i could not imagine being married to him. sometimes God shuts doors and you do not know the why, but eventually you can look back and see glimpses of the why. and there is a man who will be glad that door was shut too. God, i trust your doors- closed and open. i may not see the why, but i choose to trust you and your heart for me and our story." So, I'm having this thought process. Amazinggggg moment. Thank you slow red truck. And then, we get off the exit and its a one lane where the exit lane merges into the ongoing traffic. So, still behind this red truck in Murfreesboro rush hour, I see the red truck merge and know that it is my turn, I turn and look and see a HUGEEE opening, which never happens in Murfreesboro rush hour. I then start to accelerate a little to merge and hit a vehicle. My head crashes forward towards my steering wheel like a typical car accident… hoping that I do not have whiplash and extremely confused as to how I hit the red truck, I look up to see a white car in front of me that I had hit. I have no idea how it happened. I would like to ask God to see the playback from that sometime on the other side of eternity, because I still have no idea. we pull our cars out of the way onto a shoulder and look at our cars, see nothing, exchange information and go our separate ways. She is quite double minded and called me fifteen-ish minutes later saying she was heading to get a police report. I call her back and we talk and she could not make up her mind what she wanted to do. I reassured her that Emma and me were fine and it was her decision. She now will not return my phone calls or my insurance agent's phone calls and it remains in progress. The claim has not been filed because she won't make up her mind…. Dr. Hall adjusted me, so, I am feeling great. I just think its interesting the timing of everything. This happened the Monday before the Saturday of graduation. It was a great reminder of trusting the doors of God and His lead. Oh how I forget. Oh how I like a door and am not looking at things, circumstances, and story lines from the view of God and the larger Kingdom story. Trusting His ways, His timing, His workings is not for the faint of heart. It can be hard, intense, challenging, and all the while, I need to remember that His heart is for me. That I chose His story. I chose Him as my Lord. That means my life is going to look different. I chose to submit the pen of the story. I chose to not do things my way. To surrender. To submit. Life will look different because I am not living my story, I am choosing to fight against the tension of my flesh, and to see that He sees the big picture when I may only be staring at one single puzzle piece I want to be in the middle of my story. I let go. I choose to trust his doors. I choose to gaze on His face and allow His nudges to guide me. May I not jump ahead when You tell me to wait, or to hold back when you call me into action. May I stay in step with you and in your arms. Even when I stare at a graveyard of dreams I have laid to rest, I choose to trust you.

wind changing……. new seasons ahead

All I want to do is sleep… and yet I cannot. So, here I sit. I currently possess, as of this weekend, a Bachelors of Social Work from Middle Tennessee State University. This degree was something I fought for, sacrificed for, and worked hard for. And now, it is mine. As I stand in the aftermath, I feel weak. It was a time for extremely high emotions and touching on a variety of emotions. It definitely also was a week with my love tank being filled. Texts, hugs, celebrations, messages, cards, presents… lots of celebration. My head feels like it is spinning in all of graduation weekend.

Since August, I have had this structure. Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 8:00AM to 5:00PM I went to my internship at The Legal Aid Society. Monday night was an evening for laundry, homework, studying, grocery shopping, and a little relaxing. Tuesday's and Thursday's I had class. Tuesday night, Kairos. Wednesday night, volleyball. Thursday night, GIRLS Ranch. Friday night was my open evening to prepare for the weekend of working. Then, Saturday's and Sunday's at J. Alexander's. I had structure, places where I was needed. Places where I might have had to learn the how, but I felt at home. Apparently I thrive within structure. Maybe it was because I felt needed. Maybe it's because of my favorite John McLeary quote- "When you know the why, you can endure any how."

And now, nothing. So strange how in a moment everything changes, and now I am left to figure out what the next season will look like after this wind has changed.

…. Or I need to say, to see what this season will look like as God leads. A season in which I currently have little direction.

Brian is right. I probably need to just let go and relax for a bit. I want to just launch into a new job. That is not healthy, probably, or is it reality. I think I want that to distract me from everything else I feel. Instead of facing it, which is what I ultimately need to do.

In conversation, my best friend, Cazi LaRee decided that I have a feeling superpower. I thought everyone did the same I did. Apparently not. She assures me there is strength in this superpower. I currently only feel and see the weaknesses. 

My college graduation party was an overload of feelings. Each person brings a feeling for me. In one room, I could look around at the group of people who have made me smile, have brought me to the place where I am, and feel an emotion from each of them. Hope. Laughter. And yet there were so many times I felt out of place, and in a crowd of people my heart feels so deeply for, to feel isolated. What… how can that be… This. I do not know. Other than what John Eldredge and Craig McConnell call in the Ransomed Heart podcast the fragility of life. I chose to keep re-engaging. I laughed, chose to stand in the tension, giggled, told stories, relaxed, learned more about the people in my life, and chose to engage despite my feelings.  And I choose to be wholehearted.