wind changing……. new seasons ahead

All I want to do is sleep… and yet I cannot. So, here I sit. I currently possess, as of this weekend, a Bachelors of Social Work from Middle Tennessee State University. This degree was something I fought for, sacrificed for, and worked hard for. And now, it is mine. As I stand in the aftermath, I feel weak. It was a time for extremely high emotions and touching on a variety of emotions. It definitely also was a week with my love tank being filled. Texts, hugs, celebrations, messages, cards, presents… lots of celebration. My head feels like it is spinning in all of graduation weekend.

Since August, I have had this structure. Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 8:00AM to 5:00PM I went to my internship at The Legal Aid Society. Monday night was an evening for laundry, homework, studying, grocery shopping, and a little relaxing. Tuesday's and Thursday's I had class. Tuesday night, Kairos. Wednesday night, volleyball. Thursday night, GIRLS Ranch. Friday night was my open evening to prepare for the weekend of working. Then, Saturday's and Sunday's at J. Alexander's. I had structure, places where I was needed. Places where I might have had to learn the how, but I felt at home. Apparently I thrive within structure. Maybe it was because I felt needed. Maybe it's because of my favorite John McLeary quote- "When you know the why, you can endure any how."

And now, nothing. So strange how in a moment everything changes, and now I am left to figure out what the next season will look like after this wind has changed.

…. Or I need to say, to see what this season will look like as God leads. A season in which I currently have little direction.

Brian is right. I probably need to just let go and relax for a bit. I want to just launch into a new job. That is not healthy, probably, or is it reality. I think I want that to distract me from everything else I feel. Instead of facing it, which is what I ultimately need to do.

In conversation, my best friend, Cazi LaRee decided that I have a feeling superpower. I thought everyone did the same I did. Apparently not. She assures me there is strength in this superpower. I currently only feel and see the weaknesses. 

My college graduation party was an overload of feelings. Each person brings a feeling for me. In one room, I could look around at the group of people who have made me smile, have brought me to the place where I am, and feel an emotion from each of them. Hope. Laughter. And yet there were so many times I felt out of place, and in a crowd of people my heart feels so deeply for, to feel isolated. What… how can that be… This. I do not know. Other than what John Eldredge and Craig McConnell call in the Ransomed Heart podcast the fragility of life. I chose to keep re-engaging. I laughed, chose to stand in the tension, giggled, told stories, relaxed, learned more about the people in my life, and chose to engage despite my feelings.  And I choose to be wholehearted.