A different kind of Monday evening.

It was Monday evening.

I had a volleyball game, but deep down, I had something I really really needed to do more. Although I missed playing with my team - the Volley Dots, I knew something deeper was happening. After grabbing my journal and sitting with Jesus in the beautiful glow of our Christmas tree, I figured out why I had the ache to not go to my game and instead choose a different evening rhythm. God was revealing to me that He wanted me to let go. Last week I was hurt deeply. The manner to which I was hurt was incredibly similar to wounds I had from my childhood. I have walked through healing of the wounds of my childhood, but it was terrible… and I did not want to do it again, but I know I needed to.  It felt like a nudge from Holy Spirit. As I did, a massive weight came off of me… one I had been holding onto for six days. Six days…. and I felt the toxicity seeping into my heart, mind, soul, and body. I will keep having to forgive this person, but when God gave me the choice. I knew, despite the wounding and pain… I knew what I wanted to choose… So, I chose forgiveness…. not because it was the easy choice, but because I needed to. I want my heart to be soft. I want my heart to be led by Holy Spirit… I want my heart to be loving and peaceful.

When you know what you want, you will make different decisions…. I am learning. I want to be healthy, thus, I make time to plan healthy meals and to run and go to the gym. I want to be debt free, thus, I make time to work my budget and say to no to certain things for that reason. I want to have six pack abs, thus, I need to eat less sugar and do more planks. I want to be married and for my future fellow and I to embark on a God sized love story, thus, I keep my heart rooted in Him while taking risks. I want to improve my writing, thus, I am choosing to write - unedited… to practice. I want to be able to speak Spanish fluently, thus, I need to practice. I want to prioritize time in the outdoors adventuring, thus, I make time and explore.

And I am so glad I knew I need to walk through forgiveness… I feel lighter and more exceedingly full of joy that I did. Forgiveness is hard, but glorious for the human heart, mind, body, and soul. ***