a moment that sparks a thought……..

Today, I went into a Christian bookstore. I was given a super belated birthday gift, but I already had the CD, so I went in with the mindset to exchange it for an awesome book- which I did find…. I bought three!!! *giggle*…. However, let me try to express the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that raced through my head and heart from the moment I opened the door and walked in and continued throughout my shopping experience. When I say raced, it is not a great word or a word that stimulates a visual picture, I mean RACED…. I used to enjoy going to Christian bookstores--- for whatever reason, this I do not know. I enjoyed walking around them mostly with my dear best friend, Cazi LaRee as the experience would stimulate conversation about a book, particular topic or musical artist. This. This experience was drastically different. Even upon opening the door and walking in, my stomach churned, and if I am being honest, what raced through my head were the words---- THIS IS CHEESY. Over and over and over and over.

I feel I have tasted cheesy, Christianese Christianity and it's like McDonald's salads. I had this lunch with my Dad when I was about twelve or thirteen years old and we went to McDonald's. I decided to be healthy because I was full on in my soccer career and chose a salad for lunch. It tasted good--- nothing incredibly delicious but it was good. We were on a trip somewhere for something and all I remember is on the drive back to our hotel room that we were staying at on this trip, my stomach was churning… it was upset. As soon as I got back to the hotel after a short drive back, I headed straight to the bathroom and proceeded to throw up every ounce of that McDonald's salad and I tasted it all in reverse. As a result of that experience, if I am ever in a McDonald's, that is my first thought if I even consider have a salad and I am deterred from it.

That. That is how I feel about Christian bookstores. I remember that I actually used to enjoy it. But now, it makes me stomach quite upset to even think or consider it. I wonder my throwing up moment. Was it when I went through that wrecked church split in 2007 where my friends and I were forced to fight for our friendships? Was it as I heard wonderings about secret meetings that were held by the pastoral staff that rubbed me wrong? Was it when I was treated poorly time and time again by pastors that I served under? Was it in Kansas City when I was in a deep, dark depression and I needed help and the non-Christian's were sweet and caring when the Christians told me to suck it up and move on?

This I know… I don't know when my throwing up moment came--- but somewhere along the way, it came. Whether it was in a moment or in a  combination of moments, the feeling remains every time I see or enter a Christian bookstore.

I crave authenticity. Being genuine. Being real. Maybe that is a piece of it…. it feels like a place where people come and they put on their happy faces and hide what they are actually feeling. What if I don't know why. Why do I feel like I need to know why. What if I just choose to acknowledge that I feel like this and yet I choose to fix my eyes on my Jesus as He leads me…. and that in His timing, He will reveal the root or roots and uproot it out of my life…. He is the best gardener of my heart. So… I don't know why it is…. but I think it is good to question--- to wonder--- to sit in the not knowing, but to trust Him who does know.

*****This is a picture of some of my dearest friends. We went to the Grand Ole Opry and had a lovely evening. I am feeling a little more Nashvillian these days…. and I love it…. I still have so much more exploring to do…. I love my city.****