I've realized the more I reflect on 2016 that for me, 2016 would be my bad girl year. Maybe I needed more of an edge than the previous Amy. Oh I can only imagine if the graduating from high school Amy could see me now, she would be surprised and in awe, I'm sure… well, in my eyes, I have a bad girl side after this year. Two of the many radical things that happened this year are that I have a record now. I have a misdemeanor on my record for reckless speeding. No thank you to the state of Virginia. I went a little under 30 years without even having a speeding ticket on my record… and now I have a record. Dear Virginia, you should be nice and at least post the speed limit you are going to ticket people for. Injustice. And I got served papers. At my job. It's a long…ridiculous story that ended in my in a room with a lawyer setting terms as he commented on the deliciousness of the J. Alexander's food. Hilarious and crazy surreal. Those are merely the tip of the iceberg. The thing is those may seem minor and not the end of the world moments. They are moments that can be dealt with. However, through the course of the year they were mere fruit of a deeper root.
I can barely remember what podcast I was listening to, oh, but I remember the speaker talking about the oldest child usually being the rule follower. As an oldest child, I laughed out loud. Literally, I giggled out loud thinking I was the outlier. Yes, I was never the rebellious child, I was always the stubborn one bucking the system, especially at home with my family. So, I laughed. Thinking maybe other oldest child children, but not I.
From that point on, I began to wake up to all of the insanely many ways I was a rule follower. Making my bed, following the strict dress code we have at my job with passion, what time I have to leave my house to get to work, 5 minutes early is on time/ on time is late, what to say in friendships, how to act in romantic relationships, what am I allowed to say, allowed to do this or that, the rule following ness within me was all around me. I didn't see it until I giggled at that podcast. After that I saw it everywhere. Granted, rules are great. Most are wise… and smart… and I am not saying that I will always from this point on being a rule breaker. I would say these days I am learning to break a few more rules. Rules that have been set up on what I can and cannot do. I'm breaking more rules these days. There are 7 words I had wanted to say to a person, I said them. I allowed myself to dress like a professional quirky Amy a few days at work, and have discovered some professional and yet Amy fun work outfits in my closet. I'm learning to go against the crowd. I'm learning that I will always fight to follow the rules of my God, but that I have lines and rules that a person created, that I don't have to or need to follow. It makes me excited for more adventures. Deeper relationships. Sweeter moments. Being fully present and not needing to follow rules. Sometimes you need to read the instructions manual…. but sometimes its fun to mess up until you figure it out without the manual. I feel like stepping outside of the rule follower part of me is stripping away layers of protectiveness to reveal the real genuine Amy Nicole I was created to be. And I really like her. She's a beautiful mess who is fighting to break down the barriers, insecurities, fears, and the lies and to walk, live, and love well.
As a piece of my job, I do assessments with all of my patients. These assessments allow me to get to know them better while accessing an insurance created assessment tool we are required to use. I begin with a few questions to break the ice. One is asking if they are married. I've been working at my job since the fall of 2016 and one of the greatest realizations I have discovered is a concept I was introduced to "the starter marriage." If I am being completely honest, many may have this as a part of their story, but there is something within that terminology that makes my heart, mind, spirit, and soul want to vomit. It shatters my heart and to use another word I do not like at all- it infuriates me. The majority of the patients I interview about their marriages are on their second marriage. I'd say about 90% of the time, the first marriage only lasted between 3-5 years. The second marriage is usually anywhere from 20-50+ years. So, yes, many in that generation married young and they talk about our generation putting off marriage and getting married later. But what if, we are rule breakers. We've decided we don't want to get married to just get married, but we want love. We want a marriage. We want a marriage that stirs our dreams on. We want a missional marriage. We want a love that fights for each other. We don't want a safe cozy love, we want a love that challenges and calls us deeper. What if? Some won't, but some will. Short term sacrifices for long term benefits. I've always said I want to be free and ready, so, whenever, my husband and my story intersects, I'm ready. And yet, I think it's like a lot of couples who say they want to be ready for a baby and in reality, you're never really fully ready… because life is life…. but I can say, this amy is a more amazing than she was and I'm going to get even more amazing because I'm running after my God and I'm not letting up. I'm going all in… and I won't stop. He is want I want… my Lord, my Savior… He is everything.
So, as I journey into 2017, I'm recaliberating, reassessing and breaking a few more rules these days… and it feels incredible!
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