warrior princess ****

*** a love story set in the midst of war ***

This paradigm of life and our world is my favorite. And yet, lately, the past couple of weeks, all I have been feeling is the war part. Oy vey. I'm an extrovert who in more moments than I would like where life has created a more introverted life. I reach out and friends talk about wanting to spend time together, and then no action. I've been accused a lot of doing the wrong thing, the wrong method, while within myself knowing that I didn't… but choosing to keep my mouth closed. I literally spoke strongly out loud to myself in my office today, "Amy, keep your mouth shut." Everything in me wanted to defend myself and the knowledge I have and yet, sometimes, just keeping my mouth shut is better for my soul.  I keep feeling slighted and yet being reminded, so many moments like this, I am learning are moments where my flesh needs to die and I need to sacrifice. I need to keep my mouth shut. I need to choose love over choosing to be right. Moments where as my pride and my flesh is dying and suffocating create moments for my Spirit rise up… for Jesus to cultivate and grow more of Him and less of me. That statement seems cheesy and religiouso and yet, its truth. I remember Belinda, the leader of my Haiti missions trip, challenged us with--- in a fight, what dog will win? Answer- the one you feed. When I'm feeding my flesh and allowing it to voice whatever complaints or frustrations, when I hold onto feeling slighted, when I choose to defend myself, I'm choosing to feed my flesh. It doesn't matter the circumstances or the why… what am I choosing. Am I choosing love despite if its reciprocated.. am I choosing to seek out people because people are always worth it… am I choosing to keep my mouth open and use it as an opportunity to exercise generosity on what the behind the scenes story could tell… am I choosing that what my God says about me, His love all around me, and that He knows the truth matters more. I'm learning that when I live from a place of knowing that I am loved, I am able to impact more, love more, and serve more. In the end, that's what matters. I talk about death and face what it is like for a person to know that the end of their life and the time they have invested in near at my job. It really and truly is a continual reminder, that eternity is so close. Eternity and all of the investments are going to matter more than the moments where I stood up for myself and chose to be right more than to love. So, I fight. I fight the flesh warring within me. I fight the enemy seeking to steal, kill, and destroy. I will always fight for people. I will fight for people to know they are loved by a God who is deeply passionate for and about them. I will keep fighting to kill my flesh.. the more I fail, the more I learn. The more I am so constantly reminded that I am so desperately in need of the grace of my God. And yet, I will live loved. I will allow the wounds I have caused myself and the wounds that have been done to me will not define me. The wounds will allow me to be a wounded healer. The wounds will empower me to be a warrior. I'm not giving up.

Because in the end, it will be probably continue to be a messy journey… but I have faith to believe that the story my God is writing in and through my life, will be more than I can think, ask, or imagine on a larger canvas than even I can imagine. And, I have a pretty epic and killer imagination, as a very powerfully visual girl!