Saturday evening was a busy night at J. Alexander's. I was serving in the neighboring section to my friend Lara. All of my tables were taken care of, so, I walked past her tables to see if I could help her in anyway in the busy. One table had a dirty empty plate, so, I went to grab that plate without disturbing her table. They then asked me to box up some of their food. So, I grabbed the very heavy plates and started a bee-line towards our boxing station. Lara motioned for me to talk to her, but I was on a mission heading towards the boxing station, as one of the plates was straining my arm muscle. As I arrived there and set the plates down, I turn and see Lara storming towards me. She proceeds to yell at me. I was so startled that not only did she take the time to come to yell at me when she could have been working on the rest of her busy tables but that she was yelling at me for helping her. I didn't say anything (personal win… working on not reacting, but to intentionally respond) but I was hurt by her words and that she was mad at me for helping her and her tables. I was confused too because I didn't ask to box up her tables food, they asked me. The rest of the evening, I just let her do her thing, and helping only if she asked me. Yesterday (Wednesday) was our first time working together since that moment. So, I pulled her aside, where it was just the two of us (encourage in public**correct/confront in private) and shared that I was confused about what had happened on Saturday and was wondering if she could bring clarity because I was not sure why she was so angry. She shared there was an issue with the table that the coaches and her were working through and then when I grabbed the plates, she wanted to tell me, but that I ignored and walked past her, making her feel disrespected. I shared my perspective and she got worked up again to where she was literally coming at me in her frustration even in reflecting on the situation. We went back and forth… I was praying for clarity… it was becoming clear that was not the reality. I said to her, "It seems like we are just not going to see the same way on this"… and walked away because we both had to get back to work.
The remainder of the night, she ignored me as much as possible, would ask for help from anyone, but me… there was a very obvious tension. Very, Very obvious… I hated it. Because I know that "we fight not against flesh and blood.." (ephesians 6.12) and yet… how do you fight that… how do you come into a situation like this where one person sees one side and another sees the other… Lara is not coming to my side… and I'm for sure not coming to her side. A situation that left un-confronted will weave in toxicity. Throughout the evening on and off I was processing, where do we go from here…. I always think about Anne of Green Gables in tension like this after Anne helps Diana get drunk and Diana's mom is livid: "…my beloved friend. Henceforth, we must be strangers living side by side but my heart will be ever faithful to thee." Over and over it went in my head. Not sure of what humility would look like, because I don't see it that way. Yes, I should have said something in that moment when she was trying to talk to me, but really, is that worthy of the hurtful words she erupted all over me. I began to think…is this it… is this one why of people getting divorced. Moments like that pile up until all the relationship is a bundle of toxicity and unsafe. I felt really really guarded around her, every time I saw her… maybe self protectively. It made me think… where do I go from here. I'm still J. Alexander's… at least for now… Holy Spirit and I talked so much about it… and then I landed on this. The lesson… People are different.. different perspectives… different ways that hurt for some than for others… These moments will happen. In friendships- romantic relationships- marriage- family… they will happen. Reality. But how we handle.. or don't is the dividing feature.
Lara was the South. I was the North. Not wanting a Civil War, where do you go? I realized the answer is to go through. To go through the moment. To not allow the moment to be a divisive wall. To not allow the moment to be a source of toxicity. To apologize for the feelings that the other person felt. I honestly do not feel I disrespected her. Doesn't matter.. that is how she felt as a result of my actions towards her. So, to ask for forgiveness for how the other person felt as a result of my words and actions… and to move through.
To fight for Lara. To fight for our friendship as co-workers. To fight for the joy of doing life at J. Alexander's with her. So, I told her, I choose her. I choose to fight for her as a friend. To fight to love her to the enormousness that my God loves me.
Maybe we don't fight for each other enough. Maybe we don't fight for the beauty of friendship… the power of our love for each other. It's important… because she could choose to not fight for our friendship and we won't go further, deeper… it stops.. because it takes both people wanting to fight for each other. And yet… people are worth fighting for. This. This lesson is going to soar throughout my life… its not easy, but its worth it.
"…love is choosing…"
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