Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week... it was like within my week, every other day was leading up to Sunday. When I moved to Kentucky, I had to fight for liking my Sunday, because the hospital I worked at made me work every other Sunday. For years, there was this level of refreshment that Sunday would bring... at church, the power of community and the people I loved, digging deep into the Word, Sunday football with my amazing friends, an occasional Sunday nap, worshipping Jesus in community...it was just lovely and powerful... When I moved to Kentucky, it slowly transitioned... With having to work 3 til 1130 shook up my lovely Sunday... my friends being separated to different destinations... an awkwardness within new friendships randomly... I did love the "meat and potatoes" of the Word that was spoken my TheBridge pastor: Pastor Bo Weaver... I miss that. And I LOVED talking to, listening to, praying with, connecting with the 412youth... I miss that. But, I did miss watching Sunday football... I love watching football, but with others. So, if my future husband likes football, it could be quite fantastic for us to build community by hosting football at our home... however, I'll be the lady watching the game *smile*.... Anyways...where this thought is leading...
In conversation with Jesus, I realized my #1 goal to be here in Kansas City is:
for my heart to be tenderized!
One part I'm realizing is that my perspective of church has been massively adulterated... Through so many stories I will not detail to glorify them... just that I've had MULTIPLE situations that people that should know better have wounded me. I'm not mad at them. Hurt people hurt people. One of the best pieces of advice that my Mom has given me. However, the wounding has caused me heart to be wounded. Most are scars... some open wounds that God is healing. However, I feel like church and being in relationship with Jesus in community has been wounded and adulterated for me. It has been a few weeks since I've visited any churches in Kansas City. This morning, Jesus was challenging my heart that this is a season because I need people. However, my heart is an open wound right now. I don't know if I want to walk right back into it. I've heard the church referred to as a hospital... but here in Kansas City, I don't feel comfortable or trusting enough to walk into any church needing to be a patient. Wow. That is messed up. As a lover of Jesus, I don't feel strong enough to walk into any church with the vulnerability that I feel. That thought and reality is making my heart and stomach become sick. That is the purpose of the body of Christ, and yet, I don't feel comfortable walking into a church here. I miss theBridge. There were only a few, but a few that I felt honest and vulnerable with on both sides. Love those kind of two way honest friendships!
So, this is my challenge to come back to an unadulterated perspective of church and to jump back in. Why do I feel like I need a push, someone to push me off this cliff because I feel paralyzed by fear. I want to have that childlike faith to jump back in, but I'm scared. If you get burned by a hot stove, your brain makes a mental note, to not walk back and touch that stove. In the past, I've walked back to those "hot stove" people and chosen to trust, chosen to jump back in, and yet, that is not my natural lately... and that, that is why I desperately need my heart to be re-tenderized again!
Oh Jesus, would you give me the strength to face the moments where my heart feels tough? Holy Spirit, would you tenderize my heart... because being here is not about me, not about my wants, my desires. I choose you.
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