It's late.... in reality, I should be sleeping... I have to wake up soon and head to work... My heart is alive and awake... I question... I wonder... I ache. My heart and mind questions this season- the purposes, the reality, the healing, the wounds... As much as this season has been rough, I see the truth of why God has brought me to Kansas City...out of the comfortable, out of the mostly predictable...into the unknown... a place where I have more questions than answers...a place where I would rather be left in the unknown than know. I'm beginning to fully embrace the adventure of the unknown. For quite awhile I was forcing myself to embrace it, now, I feel like the more I embrace the unknown, for His glory. And I love that.
Like, my heart still aches for Haiti...deeply. I merely walked past a book about Haiti and the earthquake's and my heart ached and skipped a beat.... my heart felt a glimpse of this throughout my African adventures, but not this concentrated amount. I watched a video that one of my dear Haitian friends had on her fbwall and I think I forgot to breathe as I watched this video... the pictures grabbed my heart... their faces, their life... my heart aches... I feel helpless.. I want to do something more...something deeper. Something to reach out and love them more... it can't just be coincidence that my heart aches... there has to be a strategy...
I don't want to sleep... so bad for my body, I know...and yet my heart and mind is racing...
Last night I had one of the most fun dreams... I pulled into a parking lot (not really knowing what city I was in)... I was at a stop sign in a shopping center and two "friends" drove past and acknowledged me, then drove past... same with the next vehicle of three other "friends"... I then pulled up into a spot, got out and a few of my closest, quality friends came toward me. Friends with smiles, hugs... we stood in a circle telling stories, laughing... they asked what I was doing in town and I somehow knew I was dream and said, "Well, I am "dreaming" (i even used air quotes)... and then one of my incredible friends, smiled, and then said, "So what? I'm still going to give you a hug." Within a couple minutes a few other amazing friends came into the circle and with zero awkwardness and with the naturalness of just being friends...we laughed, shared God moments, life stories, and what was going on within our hearts and lives... I woke up with a smile and feeling so unbelievably grateful for my quality friendships. So, so grateful!
I love love this season... this season of knowing that my focus is Jesus. Even though I have desires...I have eyes *smile*... I love seeing how jealous His heart is for me... and how His love surprises me...whether through pulling me into His heart, feeling what His heart feels, through Him giving me a dream that He knows I'll love, a phone call with two incredible people, a beautiful day, peace to sleep in, peace to not sleep (not sure if that is where I am ... wavering between sleeping and pulling an all nighter *giggle* ...
With my age number increasing, I don't "feel" older. I don't really feel twenty-seven years old... however I see different things transitioning... 4-6 hours of sleep no longer is sufficient enough. I really, ideally need 7-8 hours... I can't drink caffeine at night or risk being awake into the late hours of the night (like now *smile*) ... I need to exercise consistently (i feel the differences in my muscles, physically, when I don't) ... I crave quality over quantity more than I ever have...
Have you ever read something and that something won't leave your heart and mind... on fb, one of my friends from a previous church wrote a note all about the true meaning of being satisfied and that nothing can substitute a true, alive, intimate relationship with Jesus... I don't know if was the wording that he used to articulate it, or my heart being alive more than it has been to love of Jesus, but my heart was gripped...
Oh, our IHOP community (i used our!!) is doing a fast starting Wednesday...and I'm not sure of the why, but I am so, so excited!!!! *smile*
random fact: i look up the peace corps tonight... it really does sound interesting... i'm intrigued *smile*...
Well, I must decide sleep or not... the time has come... the decision must be made .... *smile*
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