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Two weekends ago I was hurt quite badly and aggresively by one of my managers at my job. It all began with a question. I sat down with him and only asked if I could have an expanded section. I really enjoy serving parties and so I just asked what I could do to work towards that. He, in turn, used that question to demean my personality, tell me how he thought I was just a good enough and not a great server, as well as several other hurtful statements. I left that conversation with not only my question unanswered, but feeling diminished. It was the beginning of a Saturday shift and on the brink of tears, I knew I had to do something. I felt fresh from battle with open, gaping wounds. So, I grabbed one of our restaurant papers we use to write our tables information on and proceeded to write.
" ******* (manager's name) does not define me. His perspective of who I am does not speak to who I am."
I then continued restating it with someone else's name. A person with whom I cherish deeply who has unknowingly hurt me, but has hurt me deeper because I value them. It is easy to dismiss my manager's opinion of me because, aside from respecting him solely because he is my manager his opinion has very little weight. The other person has great depth. And yet, both do not define me. Yes, his words hurt me, and yes, although I knew what he said was not truth, it pierced me. Especially with words and the lack thereof being my love language, the hurt went deeper. As I continued to write, I released the control of those words defining me and reminding myself that my God is who defines me. He speaks to who I am and my world.
I was able to share this experience at GIRLS Ranch last Thursday and my girls connected with this story and we had an unbelievably incredible experience talking about the ways that people in our lives have tried to define us. The evening culminated in a destroying of the names, labels, and titles people have thrust onto us. So beautiful and so redemptive for the hurt I did experience. And yet, when I thought that moment with my GIRLS Ranch girls was the redemptive moment for the hurt from my manager, I was at work yesterday and this conversation between my manager and I got out... oh how the restaurant world gossip train goes... My co-workers were appalled. They were livid that I was treated like that and proceeded to speak life and truth and affirmed to me continuously they each believed I was one of the best servers we had and that they were wondering why I was not given sections with party tables in them. There was about five or six standing in the area, I walked up and they all commented about how amazing of a neighbor I am (sections next to each other) and how they love my personality. It was oh so encouraging and sweet. When they asked me my opinion of the whole situation, I shared my revelation about people trying to define us and how it was a reminder to not accept what others define me as. As I spoke, it was a surreal moment, because five or six of my co-workers are just listening to me, and then each confirmed about how people in their lives have tried to define them and how powerful that really is to be aware of. Amazing. Amazing.
And just when I think it was all redeemed. In every shift at work following that conversation, I was given small, normal sections, but I chose to accept and give my 100%. Literally, the Sunday after, I was in a smaller section with four top max tables, and yet 80% of my tables all day were over $100. Amazing. Oh the way God works... AND THEN.... again, I was a small, normal section for lunch this past Sunday.... however, for dinner, they bumped me up to a larger section... it was one of two four table section we have in our sections at our restaurant. Amazed. Oh, how He loves us. If I never get put in a bigger section, it is okay. I am learning to relinquish control of everythingggggg.
Before July, I would have neverrrr classified myself as being a controlling person. I feel relaxed and go with the flow, and yet, with a crazy, and quite frustrating situation with losing my wallet in Denver, Colorado the first day of my vacation, God quite clearly revealed how I can be controlling in the area of my finances. No-one, not even I would have known this... but a future husband I have hope for announcing his arrival in my life someday would have known. So, I am oh so thankful for God revealing this to me.
A Dave Ramsey girl to my core, as I think about how control has seeped into my financial life, I first think about when I relinquish being debt free when I first started college in 2009. And yet, I never want my wisdom in finances to cause stinginess and deplete my generosity. Had this gone unchecked, I do not like to think of it, but this could have suffocated my heart of generosity. However, with the wallet losing episode of the summer of 2015, and not having my wallet for about threeishhhhh weeks, it was revealed. So, I am now learning to let go. I only work right now (for money) two days a week, so, it is easy to get so focused on knowing the bills I need to make and figuring out how to make sure they get paid and I have money for gas and groceries too and maybe a little fun. And yet, I cannot make it happen. My favorite quote in this learning process has been:
"I can't ** He can ** He can through me." - Andy Stanley
So, I'm learning to let go and trust my Daddy God. To trust that He can provide the impossible. To trust that as I put action steps forward, he can accelerate the impossible and make it possible in ways I could never have dreamed of.
Like with what life will look like December 13th. To stand in the tension that I do not know. I do not know what everything will look like, but to trust that He is faithful to lead and guide in every step.
To trust that as I let go, He can do and shine and explode in ways I never could have dreamed about. To remember that Kingdom does not operate the way our culture does. To remember that His ways are not mine and even when I do not see or understand, that He loves me and does want the best for me.
I read a blog about controlling people revealing that the reason they control people is that they have a hard time controlling themselves..... That. That is a powerful statement that hurts oh so good.
So, here's to enjoying the journey, letting go of control, embracing the risk, sitting in the tension and being okay without resolution, and believing that the adventure is going to be even more amazing than I could have ever comprehended.
*smile* ... Happy Monday!
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