Almost one year ago, there was quite the ice storm. It resulted in being snowed in for a few days because Nashville is not equipped to handle the snowy and icy goodness. One afternoon, the roommates were being introverted in their rooms, so, I grabbed my Bible and journal… and began with, well, God, we have all the time in the world to talk today. I began seeking Him and enjoy the time with Him until He spoke very clearly and asked me to give him my heart for missions and all of the dreams connected to that dream. It took two and half hours for me to resolve myself to obey even though I did not understand and could not wrap my heart and mind around why. A year later, I see why. I see the way it was a strong idol in my life. I see how it was stealing my affections from my God. I see how I was using it as a safe wall in romantic relationships. I see how it was incredibly unhealthy. As my one year approaches of this monumental moment, He has not reawakened that dream. He has not encouraged it onwards. He has not given me permission to dream again in that realm, but I can now honestly say, that is okay. I trust Him. I am so thankful for the patience of my God as I peeled off my fingers clinging to that dream. I really had attached pieces of my identity to that dream. It took me two to three months ish to even talk to God about that realm. I felt mad at Him, and yet now I see. Not only did it break down an idol within me that was ridiculously unhealthy, but it has also added the foundation of the history I have with my God and the way He works even if I don't always understand it.
Since then, He asked me to lay down other areas, and although I only see glimpses of the why and do not know see in the fog and dark places what He is doing. I trust Him. I trust His heart for me….. I'm asking boldly for what I want it to look like --- kingdom, missional, adventurous, bold…. letting go of the timeline, and leaning into Him…. and it feels pretty great.
The builders of this building do not know it, but this is my building. This is the building I referenced in a previous blog about how a building doesn't go up overnight…. this is along the first part of my running route that splits out after this point depending on what way I want to go. I saw the clearing of the land, the months upon months of preparing and creating the foundation. The walls did literally go up within a week, but the foundation was formed in hiddenness… in time when driving by, it did not seem like a whole lot of work was going on to the outside eye…. but this I know… that was not true. The foundation for this building took time. It took a lot of effort. It took hard work. However….
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"if you get the foundation right…"
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Something pretty powerful in me that happened in 2015 was falling in love. I fell in love with a man. I have never loved a man to the depth that I did with this one. It was one-sided and I have had to process that as I have walked forward. It is okay. He doesn't feel for me the way I feel for him, and that's okay. I have had to realize that does not speak to my worth or who I am. It is okay. One day he will feel for a girl deeply and realize that is why he never felt for me that I have for him. I also believe strongly, there is a man who will come into my life one day who will fight for me, cherish, want to walk through life hand in hand with me, and who will love me deeply. On a run yesterday, Holy Spirit was showing me how through loving this man one sidedly, I have gotten a taste of what God feels for us as the men and women He loves. He loves us deeply, passionately, and wants to share life and the adventures together, but some do not feel the same way. It doesn't change the way He feels for us. It doesn't change the love He exceedingly pours out on us. Just like this man not feeling for me did not change my feelings for him. I have since had to let go and go with the waves of missing him, and my love for Him, but they are dissipating. I am thankful God's love for us doesn't dissipate. I feel so much closer to the situation of those far from God and His love as a result of love this man one sidely… interesting how the adventures of life teach us in ways we could never have anticipated. Beautiful.
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